Playing With Matches

Courage and Confidence...that's moi

2007-12-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

So to bring everyone up to speed..

i ended up texting him on Friday and asking if he wanted to grab a drink after work.

sometimes i cannot leave things be...and part of me though "f it" if he says no, he says no and i move on...

well he says "yes but i'm leaving for chi town"

who knows what that means...really...

i have been super strong and not texted since...but then again, he has not texted me either. though because there are some mutual friends...i heard there was weekend texts being sent...

will have to wait and see if i ever have anything else to blog on him...pretty sure he will be at same new years party...and we all know what can happen new years eve!

on a side note,

have met another...really kind of strange...

but i am limited on time...and he is worth some consideration...

so his blog will have to wait until tonight or tomorrow.

All is good in the land of RJ

2007-12-12T08:50:00.001-05:00

So last night was the first of three work xmas parties i have to attend. The wine was flowing...I got a little relaxed...AND I TEXTED.

i know. weak. big time.

but all i wrote was "sup?"

and i got back an explanation of how bad he felt monday and sorry i missed it.

i texted back that was fine that superbad was out on dvd and that we should raincheck...i might not have mentioned in my earlier post...we had made plans to watch the movie. so it wasn't all "you know"

i got raincheck it is...

then we chatted a little more about nothing

i asked him if he was feeling better on tuesday...then i fell asleep

this morning i got his text from last nigth that said much better.

yay! i love when i don't respond...even when it is not on purpose

lame. i know.

tuesday update...for those who may care

2007-12-11T09:12:00.000-05:00

no contact. he didn't text...and i certainly didn't call, text and probably won't anytime soon...

monday hangover

2007-12-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

Okay. I will do my part to bring this blog back up to speed. I am, of course, still single...and barely dating. In fact, I've recently been discouraged by the fact I'm feeling incredibly open to the idea of dating (the first time i've really felt like this in years) and that i haven't really met anyone new that has caught my fancy.

2 weeks ago I met someone...a friend of a friend that was invited to the same bar as me to watch our rival football teams play against each other. it was kind of one of those first sight things without the love but lots of attraction...i think its his smile. later on in the night after the games were over we ended up seated next to each other and spent some time talking...by this point i was intrigued. i managed to get him my number and he texted me..then our crowds decided to go different places so we parted ways.

last weekend i had to work all day sunday...but managed to make the tail end of brunch. he was there! i looked awful. i was in loose jeans and t-shirt and no makeup. but i still thought he was cute so i didn't hide myself too much. and i learned that when my name was mentioned earlier that day he immediately commented on the fact he knew me and thought i was "cool" whatever that means...

that night...in a rare moment of courage and after lots of encouragement from one of his good friends i sent him a simple text letting him know it was nice to see him. this then lead to texts on and off all week. and lots of text messages from him when he was out downtown on saturday night. which led to brunch being discussed.

then sunday morning i got a text about brunch before i was even up and around. i was thinking maybe there was some interest on his end as well.

apparently not.

i'm not very suave at the dating scene. if i'm interested, i'm interested and while i like some affirmation...i will let someone know i like them.

so yesterday, we show up at brunch...he's there. next thing i know i hear him say "here come my bitches" sure enough the girl he's been seeing or was recently seeing comes walking up with her friend. WHA-WHAT???

well i'm not really down with this but i just continue having a good time. i learn from her that she had kind of ended it awhile back and when i expressed my interest...she didn't seem concerned or surprised. she did tell me about some of his "issues" but that could have been a tactic to make me get away from him.

so here's the grisly...

in my drunken, semi-jealous state that it is clear that we can't date and that maybe we should just fb and be done with it...now needless to say i have not even smooched this character...so even just writing this makes my stomach clench

well he agrees to the fb but says why can't we date...and starts asking me questions about why he is undateable. and i tell him that he texts someone rather than calling and invites other girls when they are out...because even if he was oblivious to my beginnings of adoration...he definitely was not concerned with the other girl's feelings. (apparently she left when she realized how flirtatious we had gotten)

i cannot believe i did that...sure it got me lots of attention from him for the remainder of the afternoon...but not positive attention...and not anything near what i may have wanted...and i do realize fb is a oneway path to nothing.

well anyways...i think i'm supposed to have a date for the dirty tonight. which is not my style nor my speed...

i'm praying he does not text and that we can just run into each other sometime soon and pretend none of this ever happened.

especially since that is not the relationship i think i want with him.

though, if i decide it is...i guess i have affirmation that he's game.

A lost cause?

2007-12-09T18:33:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try, yet again, to bring this puppy back to life.

I bet you've all forgotten about this blog. I almost had, myself, even though it was my brainchild almost two years ago. It's a shame, because it did at one time bring me (and my fellow bloggers, don't deny it) an anonymous outlet to discuss our romantic happenings (and mishappenings and, lbh, unhappenings). It was therapeutic for me to use this arena as a means of helping myself figure out what was going on in my so-called love life. Back in the beginning, there was a lot of [melo]drama--admittedly, lots of it self-created.

This started as a chronicle of online dating recaps. It wasn't long ago that Objection and I were single girls about town, flitting and floating from one forced social event to another, trying to find our place, our way, in a world we thought we wanted to be a part of. Little did we know that the world of bars and beverages, of smoke filled rooms and nights that end as the sun come up was not the place we wanted to be.

In a little over a month, RCB and I will have been together [for real] for a year. I am just going to come and say "nanny nanny boo boo" to all you naysayers out there who warned me against giving him another chance, who advised me that people don't change, that they can't change. I am here to tell you that you were wrong.

And now I will step of my "I told you so" soapbox and revel in the moment. We have had a great almost year. At the risk of sounding trite (and thus losing the seven readers I may or may not still have), I can say I've learned a lot about myself and what I want; I've learned what I am willing to put up with and what I'm not; I've learned to accept people's flaws and bask in their differences--of opinion, of lifestyle, of taste in movies; I've come to realize that love and life are worth the challenges they both inevitably put in your path and how you navigate that path is the biggest challenge of all. However, the most important lesson I've learned is from my good friend the Desperate Housewife (hi, DH!)...no matter how good, strong or safe a relationship, it is never without work. A relationship that doesn't take work is a passive one where neither party is being "real."

As RCB himself told me, after an atypical spat (for which he deserved my consternation): "You can't expect to be happy with me all the time. You have to get mad sometimes. If you don't, then this is not real."

I guess this blog really doesn't have a point. And, for that, I am sorry. I just felt the sudden urge to get back out there, much like the urge to start this blog was a reaction to getting back "out there" and into the world of dating.

So, I welcome myself back, I hope we still have at least a small following and wonder if my favorite gals will take my lead and start posting--if not often, at least occasionally.

Did she really?

2007-08-22T14:23:00.000-05:00

You are not seeing things...there is actually a new post on PWM! In an effort to resurrect our previously awesome blog, I have decided to come out of hiding and post, hoping that my fellow blogettes will take the lead and get back in the blogging groove.

So, instead of going into a whole post about how my relationship with RCB is going (yes, friends, it is still going! With all of the major milestones you would have expected by this point, too, almost right on "schedule," even!) I am, instead, going to tell you an amusing tale.

A few weekends ago I had the pleasure of hosting a[nother] bridal shower for the fiance of my cousin (their wedding is next weekend). The affair was quite splendid, though for that I cannot take the credit (I was hostess by name only, I will admit).

Regardless, the mother of the bride approached me at the end of the shower to thank me. Please recall that RD is from a brown family, as is this particular soon to be member of the family. Her mother put her arm around me and said a "typical" and "traditional" brown phrase that means something to the affect of "God willing, you're next." Or something. To which I chuckled a little. She asked why I laughed. I giggled again. She looked at me, patted me on the shoulder and said, "It's never too late."

Ha!

vacation flings

2007-07-31T15:02:00.001-05:00

coming soon.

Playing catch up.

2007-06-08T12:30:00.000-05:00

Does anyone even read this thing any more?
Yay for Dr. Strangelove's recent move back to the big city. Hopefully this will entitle us all to lots of stories from the dating world. At the least, it will entitle this RD to have an old partner in crime back at the helm.
RCB's lease is up in less than two months. His home, way out in BFE, has not been graced with his presence in over two months. Month to month rent, were he to decide to take that route between the end of his lease and the completion of his new construction future living arrangements, will run him more than my mortgage. Since he practically lives with me, anyway, the logical solution is for him to stay with me temporarily, right? That's not really "living together," is it?
Anyone who knows me knows my keen sense of smell and my obsession with all things Plug-In. As of late, I have been walking into my haven and noticing the smell is, well, different. I cleaned up a storm, bought all new air fresheners and still. Then, I realized: the smell was boy. Not in a bad way, but in a way that took a little bit of the fresh, girly smell away. Gone are the days when someone will walk in and say, "it smells like a girl lives here." And, I kind of like that.
A few weeks ago, while on a field trip to a vineyard with some friends, while sitting outside enjoying a cold bottle of white and looking out over the vineyard, the friend we were with made mention of the fact that "this would be a perfect place for us to throw your friends' engagement party." I just kind of laugh. And RCB just kind of didn't even flinch. Or run away. And, in fact, discussed it later that day, with me.
I have made my way onto the RCB family email distribution list and now receive frequent updates about the life and times of all that is going on in that world.
Though keeping silent, I know for a fact that all of my fellow blogettes have at least one little thing going on in each of their lives. I may know about a baby...or some really good dates...or some familial dilemmas...or some secret crushes...or some big relationship steps. If I weren't the RD that I am, I may threaten to spill the beans myself...

After Action Report

2007-05-18T22:21:00.000-05:00

That's military for AAR, i.e. what happened when Dr. S tried to get back into the dating game... The good news is that it went well, very well. If nothing else, this was a boost to my confidence that I surely needed. NYB and I did meet for a late lunch and drinks, which extended into meeting up with his roommates and a movie, and a little more than that later on... but not too much more. This guy proved to be way more interesting than I remembered as he has led quite an interesting life to this point. His parents manage a funeral home in the Bronx, and I am a doctor exposed to some pretty morbid things at times, so we had some interesting laughs. Refreshingly, he was also really into hearing about me, and noticing the things that make me tick (as opposed to last few months of dating flyboy). The worst trait I could see in him was a compulsive drive to clean, something I can definitely deal with as I admittedly have a bit of OCD of my own.

The funny (or at least, blog-worthy) part of our date for me was when it got to the not much more part, before I could even bring up doing or not doing more than making out during a movie. While we were still "hanging out", he blurted out the fact that he had only "been" with one woman in the past, one who at the time he believed he was going to marry, and who broke his heart about a year and a half ago by leaving him when the military moved him to another state. He wants to save that experience for his future wife, but emphasized that he had been very interested in me since we had first met two years ago. Weird or cute? I thought mostly the latter but a little bit of the former... let's face it, as a late bloomer who didn't really date seriously until graduate school, I'm sort of used to drawing the line myself. Is something wrong with me for previously having assumed that a guy would never be the first to say we shouldn't, you know, yet? After all, this was just a first date. I'm not sure whether there will be more to come or not due to our newfound geographic distance. Ideally, I'd love to get to know him better, even if it's online or over the phone, and see whether anything develops. DC is a great place to visit (yes, RJ, you should come!). For now, I'm keeping my mind and my heart open to all the possibilities...

I needed instigation.

2007-05-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

Since Dr. Strangelove got the ball re-rolling, I thought I’d prove her wrong and write, without real trepidation, about my “Wow, is this really happening” relationship.

It’s not so much that I have been refraining from putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, whatever the case my be) because I am afraid to “jinx” what appears from both the inside and the outside to be working so well. It’s not even that I am paranoid that he is someday going to hop onto my laptop and find this blog—a diary, of sorts, chronicling our rise and fall and rise (among other things). And it’s not because I want to keep this all to myself, to enjoy it for what it is and not share it with the world.

It’s because, dear readers, I’m lazy. I admit it. I have been depriving you of my conquests and happiness because I haven’t felt like writing about it. And, because of an overall lackadaisical feel that has seemingly overcome this once vibrant, entertaining and snarky blog, I have, for once, kept my words to myself.

Oh, but no longer shall this be the case.

One week from today marks the four month mark for me and RCB. Four months. In those four months, we’ve done and gone through a lot. He’s met and hung out with a good portion of my besties. There have been many long, arduous, thought provoking and emotional conversations—both with him and about him. I have had my moments of anxiety and insecurity, but, these days, those feelings are emoted less and less (and, one could even say, close to infrequently).

We have met and hung out with each others’ families. We have talked about the nebulous future, one that includes a blurry but potentially eventual marriage and children. We plan not just for the now but for the distant future; a man who, at one time, would become visibly agitated when I tried, on Tuesday, to make plans for Friday is now saying things like, “would you consider [such and such] two years from now?” We know each other’s weaknesses and strengths and know how to tiptoe around the moodiness that is inevitable (though thankfully not very common) in those whose lives can go from stagnant to unbelievably busy in just the snap of fingers. We can finish each other’s sentences, he always finishes my dinners. A brush of his fingers along my shoulders or a quick kiss goodbye in the morning still brings a chill to my simultaneously warming body. When I turn over and unconsciously shift away from him in the night, he grabs for me to come back. In fits of insomnia, when I leave the bedroom and go out to the couch, he comes looking for me. Even while silent, we are never at a loss for words. We always do the crossword puzzle together, his knowledge of all things obscure in the literary and sports worlds mingling nicely with my ability to spell and my affinity for pop culture. I watch sports on television, he watches my CBS Monday night lineup and other television shows I know he’d rather not. We cook elaborate dinners together, for ourselves and for friends, cracking open a bottle of wine along the way. Yes, I even drink wine now. And I even like it. But not as much as I like how happy and safe and relaxed he makes me feel.

Enough with the cheese.

This ode to my own relationship was instigated party by Dr. S but also by events of this past weekend, when RCB and I went on the trip of all trips. We spent four days at a beautiful resort very much southwest of town. During one of my fabulous spa treatments, I lay on the table, covered in mud and swaddled in towels and tin foil, with a lavender eye pillow covering my eyes, when it hit me: “RD,” my inner voice said, “look at how relaxed you are. You are really not worried about anything, are you? When was the last time you felt this way?”

And, I couldn’t even remember.

A first date.

2007-05-13T11:49:00.000-05:00

So readers, I've been using the excuse that I have nothing in my dating life worth of blogging about... and now that it's looking like I might I know that I'm quickly running out of excuses. And my fellow bloggers, ahem, in good or less novel dating relationships, seem hesitant to post about them.

This week I just happened to run into a guy I had met during a two month training period two years ago while I was at lunch. The military does this, people come into and out of your life all the time, so you learn to keep in touch with those who could be date-worthy, but you never seem to be stationed near. NYB (New Yorker Boy) was looking better than I remembered, especially in his uniform, and quickly proceeded to ask me if I'd like to get together soon, hopefully this weekend. We had kind of a Charlie/Maverick kind of flirtatious moment, due to my outranking him. Ha ha. I said yes and asked him for his phone number, he gave it, checked his phone, and closed it... that perplexed me a bit until he sent a text the next day and I realized he had saved mine from two years ago. Now the one thing I'm not telling you is that I only briefly, and pretty casually, dated one of his best friends two years ago, we parted on good terms, and still keep in touch, but I'm not sure what kind of "limits" that sets on any potential encounters with NYB.

So, knowing that I'm about to move (back to DC from rural NC) I've sort of avoided him for the past few days as I've been busy with movers, etc. But he's been persistent, at first he only asked to get drinks Friday night, now we're driving out to a nearby beach town today Nicholas Sparks style to look at places he could live, get food and "a few drinks". I figured that even if this doesn't turn into anything, he is a cute, old friend I've lost touch with, and it will be good for me to spend time with someone on what might be a date. More to come...

Called Out.

2007-04-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

So, Starboard Tack called us out in his blog from today...said we girls have been silent.

Crickets.

We have. And, hopefully, the rest of my blogettes will get back on the bandwagon. Or else.

In the meantime, I can fill you in on the life and times of RD and RCB. Our trip north was better than I could have ever imagined. I was greeted with hugs and a birthday cake with my name on it. The entire family was welcoming and sweet and I never, for one second, felt the least bit uncomfortable or insecure. The whole four days I was with them.

I was, admittedly, a tad bit "worried" that RCB would be a bit reserved around his family; in other words, my usual feeling of putting out a "hands to yourself" rule would not be in effect. It turns out he was just as, if not more so, affectionate than usual. There was no lacking in the hand holding, random hugs, kiss on the top of the head moments. Does this show comfort?

Though it was a family weekend, we were able to get in some alone time, which was nice. All in all, the whole experience was better than I could have imagined and, scarily enough, I could see many such similar weekends in my future.

He has been beyond wonderful lately and I'm not even scared by it. He says what he's feeling when he's feeling it and I like that. We have definitely reached a new level these past few weeks, with all the family stuff we've been doing. We are now really a we. He said it best the other night: "RD, it's not just you and me any more. Now it's us."

We are an us.

ho hum.

2007-04-19T16:46:00.000-05:00

I saw a movie a couple of months ago. I can't remember the name but the main character was a woman who worked long hours, came home made dinner for herself, poured herself a glass of wine, read or watched tv and then went to bed.

This is my life lately.

And while it is not such a bad thing especially given where I am in my life and the things I want to accomplish in the next couple of years...it certainly doesn't give me much blog material.

I'm still playing team sports. Kickball is almost over and Flag Football is just getting started...but there doesn't seem any matches to strike at these events and I'm not so sure I would want to interrupt team dynamics with a crush or flirtation.

I'm also moving downtown to an area which while yuppie infested there is an overabundance of men who like other men...which is unfortunate for me.

So my fellow bloggers...its your time to step up to the plate. I literally have nothing...no drama...no fantastic dates...nothing but work and a solitary meal to blog about..i'm sure your lives must be more exciting than mine.

White is the New Brown.

2007-04-09T10:51:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for golf. If it were not for The Masters and four and a half hours of languid play, I don't know if RCB would have made it through (or, at least made it through as unscathed) the brown heavy Easter extravaganza.

Yes, folks, he made it through. I guess I don't give him enough credit--or I think too discriminately about and critically of my family. But, lbh, they've never been rude or unwelcoming to a stranger.

He sat on the couch and watched golf with the men folk, talking about it and commenting as necessary. He introduced himself to all newcomers (and, true to stereotype, many family members were late, so this was an ongoing activity) and did not act surprised when some pulled out the double kiss/hug combo as opposed to the handshake. He impressed the grandmother by "knowing" (ha) how to properly dip his pita bread into his hummus. He ate all that was offered to him, whether it was the first time or hundredth.

Good thing there were other white kids there to quell the obvious cultural differences. LC showed up post dinner and gave two of the best quotes of the day:

While walking around and doing the traditional double kiss/hug (it was a special occasion), she got to RCB and said "eh, you're white."
After being labeled the "other white girl in the family," she said, "White is the new brown."

So now, friends, I just hope to be able to acclimate into the RCB family this weekend. I'm a bit nervous, and I've relayed my slight apprehension to RCB. He said they'll love me. Hopefully, he is right...

A weekend of milestones.

2007-04-05T11:10:00.000-05:00

If we even have any readers left...

So this weekend I am set to enter into my fourth decade of life. Fourth. Effing. Decade. My how time has flown.

This weekend also marks RCB's indoctrination into all that is RD's family. Bringing my cute little blue-eyed boyfriend into a sea of all things brown (and I mean that in a totally non-stereotypical way) is going to be interesting. While I grew up in what was essentially a very American household, my upbringing was not without cultural and ethnic touches that I am still learning to appreciate. It's funny, because those who are brought into the inner circle are much more open to these traditions and tastes and smells and ideas than I am. But, alas, this is not the point.

The point is that RCB will be spending Easter with me and 35 of my closest relatives. At the home of an uncle he has never met. And it is I, not he, who is nervous. Why, I am not entirely certain.

Perhaps we can start with the fact that walking into a room with 35 strangers is slightly overwhelming, even to the most seasoned socialite. Add the inevitability of foreign tongues being spoken, the assured interest in "OhLookRDHasABoyfriend" and the constant shoving of food and drink into RCB's hands and face and you've got quite an interesting afternoon ahead of you.

I have no doubt that everyone will be welcoming. We are a tight knit bunch, so I am not going to deny that there will be some judgment and appraisal going on simultaneous to the good cheer and welcoming hugs.

But, it is also the beginning of my fourth decade and, lbh, the first time an RCB type has made his way over the threshold for an official RD family holiday. Maybe they'll cut me some slack.

Perspective

2007-03-25T08:26:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: Dinner never occurred. It was to be last Wednesday but both of us had scheduling conflicts...so we moved to Friday. Friday morning I get an email cancelling with a good excuse...but one he should have made prior to the day of...

so my response was that i understood but that since he didn't seem to be interested in having dinner with me and i was starting to feel same...we shouldn't worry with rescheduling.

i got no response to that...

which is probably for the best. i'm sure i'll see him around and unfortunately for me i have much bigger things to worry about...

Overanalysis Part II

2007-03-19T20:11:00.000-05:00

It's not so fun you know....and it is really no wonder the ones we don't want are the ones that stick around. I was really silly. I know this I accept it. I am at times a spoiled brat (gasp!) But in all actuality there really isn't much there to analyze and something was made out of nothing and now at the end of today. I'm tired of it all.

and feel beyond stupid.

but it did give me blogging material.

Letting him in.

2007-03-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every relationship when boundaries disappear and your world turns into his and vice versa. I think that time has come with me and RCB.

You all know, by now, that we are pretty much inseparable. Spending every day and night together is great. We are comfortable around each other and have developed a routine. One that includes him having to be buzzed into my building every time he comes "home" because he doesn't have a key.

He doesn't have a key.

Now, here's the interesting thing: my phone, my access to the buzzer that opens the door for him, died an early death yesterday. RIP. I don't feel like going to get a new one. The phone being dead, mind you, obviously does not preclude him from getting upstairs. We're smart kids who aren't entirely incapable of seeing alternatives.

He can call my cell and say he's downstairs. He can throw pebbles at my window or serenade me from the front steps. Or, he can accept a set of keys.

Is it too soon to offer these keys to my kingdom? Does offering them extend to him the idea that this relationship is moving into a new realm? He gladly accepted a parking sticker so that he's not stopped and accosted every time he attempts to drive through the gates. But are keys different?

Overanalysis

2007-03-19T07:08:00.000-05:00

My number one way of defeating any relationship or would-be relationship. And I'm about to do it again for the sake of this blog. We have to get this thing rolling...so...

St. Patrick's Day is my holiday...based on my name and eye color I've claimed it to be mine. So this year I planned to do it up in grand style (last year's holiday consisted of really really crappy double date...i was determined to exorcise that experience from my memories)

The "boy" was going to be there as well. The boy didn't really know about my crush. Though I don't think I was that subtle...so here is the background:

Meet months ago by chance. Am on date with lump. We run into them at the store when picking up wine and meet "boy" and his roommate. I note his cuteness.

Lump is now out of picture. Or at least when he comes into my sights I leave the scene.

Friend has party. I can only go to party for a few minutes, note boy is there and again think he is cute.

So next week am having brunch with party friend and I say what is up with boy. I have a crush. (though I usually have a few) She says you should crush him. I say I do. She says he is coming to brunch next Sunday you should come. I say okay.

I show up at brunch. I think he is funny. He likes kickball. So I email him (yes...this was my initiating I patted myself on back for in earlier post) He emails back. I finally send him cute email asking what he likes to do...he tells me...life goes on.

Next Friday I see party friend. She says boy asked what was going on tomorrow night. I say we should go out and suggest karaoke. Saturday comes. I actually don't want to go out...other friend says just go. I go have good time. He pays lots of attention to me. He walks me home (he lives near me) and I feel bad he is walking me home then i find out when he emails me Monday morning that he got lost walking back for two hours.

I email back that I am so sorry but that I appreciate the walk home. No response. Which is fine he is busy.

Wednesday night we go for korean bbq. He and I are first to arrive. He is on phone so I get out of my car and start walking in. He ends call and yells after me "aren't you even going to wait for me? I turn "You were on phone" He says "you are all dressed up." i die a little because OF COURSE i am dressed up because he is going to be there. I lie and say I had a bad day at work so was just trying to shrug it off...We get inside and are seated and he looks at me and says "did you get your hair done" I'm like "do I?" and he's says "no, did you just get your hair done" and I said "No, why, does is look okay?" He says "it's fine"

So now because I am generally not insecure...am now feeling insecure and uncomfortable.

So I throw out at dinner...what is going on this weekend for the holiday. The boy suggests a bar and those of us in town say we will go. I find out at some point he is moving.

So Saturday comes...

Nothing really happens early. Hanging with friends. Confirm his moving with party friend. So I say well I'm not going to attach to a mover so I'll just flirt and be breezy, plus I'm not really sure he's in interested.

Boy has a habit of using my words back against me. Not in a mean way, actually it is usually funny and in a teasing context. But it sends me a little off kilter...as my crush gets a little stronger. But I call him on it. I turn to him after one of the occasions and say "Jeez. Do you remember everything I say?" and he looks me in the eye and says "Yeah. I sort of do. I sort of do it on purpose." So now I'm really flustered.

Night goes on.

Then I'm standing there in a group with him and some friends and he tells my work friend standing next to him that she's really hot. I am poleaxed. So I remove myself from situation and walk away. I'm not going to stand there and listen. And while I'm not devastated...I'm still a little bruised. Mostly ego speaking...but nonetheless...it took the wind out of my party sails.

Apparently she gave him a little hell for it but he doesn't really care and while she didn't relate it to me I"m thinking he probably said he wasn't interested in me.

Fast forward. It ends up that him, I, his roommate and my work friend all go home together to the boys place. work friend and roommate have hit it off and are hanging together (ha. take that boy!) so boy is all about asking me on the walk what is wrong and i am like you told work friend in front of me how hot she was. and he's like so. and i'm like you could have at least done it when i wasn't around.

we get back to place. he cooks breakfast for himself and work friend. i am not hungry. i am in knots. work friend and roommate are hanging so I am stuck. He is getting irritable and talkign under his breath (which secretly was kind of cute).

Then he pulls me into his room. And we talk. And I get some story about how he doesn't care about things or anything or having sex with me. And I'm like a. that wasn't really planned and b. never ever say that to a girl you want to sleep with. he changes his tune a little at this point and says it's not that he doesn't want to sleep with me but he doesn't care whether it happens. it doesn't. nothing happens. not even kissing. we both just go to sleep.

wake up. first thing he says is work friend is really hot. i'm like you are just mean. he says yes i am. i'm like you said it enough last night i don't need to hear it in morning. he says come on it is funny. i say not really. he says i even at one point pulled her to the side and started telling her how beautiful she was. i'm like i really don't need to hear this and i could have gone without hearing that altogether.

we wake up. work friend and roommate get up. we start teasing him about not putting out. i tell him he still has to cook me dinner on wednesday. becomes big joke about dinner and sex being on my calendar for wednesday. both of us girls are really sarcastic. i tell him my crush is over. and it is. because it has to be. i think it is pretty apparent at this point he doesn't care about anything happening he was just sort of stuck with me the night before.

then i get a call yesterday afternoon that he just drove by a local hot spot and saw me sitting outside. what?

Meet the parents.

2007-03-15T15:20:00.001-05:00

And the older brother. And the sister-in-law. In another state, travel to which requires an airplane. For five days.

Yes, folks, the time has come to meet RCB's parents. In three weeks I will be boarding an airplane and joining RCB on a trip up the coast to spend a long weekend with HIS ENTIRE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

At least they know about me, right?

Yikes.

And don't even get me started on sleeping arrangements. And how my own mother said these exact words: "You really should plan on not sharing a room with him if his parents are there. You don't want to look bad."

Ha.

Leave me breathless.

2007-03-12T11:13:00.000-05:00

Warning: this is going to be an "oh no, she's really gone over the deep end" post.

Deal.

This past weekend, I went and visited my bff (we'll call her K) in the new (and exciting) city to which she just moved. My other bff (we'll call her M) came, too, and for four days we did what every girl loves to do--but which, sometimes, boys provide an obstacle to doing. We watched MTv in our pajamas (note to Heidi: dump Spencer/Skeletor), we watched girly movies, we had six hours of spa treatments, we went shopping, we listened to awesome music, we talked, we read...

But I digress. The point of this story is that I was away for four days. This is three days longer than any separation RCB and I have had since Round Three began in January. While I had a great time with my bffs and would have stayed days longer if I didn't have this pesky job thing, I did find myself missing RCB. A lot. And he me, as evidenced by the phone calls and texts while I was away.

I didn't realize how much, though, until I landed back in my own stomping grounds. I called him to let him know I had arrived and that I'd call once I got to the gate so he'd know where to get me. He was already at the baggage claim. As I anxiously and unpatiently waited to deboard, I began becoming more and more excited.

As I approached the baggage claim area and saw him, my stomach and heart both dropped. In a good way. I realized then what the phrase "take my breath away" means. There have been occasions in the past when he would lean over to kiss me and I'd find myself out of breath. Odd, I'd think. I'm not tremendously out of shape, and the kissing has just started. Why am I feeling like this?

It's because, at the risk of sounding cheesy, he takes me breath away. Literally. Figuratively. And all that falls in between.

2007-03-10T11:27:00.000-05:00

I was going to post about my year and all the ups and downs but realized none of them involved relationships...especially those with men. I have seemed to unwittingly spent the past six months in a sort of datingl coma. Sure I've partied and have been social...but I haven't really invested much in anyone at any time. In fact, at one point I went out with a guy at the urging of my friends even though I knew I didn't want to and wasn't attracted to him. And he was the one that looked stupid in the end. So in hopes of shedding off my past year and entering one which (hopefully!) will include many highs and lows in the dating realm and, in turn provide me with insane amounts of blog material, here are some new rules, and the first steps I have takend to begin implementing them in my life:

1. I will take better care of myself.

I am hitting the gym (fairly regularly) and getting pedicures bi-weekly. Soon I hope to add in facials...massages...yoga...sky's the limit. Oh and I actually finally got a fun rockstar hairdo...much more indicative of my personality than the all one lenght blunt cut.

2. I will join groups which do fun things.

I have recently joined a weekly kickball team and next week am joining flag football (which will be very interesting because I'm not that athletic but I've realized I like men that are...so go where they go)

3. I will have lots of crushes and I will be vocal about them.

In the past, I have never said I like someone or am attracted to someone out of fear that they may not feel the same about me...i know, it is shocking. How could someone not realize how absolutely amazing I am.

So recently, I've been vocal about my crushes. A few months ago I met a guy when I was out on a date with the lump I mentioned above...we ran into him in a store and the lump never introduced me. About three weeks ago, he was at a party I attended...and so the next weekend at brunch I asked that party's hostess...who is that guy I have a crush? She told me to keep having a crush and invited him last weekend...

so what did I do??? I emailed him (AGAIN another out of the norm action taken by me)

so we've now been emailing...talked about getting lunch...and he invited me to dinner with friends next week.

so my final rule this year (at least for right now)

4. I will initiate contact with men.

Missed anniversaries.

2007-03-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

In an effort to gather thoughts and experiences so that I would have blog fodder (I'm assuming my fellow blogettes (AHEM) are doing the same...) I completely missed the one year anniversary of PWM.

Oh how far we've come. Or at least how far I've come.

In a little over a month, I will be celebrating the anniversary of my first (of only two) online dates. Before that, as you know, my dating prospects had been brought to me by family, friends and my place of work. The internet did not bode any better, but I stuck it out through six long months of membership.

In this past year, perhaps among the most eventful of my life, so much has transpired. I signed up for online dating, despite my extreme vehemence to do so. I exchanged emails and winks and flirty banter with strangers. I went on two dates and accepted the fact that email personalities and real life ones are often drastically different. I mastered the art of e-flirting. I helped coordinate awesome sounding dates that never came to be and accepted that, sometimes, people just fall off the face of the earth. And that's okay.

I started a dating blog, which isn't as anonymous as I first anticipated it to be. I defended myself against commenters who knew not me nor my situation but still felt the need to comment on my life. I re-entered the real life dating world, albeit with a former participant. I dated. I learned to let people in. I learned how to deal when those who were let in decided they wanted out. And how to accept them back into my life.

I learned how to communicate better, with friends and beaus. I learned how to sit back and enjoy things for what they were. I tried to learn how to not overanalyze and not try to extract meaning from every word and deed. I learned that it is very easy to convince yourself you are in a good and healthy relationship but it takes actually being in one to grasp the fact that, all those other times, you were deluding yourself.

I learned when it was appropriate to share the goings on in my love life and when it was better to keep things to myself. I learned that true friends love you no matter what and will support you through most of your tribulations but oftentimes have a harder time forgiving and forgetting than you do--but that, eventually, they will come around.

I learned and fully understand that relationships take work--a lot of it--and those who say they don't or they shouldn't are fooling themselves. But I also learned that the work you put in, when it pays off, is worth all the trouble and heartache it took you to get to that point.

Happy belated anniversary, PWM.

Bringing Down the House

2007-02-21T18:40:00.002-05:00

Inspired by R.D.'s recent post, I would like to address the "playing house" phenomenon that I have witnessed with so many of my single friends.

Scenario: Boy meets girl, boy and girl become exclusive, boy and girl become inseparable, boy and girl "live together" without living together, including doing each other's laundry, paying each other's bills, taking care of each other's pets and children. You get the point.

As I recall from back in the annals of time when I was dating, this is a very exciting time. Everyday you learn so much about each other and mundane, daily activities have an excitement that was never there before. It is certainly a time to be enjoyed.

(and here comes the big) BUT, I have found that some people revel in the companionship and the "white picket fence" of it all so much, that they choose to overlook the red flags that seem to be popping up all over the place. One GF of mine is engaged to a guy who has a 4 year old son and she has been playing house since two weeks into the relationship. She loves going to the park as a family and "playing mom" to her soon-to-be step-son by dressing him up in lacoste polo shirts and going to his parent/teacher conferences. All the while, she is completely oblivious to the bitter, ugly and exhausting custody battles that have been and will likely continue to rage between her fiancee and his ex-wife for the next 14 years, as well as the emotional toll that it takes on her relationship with her fiancee.

Some people equate playing house with long term commitment and compatibility. Long term commitment is not about playing house. Long term commitment is about staying and working it out when you would rather go back to your own apartment, cool off and watch Sex in the City. Long term commitment is 99% about substance and 1% about form. There is no such thing as "taking a break" from marriage to find out if there is anyone else better out there.

So cherish playing house. Learn from it. Take it for what it is worth. But remember next time you ask him, "wanna come over [and play house]?" not to confuse the thrilling novel game with l-o-v-e.

The games we play.

2007-02-21T14:47:00.000-05:00

It’s like when you were little and the little boy from across the street came over to play, and you made him play house. Except now, there’s making out. And real food. And, no one has to go home when the streetlights come on.

In fact, sometimes you never go home at all.

I have been playing house with RCB for the better portion of the last month. He spends at least five nights a week with me. We cook together, we clean together, we watch tv together. We lay on the couch and read together. We go places together. Are you getting the “together” part of all of this?

It’s kind of weird how one can fall into such a comfortable routine. It’s no longer really a question as to if he’s coming over but, more so, when. We have become so used to each other that it’s kind of scary.

But what’s scarier is the fact that we are playing house. While it’s obvious to both of us that we “like like each other,” there is no talk of marriage or, really, “what” we are doing. We are just doing. There is lots of talk about tomorrow and next month and this summer and the nebulous future. But I think the “pretend” aspect of this scenario is keeping up so occupied that nothing else matters.

I feel like I’ve reverted to childhood with this seemingly innocuous game. This time, though, it’s not so harmless and there is an intensity to it that is unequivocal to anything I’ve ever done or felt. But, is it really that intense or do I have blinders on because I like having someone wash the dishes while I put the laundry away? Because I like cuddling on the couch and watching Jeopardy? Because the thought of going to bed alone makes me kind of sad? Do I like playing house or do I like the idea of it? If we switched RCB out with someone else, would I feel the same?

If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said maybe. Ask me right now.

Not a Shred of Romance

2007-02-16T08:23:00.000-05:00

Is it so wrong that I bought my husband a paper shredder for Valentine's Day?

I feel like this may come back to haunt me if we ever have a Dr. Phil intervention.

At least I have a comeback though - he bought me a blender.

So much for sexy lingerie, chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne.......

V.D. Free

2007-02-15T08:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am. How about the rest of you? Did the snow and ice wreck your dinner plans? Please tell me it did...I am here in beautiful weather (though i was told this morning it may "freeze" early Saturday morning *gasp*) and not only did I not have a date (and/or any other sort of loose variation) for Valentines, I am under the weather. Started in the head, woke up with it in the chest...you know the drill.

One week after I started taking regularly a B12 and Vitamin C. Bullshit.

So what happened to the other bloggers? I'm only showing a few...did Objection and Dr. Strangelove, etc fall off face of earth...

Too little, too late...

2007-02-14T22:48:00.000-05:00

...but entertaining nevertheless. From the good people at my Google homepage, I found this today:

http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss

Work on your technique, folks. Apparently there is a protocol one must follow when giving tongue. Ew, I hate that term.

Smooch away, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Ready or not, here I come. Maybe.

2007-02-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

Let me begin by saying that last night I sat on my couch watching a basketball game sans RCB. Um, who am I and what have I done with RD?

Ok, now down to business. As seems to be happening quite a bit recently (and slightly out of character for me, but maybe I have a new character emerging), a lunchtime conversation I was having with a gal pal turned to the subject of bedroom activities. The impetus of the conversation was actually quite amusing: I was saying how, because I have been watching so many sporting events on television, I have come to realize how prolific the commercials for ED are and how it has become a joke with me and RCB.

Now, I realize it is a drastic segue, but our talk did eventually turn to what happens when one or both parties are unable to culminate the activities, if you will.

You know, if there's no peak...no climax...no pinnacle...no...fine, no orgasm.

Sometimes, things happen. But, what if it's perpetual on one or both sides? Do you talk about it? If so, how do you bring it up? Is that an obvious indication that the sex is bad, or is it just a force of nature? If you're the girl, do you take lessons learned from Meg Ryan and fake it, hoping he doesn't realize it? What if he calls you on it--how can you justify this blatant insult on his manhood? (I recognize, through my extensive magazine related research, that emulating Sally may not be the best idea because 1. you are accepting less than what you want/need, and 2. it doesn't help to make anything better. How can you and he work to achieve "the big o" if you don't address it? - or so says the magazines.) If he's the one who is having trouble, do you acknowledge it or do you roll over and go to bed?

More importantly, what happens if this evasion of pleasure becomes a common occurence? Are there underlying issues that are causing this? Are either one of both of you just not that into it any more? Is it grounds for a break-up? Are sex and its benefits more important than the friendship and companionship that also make up the relationship?

I realize that in an open and honest relationship, these are all things that can and should be discussed in an easy manner and that should be worked on together with your partner. However, I also realize the sensitive nature of this subject and the various implications that come with it. It's hard to soften the blow when you're the girl and it is he who is having the performance issues. Interestingly enough, it's probably easier for the girl to talk about it if she's the one with the issue. But, conversely, it's probably difficult for the man to hear that his woman isn't pleased, that she's not enjoying the interaction to its greatest capacity. Is it an ego thing? Does that make it harder (or not, whatever the case may be)?

Seems to be a sticky subject.

My Boy (reference to the TBS show)

2007-02-07T08:05:00.000-05:00

There’s a guy, a fellow doctor, with whom I’ve become good friends through work. From the minute I first met him over this past summer I was attracted to him and for the past 7 months we have spent almost every weekend that we’ve both been in town for together, and some days during the week, along with our core group of 2-3 other friends. What has happened since has been the development of a close friendship while he’s continued to casually date (never seeing more than two or three times because he breaks up with them) women he meets online (and I've casually dated as well). He is concerned about major events in my life and always calls me to see how I am doing when I am away on business trips. None of my other guy friends and I do this – hey, we’ll be having beers in a week. I have dated no one seriously both since we met and since my break-up with Flyboy last June (sad, I know, but I’m scared!) And while I believe there’s a definite mutual chemistry that’s evolved between the two of us, he has never taken the initiative to spend time with me alone.

Yesterday this guy expressed to me in conversation the fact that he’s incredibly insecure, and afraid of pursuing a real relationship because he fears a woman he’s extremely into will ultimately reject him, implying that he toys around with online dating in order to feel like he’s really in the dating game when the truth is he’s not at all secure enough to be. I'm not at all cocky, but as we talked about this stuff, he made eye contact the whole time, blushed, and touched me, all indications that he might be slightly more into me. My question to you readers is – how do I broach this subject, and, more importantly, do I broach it?

From our friendship, I know there are many reasons why we would make a good couple (we have a ton in common both value and personality wise, right down to our deep seated insecurities and history of having been late bloomers in dating). I feel a physical attraction. My rational mind (which has read HJNTIY) tells me if he were into me, he would have made a move by now as he’s a guy and clearly capable of doing so, that I’ve simply been put in that 'just friends' category. The truth is that, on occasion, I’ve become slightly angry at him for not having acted sooner, and probably acted colder than I’ve wanted to towards him, as a result, perhaps driving him away? My less rational (i.e. emotional) mind says this guy and I could be very good for each other, we have great conversations, he eases the stress of my normally taxing workday, I think I do the same for him, and we connect emotionally (and physically, well, in my fantasies, at least).

If you’ve read my past posts that involve fwb, he does NOT know about him - fwb has since left the area, gone overseas, in fact. Also things with my male friend (see December 19th post) who I was seeing over the holidays never sizzled, mostly due to my lack of attraction, so that issue is a non-issue as well…

The more I think about it, the more I just freeze… What’s a girl to do (if anything)? Relationships are hard enough, but potentially putting a friendship on the line is even harder.

Oh, Stupid Cupid.

2007-02-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

So, things with RCB are still progressing. But so, unfortunately, is time. Which means that the up until this year dreaded February 14 is right around the corner.

Who am I kidding? I am dreading it this year with more angst than usual. Typically, I pretend the "holiday" doesn't even exist, choosing, instead, to celebrate Singles' Awareness Day. In the past this has included treating myself to myriad personal treats to include, but not be limited to, a nice dinner out, some new threads, a red Kitchenaid mixer...whatever.

This year I actually have a--dare I say it--boyfriend. And an unrealistic fear of the holiday that is all hearts and arrows, candy and flowers. Why do I find it so difficult to say, "Hey, RCB, what are we going to do next Wednesday?" We talk about things much more important and intimate than that. So what's the deal?

More importantly, what if we do not talk about it? Do I buy secret gifts just in case he does (in case you're reading, the red Nano is screaming my name) and give them only if I get something? As one not versed in these romantic games and gestures, I am virtually clueless.

Why do I feel this pressure? Isn't it just another Wednesday in the neighborhood?

Let me tell you 'bout the birds and the bees.

2007-01-30T21:00:00.000-05:00

Seventeen years too late, I finally had "the talk" with my mom.

So we're spending Sunday afternoon together when all of a sudden (okay, not so suddenly) the topic turns to s-e-x. Let me tell you: the topic has never ever ever turned to this before. I was the girl, in fifth grade, whose parents wouldn't sign the permission slip for Human Growth and Development (ie sex ed) because I was too young (but, oddly enough, signed that of my brother when he was in fifth grade, even though he was a year young for his grade...but that's neither here or there).

Apparently, my mother thinks her little Reluctant Dater is not as...shall we say reluctant as she actually is. While she definitely never thought I was a promiscuous girl, she surely had me pegged as someone with more experience than I actually have. Amusing yet equally disturbing.

My mother was not raised in this country and married at a very young age. Thus, I always assumed that her views on sex related topics would be pretty conservative and old school (lbh, I was probably just always too embarrassed to just ask her), that her "cool" nature was just a show, that when it came down to it, "morality" and "the right thing" would always rule over hormones and desires. I could not have been more mistaken.

It is very unnerving to discuss things of this nature, so frankly, with your mother when it's never been a topic of conversation before. I learned a lot about her views on all things premarital sex, her opinion on the choices available if an "accident" occurs, how she feels about cohabitation before marriage and her overall take on my love/like life.

If you know me, you know I am hard pressed to discuss things of this nature, even with the closest of my friends; if I do, it is often prodded out of me (you lucky few who get to hear about it without forcing it should feel honored). So, you can imagine what the vibe in the car was on Sunday afternoon. Ultimately, it was interesting to go through my dating history and hear what she had to say about my various past suitors, as well as her opinion on my current beau (which, btw, is going very well. Like with a capital V).

What was most interesting, though, was how really easy it was to talk to her about all of this. I think I may have found myself a new non-professional therapist (to add to my growing legion, not to replace any or all). Non-judgmental and quite progressive, I know she will tell it like it is.

And, as usual, she will probably be right.

Third time's a charm? Or three strikes, you're out?

2007-01-24T13:14:00.000-05:00

The sucky thing about writing blogs about your dating life is that, unless you suspiciously delete them, your dilemmas and triumphs remain for the world to see for all of posterity.

Had I not written volumes about my relationship with RCB (from its re-inception to its demise), what I’m about to tell you would seem great. But, I did. I opened my mouth (or, alternatively, let my fingers dance across my keyboard for extended periods of time) and you know the good, the bad and the ugly of our coupling.

What you do not know, and what I have been—in an uncharacteristic manner—keeping from you is that we never stopped talking after I sent the “let’s trade belongings” email. At first, it started out slow; we were both hurt and confused and afraid of what we might say or do. Soon, the conversations began coming every day and lasting longer and longer; as one who frequently complained, previously, of the lack of communication, this was obviously unprecedented.

Last week, we saw each other. It was after that when I realized that “this,” whatever it was, was not going to work. We could not be friends. Our chemistry, palpable since the second we met, was still there. How could we possibly be expected to sit next to each other and just watch a movie? Or sit across from each other at dinner and not be thinking about dessert? We couldn’t. Realizing this, I set out to tell RCB that we had to end whatever it was we had. I was going to dump him this time.

Like most things in my life (and, a good thing for you), the conversation did not end up as I expected; what I expected was a five minute conversation that would not end with either party being happy but, rather, one that would leave us feeling a little more sad and lost and confused than we had been. What I got was a three hour conversation where every issue of distrust, insecurity, anxiety, desire, and expectation was discussed.

No, I can’t forget the things he said to me. He knows this. I can forgive him, based on recent conversations and explanations, but I will never forget. I will not forget what got us to that point in December, when he felt it was appropriate to end what he is now calling the greatest relationship of his life. But I will also not forget, as we forge ahead with this reborn relationship, the feeling of putting it all out there and of being honest and mutually optimistic.

Oh yeah, you read that right. We are trying this again. The difference, this time, is we both actually and really know the other’s intentions. He knows that our common fear of failure and getting hurt is no reason not to try this, for real. If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. As long as we tried our hardest and gave it our all, neither one of us could ask for more.

I do not need to be reminded of the events of the last time we were together; the blogosphere does a good enough job doing that for me. The “I told you sos” need not be ready at the helm, for I have a better feeling about this now than I ever did before. I have to trust in myself and in RCB and in what we can make of this. And so, too, friends, do you. I realize this might be the biggest mistake of my life; but it could also be the greatest decision I ever made. That, of course, is left to be determined.

Lesson Learned From an Unexpected Source -- Reality T.V.

2007-01-21T15:03:00.000-05:00

This weekend I hapened upon a marathon of an old reality show -- My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee. For those of you who somehow missed this show the first time around, allow me to provide a bit of an overview. The concept is relatively simple. Pretty girl (hereinafter "Bride") and Obnoxious Guy (hereinafter "Groom") attempt to convince their respective families that they (1) met on a reality dating show (2) fell in love (3) got engaged and (4) are getting married three days after announcing their engagement. The couple is horribly mismatched, thus adding to the humor of the show. If the couple successfully convinces their families that they are getting married, they each win $500,000. But, there's also a delicious bit of dramatic irony. You see, what Bride doesn't know is that Groom is actually an actor (as are his insane family members).

Bride's family is comprised of dad, mom, two brothers, and a sister. They are an extremely close and supportive family. All family members are disturbed by Bride's choice of husband. And, they voice these concerns. But, in the end, they attend the "wedding" and support her because they love her unconditionally. The show, which initially seems to focus on Groom's poor manners and inability to control his bodily functions, actually ends on a touching note.

The first time this show was televised a few years ago, I was still married to Dr. Evil. We watched it together. And, I recall being quite shocked to discover that my parents were also watching the show. Emily Post and my dad are not big reality t.v. fans, but they enjoyed this particular feature.

As I watched the series again this weekend, I suddenly was struck by the irony of my parents watching the show. You see, dear readers, my parents were not huge fans of Dr. Evil, even before the extent of his evil nature became apparent to all. Call it a sixth sense, say "father knows best" -- but they truly didn't like him. Their dislike, BTW, wasn't without reason. And, they expressed their concerns prior to the big day. But, in the end, they were there. Emily Post planned a truly beautiful wedding and dad gave his little girl away to a less than worthy recipient. They stood by me, even though they knew I was likely to get hurt. A few years later, when I called them up and told them I needed to come home, they allowed me to do so with open arms. And, when I finally decided that it was over, they supported me, and gave me hugs...they cried with me and for me. They helped me put the pieces back together. That my friends, is love.

I've spent my adult life looking for that magical love -- that storybook fantasy. I've searched for that person who completes me. Through all the ups and downs of my search, sometimes I forget that I already am tremendously blessed to have friends and family around me who love me so completely. And so, to build on one of RD's recent posts, I would like to say thank you -- to Emily Post and dad, to all the friends who listen to the tears and give advice and who are always there for me. At the end of the day, no matter what the future may hold, I am an extremely lucky girl.

Not sure what to think about this...

2007-01-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

Remember Jen Schefft? The girl who won the heart of Andrew Firestone on The Bachelor four years ago and who, nine months later, called off the engagement to the gazillionaire tire heir and winemaker? The one who declined the proposal of hottie (yet undeniably vapid) Jerry on her own show (the first season of The Bachelorette)? Yeah, I thought so.

Per my reliable sources at Us Weekly (and verified by quick research jaunts to amazon.com and her publisher's website), Jen has written a book about dating and being single (and okay with it). She's stretched her fifteen minutes of fame a few seconds longer and, next week, Better Single Than Sorry: A No Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling will be published by Harper Collins.

As a [former] self-help afficionado, this book is right up my alley, especially considering recent developments (or the lack thereof) in my own life. If Jen can pass up a millionaire and a hot actor, if she can live through another former flame falling in love with and ultimately proposing to Guiliana DePandi (ew), then I can totally move on and live my own life to the fullest.

To order or not to order? That is the question. Maybe, in the meantime, I'll just dredge up my copy of He's Just Not That Into You. It's been a while, and its lessons obviously are in need of being refreshed.

I am an attention whore.

2007-01-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

I never really knew this about myself. In fact, if you were to ask me, I’d say I hated attention; the thought of people looking at me, perceiving me, judging me…my fear of such unadulterated focus on me was probably even the catalyst of my mid-20s career change.

But, in the world of relationships, in the arena we call “dating,” I like attention. I like talking and staring into someone’s eyes. I like holding hands and forehead kisses. I like talking about my day and telling secrets. I like the feeling of clicking and palpable chemistry. But is attention and the need for it reason enough to remain in a toxic relationship?

Granted, much of the attention I enjoy is based purely on physicalities. I’ve come to find, however, that it is this physical attention (and the prospect of it) that makes me do and say stupid things in order to attain it. I have been in situations where I can now recognize that the attention paid to what I was saying was simply a means to an end—feigned interest in the subject matter so that the end result would be amenable to both parties. I am astute enough to realize that these situations are not relationships in the least. They’re simply a conduit to physical affection. I am not always wise enough, though, to stop myself from getting into—or, sadly, returning to—situations where this is the case.

I’ve continued—and gone back to—many a relationship because I knew that, once I returned, I’d get that attention (lbh, when you’re lonely and becoming cynical, any attention is good). Most of the time, this was not a good idea, and the fleeting moments of fun, excitement and bliss would soon (ie once I was alone again) be overpowered by the anxiousness, neuroticism and renewed (albeit wrongly) hope that has come to define my relationship history.

My dating life has been what it is because I have made it so. The decisions I have made and, alternatively, not made, have put me where I am today. Whether this is where I need to be or not is left to be determined. I take responsibility for the choices in my past and those that I continue to make. But I recognize, at the same time, that these choices—whether good, bad or impartial—have made me who I am. They have made me the person with whom the next lucky man will fall in love. My quirks and faults, my assets and my appeal are all results of the attention I received (forced?) from others before him.

A friend of mine recently told me that in order to be happy, you need to be one with the universe. Now, if you know me you will know that I am the farthest thing from a new age, psychobabble follower there is. But what she said kind of stuck with me. She continued by saying that you can tell the universe that you want to be in a happy and committed relationship but, if you’re putting your energy elsewhere (ie sticking around in bad relationships or not being true to yourself) you’re going to give the universe conflicting messages and, thus, you are not going to ultimately get what you want.

Broken down into our language: if you want to meet the love of your life and continually keep going back to the guy(s) who broke your heart, you’re going to pass up something good. Because no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that you can hang out (or “hang out”) with these other men and still be open to the possibility of a new relationship, you’re fooling yourself.

I will not be a fool.

backwards math

2007-01-17T14:02:00.000-05:00

there is a Friends episode with rachel's 30th birthday party. i remember watching this episode while in either high school or college and thinking to myself, wow, she is completely overreacting. she was panicking as she was trying to explain to ross how she was missing her deadlines for meeting a man.

she explains that once she met the man, she would have to date him for two years, get engaged and plan a wedding for at least a year, then they would want to enjoy being married as a couple for a few years before having a baby. at that rate, she wasn't going to get married for three years or have a baby for at least six. AND, in order to even get married in three years, she had to meet the guy within the next couple of weeks!

i'm sure you Friends experts can correct me on the timeline, but whatever, you get the point.

i remember at the time distinctly feeling like she was dumb to be freaking out over that. i thought she should enjoy her killer apartment, and enjoy being a cool single new york city girl. and i still think that...most of the time.

the truth is, i'm independent and confident, i have unwavering love and support from family, a great job, and a close group of friends i can rely on. but someday i would like to find someone i was crazy about, a man that would share a life and family with me. i'm nowhere near ready for marriage right now, and please note - i'm ok with that. but i would like it sometime.

the self-imposed timeline is absolutely ridiculous, yes. but in a way, part of me can understand. i can understand, as a woman, being concerned about how old i am when i want to start having kids. it's different for men, they can successfully reproduce for decades longer than women.

i'm not some relationship-needing, boyfriend-hungry woman with a timeline set in stone. but, i think part of growing up and maturing is being honest about what you ultimately want in life. and it's ok to think about when you might want all this to happen...as long as there's some flexibility.

Bringing Blogging Back

2007-01-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

I join the chorus of appreciation that RD is feeling better and profusely apologize for temporarily abandoning "Playing with Matches" in her absence. So, I am bringing blogging back, Justin Timberlake style.

Because this is my first post, allow me to introduce myself. I am a twenty something (ok, fine almost thirty) who has been married for four years, but with the same S.O. for almost ten years. Because I met my husband when I was 19 and have been off the dating scene for so long, I learn so much from my single friends about dating in the new millenium.

For example, many of my single friends have told me about the new phenomenon of men "trimming" their body hair - from their chest hair to their (uh, hem) pubic hair. This was fascinating to me - I am shocked that so many men take the time to coif their unmentionable body parts. Do they think it will be more attractive? Appear bigger? Is there any ettiquette out there on this? We women have the "bikini wax" option at the spa and SI swimsuit edition to let us know what is and isn't acceptable, but where did this male trend originate? Do they have "special clippers" for their nether-region? I have so many questions and a very clueless hubby on this topic.

Also, since 1997 (!!), online dating has become the norm and a whole lexicon and set of manners has developed around this trend. My 58 year old mother (who is single, but "going steady"with her "beau") explained "winking" to me. "You really should only wink at someone that you will accept a date with, because it's very poor form to wink at someone and then turn down a date." Ummm, really? Also, I hear that people can magically detect when you have been looking at their webpage even if you don't "wink" at them, so anonymous stalking on dating websites is impossible, as well as completely taboo.

Wow, I am so out of it.

Retail therapy?

2007-01-11T19:01:00.000-05:00

Can't buy me love? Let's see...

My good friend NotCarrie and the other NotGirls at No Sex & the City are hosting a date auction. All proceeds go to a great cause, and some of this blog's favorite readers, commenters and friends are up for grabs. So gals, if you're looking for a date with a great guy with whom you can talk all things blog (and support a good cause along the way), this is the place for you to go! You can, obviously, talk about (and do!) other things, too. Ha.

I've got a vision of love.

2007-01-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

I see how it is. RD disappears for a while and Playing With Matches goes to crap. Girls, come on. Where are you? Where have you gone? Where is your commitment?

Seriously, though, I shouldn’t complain. You all are committed. You all are wonderful, caring individuals. And you all (and others like you) showed me, during my hiatus, just what love and friendship really are and mean.

This is not an open letter of friendship to my fellow bloggers but, rather, an exposition on a realization that I came to this week. My so called hiatus was not one that was anticipated or even planned. I found myself celebrating New Year’s Eve not with a beau or even with friends. No, friends, I spent my time welcoming in the new year in the operating room having emergency surgery. All is well, do not fret. Things were rough going for a while. But it was during that time, no matter how cheesy it sounds, that I realized what love and what commitment really are.

Love is a call to check in, to see how you are feeling. Love is a frantic phone call, worrying about your well-being. Love is dropping all plans and sitting in the waiting room, hoping and praying that you will get through this. Love is telling someone how much you scared them and asking them to never do that again. Love is text messages sent at all hours of the day, whether the last one went answered or not, just to tell you someone is thinking about you and sending good wishes your way. Love is bouquets of flowers and bouquets of cookies and bouquets of balloons. Love is sitting with you while you recover, even though you’re not saying anything and hospitals are gross places. Love is asking, over and over, what you can do for someone, even though you know the answer will be “nothing.” Love is DVDs and Sudoku books and stuffed animals (even though you are—ahem—almost 30). Love is taking care of business for you when such business is in need of being taken care of. Love is the sound of your voice on the phone when you find out bad news, and the subsequent relief that is audible when you realize everything is going to be okay. Love is giving up your own comforts so that those of others can be met. Love is undying commitment to the happiness and well being of someone other than yourself.

For a blog whose focus is, essentially, a chronicle of love and the search for it, I know this is not really a post you’d expect to see. This is not about romantic love. This is not about lust and infatuation. This is about the love that we should realize we already have in our lives, the love we don’t always appreciate and recognize even less. Perhaps it will make the search for “true love” less daunting and dubious. But maybe it will also help us all figure out that it is something that often evolves without us even realizing it, without being forced or prodded, without being overanalyzed.

Leading lady...or best friend?

2006-12-24T00:04:00.000-05:00

I saw The Holiday with LC. Tagged a romantic comedy, to me it was nothing of the sort. Romantic, maybe. But comedic? Absolutely not. Unless you (or I should say I) find my life to be a comedy. If we’re going to be honest (because you know I always try to be), these days (or the past year and a half, more like it) I guess my dating life has been a comedy of errors.

Usually, in movies such as this (ie ones about unrequited love, lost love, etc.) I can find myself relating, on at least a very base level, to the female character (who, most likely, is the one who is brokenhearted, wanting, pining for, hoping for, wallowing, wishing, worrying about…you get the picture). In this movie, I related (at different points throughout the film) to many, including male characters.

Amanda, played by Cameron Diaz, is one gal who feels emotion but doesn’t show it. In her case, it’s an inability to do so; in my case, I try not to do so. Lately, I’ve overcome that. I won’t give anything away by telling you if she is able to do the same. Another thing Amanda and I have in common is our tendency to “beastie boy” (aka sabotage) relationships. Amanda totally beastie boyed all of her relationships past and took the same path in the movie, making up stories about her holiday fling (a very hott Jude Law) and (maybe? maybe not.) putting the kabash on the relationship with a whole slew of what ifs instead of sitting there and enjoying the moment.

Iris, played by Kate Winslet, is classic RD. Everything she did, said, talked about and was represented me. I felt, at times, that I was the one who should have been performing that script. Her speech at the beginning, her way of handling herself around (and not) the ex, her speech about love and getting over it at the end of the movie...all of it. But then Graham (Jude) would have been my brother and I couldn’t have made out with him.

Even Jack Black’s Miles said and did things that I’ve said and done in the past [two weeks].

As I seem to have taken a tangent from the point I started out trying to make…the movie was an accurate depiction of what people do after a break up—how they act in the days, weeks and, sadly, even years following. There were numerous instances throughout the 2+ hours where I could just feel LC staring at me, as if to say, “This is so you! Do you see what I’m dealing with??” To which I kept giving quite audible, “SHUT UP”s.

I stole the title from one of the best lines in the movie. Iris, one of the main characters, is sitting at dinner with an older man whom she has befriended. He asks her why such a beautiful, fun, wonderful woman is alone (ie the question every single woman loves to hear). Iris’s dinner companion, a man who has been in the movie industry since the days of Cary Grant, says this to her: “in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend.”

Reluctant Dater likes to be the best friend. Or so she tells herself and others. The “nice” part of me, the “kill them with kindness” [without killing them but while still getting to spend time with them] relegates me to such a position and, I’m afraid, may stifle me from becoming the leading lady I deserve to be—the Audrey Hepburn to his George Peppard, the Vivien Leigh to his Clark Gable, the Julia Roberts to his Richard Gere. I know I do this, I always have. Another lesson learned came from none other than Miles when he finds out that Iris is maintaining correspondence with her ex (of three years, who happens to be engaged); Miles says something to the effect of how he [the ex] gets to keep [an eager for any kind of communication] Iris around and, thus, the ex gets the benefit while Iris gets nothing out of it. There is nothing going on here except a perpetuation of the breakup; he’s not letting her forget him. And that’s what she needs to do before she can move on to bigger and better things.

Funny, it’s something someone else told me the other day, too. And, I know it’s what I need to do. But it’s so hard not to answer the phone when he calls, or answer an email when it pops into my inbox. Even if there’s no flirting. And, obviously, I’m not the only one who’s doing these things as a whole effing movie was based upon this (and is doing quite well).

Anyway, I felt the need to relate something in pop culture to my life today, as writing about my therapy iPod mix (an idea inspired by lmnt’s music post the other day) just seemed too depressing. But, don’t worry: some day you will be lucky enough to get that playlist. And what a playlist it is.

While the title quote was inspiring, the following made me cry (a lot) and really hit home…but gives hope, too:

It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little peices of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Happy Happy Holidays

2006-12-20T17:26:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish all of you a wonderful holiday season:D i am sorry i am m.i.a. these days...i know...boo hiss...*sniff*

i miss you all

...to respond to something...my firm had three parties...i wore a suit to the client party, a nice pair of slacks, winter white angora sweater and fun jewelry to the attorney party and tomorrow i'm wearing business casual to the office party...

that was the only post i really read when i just skimmed the page...

will be back posting regularly sometime after the new year!

and yes. that is a threat.

oh and i almost forgot...welcome new posters...

To Date or Not to Date?

2006-12-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

That is the question I am facing this holiday season. When I return home for Christmas, I will be seeing a close male friend whom I almost dated a few years ago. When we met, we were working together, a time when we both had very intense schedules, yet we quickly became good friends, and though it took him a while to get up the courage to say something to me about how he felt, he finally did. And I rejected him, saying I thought things were better “just friends”, even though mentally and emotionally he is everything I could really ever want in a boyfriend/husband.

We love to spend time together doing the same things, our day to day lifestyles are very similar, we have similar values, he is not intimidated by a woman with a demanding or well paying career, and we have even already been on a vacation (with another friend) together. My rejection of course confused and frustrated him, as he and some of our friends swore there was some definite chemistry there, but our discussion never threatened our friendship. The problem for me was that I didn’t think I had ever been really attracted to him. Superficial, huh? DB is not bad looking at all, he is successful professionally, caring, funny and intelligent, he’s just not my usual “type”. While at times I’ve thought that he had pretty eyes, or nice arms, I never really find myself thinking about him… in that way. He has always just been the guy I would love to set up with a single girlfriend – maybe right for someone else, but not me.

So, in preparation for my trip home, he has already contacted me, and we’ve made some plans, he has even suggested some very nice restaurants. I constantly am left wondering – should I be giving this guy more of a chance? And, why am I really thinking about this now? Is it because I’ve been noticing his picture on my mantle more lately, and thinking about how my life would be different had I been more open to a relationship with him three years ago? Is it just the holidays, and being single? Is it the fact that I wonder if I’d just jumped in, and kissed him, if my romantic feelings might have been different? I have a friend who swears she didn’t really think romantically about her husband until the first time that he kissed her.

Bloggers – what is your opinion? Can physical attraction really evolve? And is it really that important? (I think it is). What are the chances he even feels the same way about me three years later?

Fear of Mr. U.N. Owen *

2006-12-19T07:32:00.001-05:00

First, allow me to express my gratitude to the readers (and fellow PWM blogger) who took the time to respond to my most recent post. Somehow, in a matter of 48 hours I've managed to slowly become increasingly anxious about the HS situation. Always eager to find the root of any and all anxiety thus permitting for its removal from my life, I've tried to figure out the why behind this.

Usually when I'm anxious in the relationship context it's because I need reassurance and/or validation that the other party is feeling the same way I feel. Sometimes, there's a conversation that I need to have to establish this. For example, with EE I struggled for months with the exclusivity thing. A simple conversation with him should have been able to quash said anxiety (assuming of course that (1) I'd been able to initiate such a conversation and (2) upon initiation he had been responsive and supportive). But, in examining the current situation, I find that there's not really a conversation that I could have with HS to make me feel more at ease. He's been acting in exactly the way I've been wanting a guy to act for a long time. He communicates well and frequently. He doesn't hesitate to spend long amounts of time with me. Marathon dates have become normal for us. And, LBH, we've only been dating a short time, so it seems way too early to clarify anything.

So, what's the issue then? Well, I think it's a basic fear of the unknown (* aka Mr. U.N. Owen -- thank you Agatha Christie). I think in part, I'm afraid of getting hurt. I think in part, I'm afraid of getting too comfortable. This relationship has fostered an environment where I (up until the past few days) haven't worried much about e-mailing or texting whenever I feel the need, or planning dates way in advance. I may think twice before sending correspondence, but I rarely think three times. But suddenly, I'm starting to worry that HS is going to get freaked out and think it's all too much too fast...even though he has perpetuated this very comfortable, open kind of exchange. Suddenly, I question whether I should ask about interest in events that are weeks in the future (a recent such inquiry and a lack of response as of yet is a major factor in my current anxiety).

The difficult part of the realization that I'm fearing the unknown here (while simultaneously worrying that I'm going to destroy what seems to be a good basis for a relationship), is that I know that this is all my own internal issue. It's not something that I can likely resolve by getting additional information from HS. Nope. It's something I need to figure out on my own. What's the reasoning for this? Why do I fear messing things up so much? Why do I assume that I'm going to be the one to screw it up? These are all excellent questions. So, today I shall ponder them. Feedback welcomed blogging friends.

Naughty or Nice?

2006-12-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

Interestingly, I've recently decided that the concepts of naughty and nice need not be mutually exclusive. Afterall, sometimes being naughty can be very very nice. If I've learned nothing else this year, I've learned this to be true. But, I digress.

So, I've been somewhat absent as of late. Apologies to all loyal readers. Here's the update. Things with HS are going quite well. No red flags in sight (but wait, is that a red flag in and of itself?). Yup. I'm happy. But, here's the deal. LBH, I want a BF. That's been the problem with all the relationships of this past year. I'm just not content with the one date per week going no where kind of "relationship." In the words of Liz Phair, "I want all that stupid old sh!t like letters and sodas."

So, could things with HS be heading that way? Sometimes I think maybe so. We have multiple dates each week. We have a great time together. He's sweet and attentive. So, what's the problem? The "problem" is that I can't stay detached forever. Sometimes I think it may be easier to be a sociopath, but alas, I'm far from one. Emotion eventually comes into play. And, with emotion comes a chance for getting hurt...again.

A while ago, I pondered the question, does getting your hopes up and wishing for the best make it any worse if/when it all unravels? I'm generally not positive in my relationship outlook. I'm always waiting for the bottom to fall out. But, what's the harm in wishing for it to work out well? At least then, I can be happy in the moment. And, will it really hurt any more if I'm wrong?

Ain't that the truth.

2006-12-16T18:17:00.000-05:00

One of my mom's friends sent me (and her daughters) the following this morning. Kind of appropros, considering my past week.

Once upon a time, a girl asked her guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No." The girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on. The End.

Happy Saturday!

Blue crush.

2006-12-15T18:41:00.000-05:00

The phrase used to describe when one has a crush almost immediately after a breakup (ie when you’re blue).

Some people call it a rebound. As hottie Jim said last night on The Office, a rebound “can be a really fun distraction. But, when it’s over, you’re really thinking about the girl you really like. The one that broke your heart.”

I have a blue crush. Soon, huh? Another work person, of course, because that appears to be my M.O. Like I didn’t learn my lesson from Him and RCB. But this one seems different. Weeks ago, he expressed interest in me to a mutual friend. Not sure if she told him my status (because, as far as she knew, it was precarious at best). Saw him at the party last night. We might have danced (I never dance. And I wasn’t even drinking.). He might have even twirled me. Maybe he got me a drink and, before he went to get it, said, “don’t move, I’ll be right back.” Perhaps, today, we emailed back and forth.

An easy distraction? An insecure search for attention? A desperate attempt to feel wanted and cute and wanted and fun and wanted?

Maybe, if you knew that I saw RCB yesterday, that we spent over an hour, in my office, talking (really talking), your opinion would change. (Unfortunately, RCB’s opinion has not changed. But our conversation was good nevertheless. And worthy of a blog entry in the near future.)

But for now, let’s just crush. It’s way more fun.

More holiday office party etiquette.

2006-12-15T13:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, I attended the same office party as Tex. She and I, it turns out, are excellent wingmen, but that is a story for another time.

We had a grand old time watching the crowd (and, with 3000+ people, quite a crowd it is). While Tex focused on the fashion faux pas of the evening (of which there were many), I will focus on another important area: the dance floor.

Again, the men were on their best behavior (well, as far as we could see). Bless the hearts of those white boys who think they can dance (and sing along!) to Rob Base. But I digress.

Ladies: you are not a pussycat doll. In fact, despite your cleavage baring, overexposed, too tight, "holiday" party outfit, you are, in fact, an employee at one of the most respected consulting firms in the country. Get a grip. There is no need to (1) gyrate to "SexyBack" (sexy never left, baby.) (2) throw yourself at the men dancing around you (3) cling to the men dancing around you (4) sing along and gesticulate so, for lack of a better word, hard that you spill your warm Blue Moon all over innocent (compared to you) bystanders.

Overheard on the dance floor (before the real party started): "Man, you look like a million bucks...but that's no different than any other day." Ew.

what not to wear - office holiday party edition

2006-12-15T12:52:00.000-05:00

Last night my firm had a huge company headquarters party. it's seriously over-the-top ridiculous. company dress code is pretty strict, meaning suits. women can get away with more, however, by "more" i mean nice skirt with cute sweater, or cashmere turtleneck with work pants. we still dress nicely, there's just a broader range of what is acceptable.

on fridays, men do not have to wear ties unless they have a meeting with the client. but that's really as casual as it gets. for holiday parties at the office, you may wear something festive (read: red or green or possibly gold/silver), but nothing, NOTHING that screams seex.

And i'm sorry to have to single out the women, but yesterday (congrats, men), the men looked great, it was the women who needed some serious help. so let's begin.

Here's what I saw last night (none of this is fictional):

1. Woman with lace lingerie top and suit jacket over it. the lingerie was red and black and was the focal point of the outfit, not just an accent. not ok.

2. Woman in her late 20's (so she should have known better) in a forever 21/H&M clubbing dress. the kind that is strapless and made of nylon and clings to your body. hers was off-white with glitter everywhere. accented by a glow in the dark necklace. so. not. appropriate.

3. woman with cut off jean skirt. wow. how is this ok????? we wear SUITS to work! jeans skirts=NO.

4. multiple women showing abundance of cleavage. you have good boobs, and that's wonderful, really it is. but the office christmas party is not the time to put in your chicken cutlet boobs, wear the ultimate push up plunge bra, and then a shirt that dips all the way down to your bra band.

5. bright red skirt with fishnet stockings and red patent boots to your knee = hooker on the street. NOT holiday business woman.

those were the five most serious offenders i can think of. it was truly tragic.

How to meet men.

2006-12-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

Ha. From a very good friend of mine...her list of ways I can meet a good, date-able man:

1. hang out at local hospitals so that you can hit on residents and young drs.

2. start going out in [nearby major metropolitan city] more than [suburban sprawl pseudo city in which you live] (just to get out of the rut)

3. start reading at starbucks (the good location ones) or start hanging out at barnes and noble

4. take a karate class (i crack myself up)

5. take a grad class somewhere in a subject that you like

6. walk around naked everywhere

7. if 6 isn't possible, then walk around in your bikini and heels everywhere

Words of wisdom from...Beyonce.

2006-12-13T08:13:00.000-05:00

"You can't rush a man into anything – whether it's a relationship, marriage or having children. When he's ready, he'll let you know."

On the heels of my most recent breakup, I'll have to agree with her. Well said, Beyonce.

However, I'll have to disagree on one thing...why should you wait until he's ready? Unless you know that it's just a matter of time, more power to you. But, if you know that he sees a future that is different than yours, then are you sure you want to wait for him to possibly change his mind? Thus was my dilemma. We all know what my choice was. And also, we know that my fear is that his choice is going to change.

Isn't it ironic...don't you think?

2006-12-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

So, with any breakup comes cleansing. Cleansing of the soul, cleansing of the mind, cleansing of the heart and, most importantly, cleansing of the home (I can't, however, get myself to throw away his toothbrush).

I have some of RCB's stuff and I want to give it back to him. Now, before you lecture me about how I only want an excuse to see him and that, if he wants his stuff, he can ask for it, I am going to SSSHHHH you. Recent circumstances have somewhat turned my disappointment to anger. I do not feel like going into details, but I don't have any desire (I am convincing myself of this) to see him or be with him.

I have other motives, though, too (the least of which is not planning a pick up/drop off and me looking extremely hot). He, too, has something of mine. A first edition of my favorite book of all time. And I want it back. He cannot have that. Absolutely zippy chance I'm not going to get it back, some way, some how.

The best part of the story? The titles of the books we will be trading are: Between a Rock and a Hard Place and In Cold Blood. Ironic, no?

tex fires back

2006-12-11T20:48:00.000-05:00

please allow me to clarify a few things: yes, things have changed with AJ and I. And LC, AJ and i have had discussions about our relationship very recently. i was very upfront and honest with him - after my talk with AJ, we are aware of where the other stands. we are both on the same page.

to the question yesterday as to how i could be considering liking my ex while in a relationship - first of all, it was an initial reaction to surprising news. second, feelings don't come with an on/off switch. sometimes love stays forever, sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it sneaks right back. we really don't get a say in who or when we love.

i'm not saying i was still in love with my ex while with AJ, b/c i definitely wasn't, and i'm not in love with him now. how i felt today just kind of smacked me out of the blue, and i wrote about it on this blog b/c it surprised me and i wanted some friendly advice.

good heavens this is not a soap opera, i promise.

although i may have some committment issues, i'm not a committment phobe. and who doesn't have some kind of slight committment issue? find me a single woman (or man) over 25 who doesn't have some hesitation about being in a relationship for the rest of her life.

actually, don't...she and i would have nothing to talk about.

time to mess with tex.

2006-12-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

I apologize for the delay in my posting. Due to the recent circumstances with RD, LC has been exhaused of all advice. Congrats, tex- you're up first:

Your most recent post intrigues me. Mainly because I saw you wrote: "i'm not going to fall for him while he's in a relationship." But aren't you in a relationship too? Have you come to a conclusion about that since your first post?

I meant to write this before- but do you and "AJ" see eye-to-eye on the seriousness (or lack thereof) of your relationship? Does he see you as a dating partner with no real potentional for a forever love match? If you two see yourself in the same position as just really good friends with no real "spark", then I say more power to you. However, if AJ sees you as his girlfriend with the potential for marriage- then you owe it to him to have your talk and that might make your decisions regarding "ex" easier.

To be honest- your situation reminds me a lot of RD's- but just the opposite. You are in a relationship that you aren't sure about, but don't want to hurt the others feelings (a la RCB *obviously not as cold-hearted and jerky b/c you are a sweetheart*) and AJ "may" be blind to your hesitations (a la RD).

My advice to you is to accept what it sounds like you already know about your relationship with "AJ" and all your other relationship choices will fall into place.

i think i could like you again, now go away.

2006-12-11T14:40:00.000-05:00

i have an ex-boyfriend. he lives in my hometown. we dated for 2.5 years in and after college (three years ago). in october of this year, he broke up with someone he had been dating for 9 months. For the two years after he and i broke up, i really felt no romantic feelings towards him. he wanted to make our relationship work, i wasn't having it.

fast forward to today. he and i had dinner (twice) and watched a movie together when i went home for thanksgiving. one of the things we talked about at dinner was how we both needed time away from dating just to grow as individuals and assess what we really wanted, both in a partner and life in general.

three weeks later, i just learned that he's kind of seeing someone. nothing serious, he says, they've just been hanging out a lot and there's a possibility of something being there. however, she's moving to california in february so the relationship will probably end then. probably, maybe not (at least as far as i'm concerned).

the thing that bothers me isn't the fact that he treated our going-outs during thanksgiving as dates, or that he hugged me often and kissed my head goodbye - which is NOT friend behavior. what bothers me is that he told me not even a month ago that he needed time for himself. and now, he's dating another girl. i realize you can't plan these things, but three weeks?

do i suddenly have feelings for him? not exactly. after thanksgiving, i realized i hadn't completely shut out the possibility of him and i maybe getting back together at some point in the future. while this might not seem to be big news, it certainly was to me. until then i had felt like i was completely done with our boyfriend/girlfriend status, and fine with it.

now, i know what you're thinking - this guy just can't be alone. not true. he was alone for almost two years after he and i broke up. what makes me mad is that i had just opened the door again to the possibility of a relationship, and i find this out.

so i gtalked him and told him i didn't think we should see each other over christmas:

tex: listen the truth is that i could see us together at some point and i need to let go of that for good
tex's ex: well, i haven't really let go of that either.
tex's ex: if that makes any difference

despite the fact that he says he hasn't let go of the possibility of us, he's obviously is interested in other people. overreacting? perhaps. but if i'm starting to have these "i think might like you" feelings, and he's dating someone else, i need to recover fast and set myself straight. i'm not going to fall for him while he's in a relationship. will i ever talk to him again? maybe. if i can one day truly see him as a very good friend.

i hope it was the right decision. i think it was.

Our own resident of Wisteria Lane.

2006-12-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

As you know, we here at PWM like different perspectives. Whether they come from our bloggers or our blog friends, we're always willing to and wanting to hear other points of view.

And, so, we bring to you our newest addition: friends, meet Desperate Housewife.

She is neither desperate nor a housewife. But she is full of insight and has, because she is and has been married for quite a few years and out of the dating scene for quite a few more, a naivete about her that is endearing (not to mention fascinating). In addition, she has such good and honest views on situations and relationships that it's a shame not to take advantage and allow her, when she sees fit, to stand on her very own soapbox.

DH is truly a treat to have, as an addition to this blog and as a friend. I surely couldn't have made it through Friday night without her.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

2006-12-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

The subject, I know, has been talked to death. But, as I've said before, I use this space to put my feelings out there, because I prefer it to the traditional journal and, at times, I appreciate the comments and advice of strangers (and friends).

I was much stronger today than I thought I would be. In fact, I cried only when retelling the story to a concerned friend. I cried because I am sad. And it's okay to feel this way, I know. "If you're going to make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears."

Most surprisingly, and despite the animosity toward him that seethes from some, I feel no anger. Not one bit. I feel a tremendous amount of disappointment, even more sadness and a tad of loneliness, but I feel not one drop of hatred or anger. In fact, I feel quite the opposite, which I know most people probably will not understand. "We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll smile and recall for just one moment we had it all."

But, most of you also do not know RCB as I know him. You know what I tell you, and what I tell you is mostly the bad stuff, with a lot of exaggeration thrown into the mix. You do not know how he was when we were together, the sweet and intimate things he would say and do. I often chose not to share those things because I felt like they were mine; and while the showy part of me (a part of me that doesn't always come out) wanted to flaunt my happiness to the blogosphere, I refrained. This was my thing, these were my secrets, this was my happiness. "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

It must be the "anatomy" of a breakup, but as my dear friend said when I explained my lack of anger, "you are probably in the forgiveness phase." I guess I am. But being in this phase makes me think that I could be friends with him, as he requested on numerous occasions. I know that this can't happen right away, or even soon. But I miss him. I really do. "I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day."

I also care about him and honestly want him to be happy. Based on our conversations, I am not sure that is possible, which makes me worry. I question what my true feelings for him are/were. "You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.

I obviously still feel like he made a mistake and fear he will realize it and come back; what I fear most, those, is what my reaction will be if this happens. I told him I could never do this again. I'm hoping that's the truth. "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

I think he got scared about the intensity of the relationship and the speed at which it progressed. I question his "reasoning" for the breakup, the impetus for our conversation; while seemingly valid (and the truth) I think it was the most extreme scenario he could have executed, because he knew that the answer to his question was going to be all or nothing. He was right. "He that shuts love out, in turn shall be shut out from love, and on her threshold lie, howling in outer darkness."

"No one can promise they'll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end." I think it was. I hope it was. Time, I suppose, will tell.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

2006-12-09T12:09:00.000-05:00

Reese and Ryan. Jennifer and Vince. Britney and KFed. RD and RCB.

And so it goes. Despite the exclusivity talk, the calls while away on boys’ weekend, and the four day/five night marathon date, RCB decided to step it up and, you guessed it, put the kabash on what I thought was starting to become RD’s first healthy relationship.

Um, yeah. Where the fuck did that come from? Left field, I tell you. Left. Field.

There is so much that I want to put into writing, to save for posterity about this break up conversation. But I have neither the time nor the desire, at least at this moment, to capture all of that. For you, or for myself. I may decide to put it in installments, just so that I have a record of my feelings and thoughts. But, in the meantime, you get the highlights.

Among the gems of the six hour (two three hour segments, divided by sleeping in the same bed with miles of mattress space between us) conversation were the following (in no particular order, mind you, and perhaps a bit paraphrased) gems (spoken, obviously, by him):

“I just see black clouds when I think about this relationship. And doom. It’s going to be a train wreck, and you’re going to be the one who gets hurt.”

“I never want to get married. Ever.”

“But, if I do get married, I don’t see us getting married.”

“You can’t bring me home to meet your parents.”

“I’m not in love with you and don’t know if I ever will be. I just don’t see us spending the rest of our lives together.”

“I love being with you and spending time with you. We laugh, we do things together, we have lots of fun. We can be together without being together. But it’s not right. It’s not going to work if we want two different things.”

“Why do you want to be with me? There is someone better out there.”

“I knew from the moment I set my eyes on you that something was going to happen between us.”

“I am really going to miss you.”

“We can still be friends—but I can’t be the guy who calls you after I break up with you.”

If I were to honor you all with my comments to these, you’d be here forever. And, really, what I said or didn’t say obviously made no difference whatsoever in the outcome of the conversation, as I am sitting here, alone, for the first weekend in three months (disregarding the weekends either of us were away). I did not get off the couch yesterday for eight hours, and then only because a very good friend of mine drove two hours to come and have dinner with me. I couldn’t bear to go into my bedroom (don’t worry, I’ve been there and slept there since) and the thought of eating or drinking anything made my insides turn.

Confusion, sadness and disappointment aside, I think that I need to be mature enough to recognize and accept that this is for the best. RCB could not give me what I needed (though, ironically, I think I was and would have continued to be a very good provider to him—perhaps a problem in and of itself). This was never a healthy relationship, as I always had doubts and trust issues (whether legitimate or not, unfortunately). But I wanted it to be. I wanted to make this work.

What is most unfortunate, and a lesson learned, is that the first real, meaningful, honest conversation we had was the one which led to the break up. I told him that, too—that I wished we had been this honest from the beginning, that it may have altered the relationship. He agreed, saying that would have made a difference but would not have changed the outcome. It would have just caused us to have this conversation even sooner than this.

Despite my heartache (which is slowly but surely fading away, thanks to the plethora of support I’ve received since he walked out the door), I am glad that he had the gumption (thanks, Jack Daniels) to bring this up. He is right—it was better to have this talk now than in two months or six months or a year. We probably saved ourselves (or me) a lot of drama and anxiety and sadness. But it was just such a surprise.

Before he left, he said he hoped that he didn’t get into the car and realize he had made the wrong decision. I told him the decision was his to make, that he had to make it before he left because once he closed the door behind him, there was no coming back, that I was never going to talk to him (theoretically) again. I told him that I could never let myself go back to him. He had hurt me twice, I said, and pretty much told me that he didn’t love me. How could I be stupid enough to let that person back into my life?

As stupid as I was to allow him to kiss me and hug me and be with me one last time before we parted ways. And maybe as stupid as it was to believe that he would, truly, miss me.

If he misses me half as much as I miss him right now, then he has a long road ahead of him.

Does the Past Matter?

2006-12-07T09:07:00.000-05:00

So, though I've alluded to it in at least one blog post, I don't think I've ever directly admitted that I am a divorcee. Yup. I married my college boyfriend. The marriage was short, but not sweet. It ended badly, very badly. I bring this up now, not because I'm seeking pity, but because yet again, I'm struggling with how and when to convey this information to a boy (specifically HS).

Yes, HS and I have continued dating and things are going really well. Really well. And, I'm so happy. But last night, I started to worry about whether or not he knows and whether or not it will matter if he does not.

Allow me to explain. HS and I "met" on line. The dating service of choice does list your status, and my profile shows that I'm divorced. But, it's not something that's in red flashing lights. Actually, in reviewing my profile this morning, I realized, it would be pretty easy to miss this little detail. Now, you may laugh at me and think that it's impossible for someone to miss such information. But, it's not. EE missed it. We had been dating for months before I finally decided to confirm whether or not he knew. And, he didn't. I should add that EE's profession requires that he read in extremely close detail. So, the fact that he missed it shocked me. He said it didn't matter. He said it didn't change things. But, I wasn't convinced. And, I really think that had he known it up front, he might not have initiated contact with me.

In the aftermath of my divorce, I've now dated/had "relationships" with five guys. Five. And, I've never quite figured out how to go about doing this. With FWB, I waited a long time. But, also that was a long distance thing, and it wasn't ever a relationship. And, when I did tell him, I found out he had known all along (we have friends in common). With WB, he knew before anything transpired between us. With EE, I thought he knew, and he didn't. With AG, I told him on the second date...all the details. It was wonderful to be able to be so open, but it also created a therapy-type aspect to our relationship that may not have been necessarily healthy. And now, there's HS.

So, what to do? I know that everyone will say, tell him and if he's not okay with it, he's not the right guy for you anyway. And, while I know this to be true, the thought of it still makes me sad. I have two days to think about this and to decide how I want to go about it. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Fear not the unknown.

2006-12-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

It happened…what you’ve all been waiting for. RCB and I had the DTR. Okay, so it might have been in a slightly passive aggressive manner (as is our style), and it may have been instigated by heavily alcoholic beverages (he was drinking, I was not). But it happened. And, surprise of surprises, it was RCB who initiated.

Without going into the minute details (which, as you know, I do tend to do), let’s just say that we both told each other that, while we could be dating other people, neither one of us were or wanted to be doing so. So, we’re exclusive. I know I have critics out there who will say that he’s telling me what I want to hear, that he knows he has to say this in order for our relationship to continue as is, that he has given me reasons lately and in the past not to be trusting of him…

To you, critics, I say that I have to believe him, I have to believe in the possibility of us. If this is going to work, I have to check my baggage, and his, at the door. And, this time, it's what I want to do.

Doin' it (and doin' it and doin' it) Dr. Phil style.

2006-12-04T14:04:00.000-05:00

When it rains, it pours. PWM is proud to welcome a new feature to the blog: advice from LC.

Now, LC has been mentioned frequently in my blogs as of late, as I have been in great need of life coaching. She's great at it. Trust me. Sometimes we all need a little tough love.

So, welcome Life Coach. LC is ready to monitor our posts and their comments and will hold us accountable for all we say and do. She will throw in her two cents' worth when she sees fit and, don't fret, is used to people (haha, me, specifically) not listening to (but nevertheless appreciating) her no nonsense approach. She knows what's up. Seriously.

LC is a master friend, girlfriend, listener, counselor, dater, talker...all qualities that are essential in a life coach.

She realizes the challenge(s) associated with this new position. She's watched enough Dr. Phil to know, though, that while the views of complete outsiders are often met with resistance, they are still (in the grand scheme of things) worth putting out there.

Hola, LC.

the "it" factor

2006-12-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

Howdy! I'm excited to be a part of the match strikers. I have plenty of relationship and commitment issues as well as strong opinions on men. One of my favorite hobbies is to give advice on love and dating, and over-analyze relationships and the meaning behind the actions of men we date. Actually, i'm not sure these are my favorite hobbies as much as they are my most frequent daily activities. but whatever, let's get to it!

As RD said, I have been in a relationship for over a year and am struggling with a nagging feeling i've had for some time now. Yes, our relationship is good, we are great friends and he's quite possibly the most considerate guy i've ever dated. However, something is missing and i'm not sure how to put that something it into words.

I like to think myself as pretty mature when it comes to relationships. I don't play games, I don't cheat, I tell the truth, and if I'm mad at you - oh there's no hiding it, i'll tell you. Although i despise when people say "everything happens for a reason" (shudder), I think this relationship has taught me what I already knew but had never experienced.

I'm dating this man, We'll call him AJ, and while we've been dating for over a year, we're not nearly as close as I have been to other boyfriends i've dated for a much shorter length of time. I'm my real self when i'm with him, and there's nothing pretend about our relationship. We're open and honest with each other. But there's something this relationship is lacking and it's not something that can be worked on...it's almost...innate.

A while ago I was involved with a guy who complicated everything in my life, pissed me off more than anyone ever has, and because of my and his inability to get along nicely, we ended it. Granted this was probably for the best, we would have eventually killed each other. But we were at both ends of the spectrum all at once. I've never yelled at someone like I yelled at him. He brought out the worst in me, and I in him. But we knew each other like we had been together for many many years.

He knew my thoughts and i knew his and when we were getting along, when we were in sync, it was the happiest, honest and perhaps greatest relationship i've had. And then we would fight again. bad. He and I weren't meant to be, but we had one thing right, we knew each other without speaking, without having to explain ourselves. We had a familiarity and a closeness with each other that i've never had with another guy. side note: and by closeness no, i do not mean physical, i mean emotional and intellectual.

So this brings me back to my current relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just looking for something to be wrong. After all, he's a wonderful guy and I do like him very much. But when i'm completely honest with myself, i still have that feeling.

Cutest. Story. Ever.

2006-11-30T14:00:00.000-05:00

In looking over my last few posts, I realized that those of you who don’t know me (and even some of you who do) may think that I have some serious issues. I seem to go from angry, outspoken bitch to forgiving, accommodating sweetheart at the drop of a hat (or with a phone call). Thank you for bearing with me.

To lighten the tone of this here blog, I thought I’d share a story with you, one that is sure to evoke a huge “awwww” from all who read it (especially if you’re female).

Tomorrow is the birthday of my very good friend AJ’s husband (let’s call him Top Five Husband (TFH) for reasons that are obvious once you spend one second with him). Their story, itself, is one of the best. Ever. Let’s start with that.

AJ and TFH went to middle school together. Cute, little blonde AJ had “an insane” crush on dark haired pre-teen hottie TFH but, as any other 12 year-old, was too shy to let him know. She did, however, write about him in her journal. Day in and day out, AJ filled her journal with her thoughts about TFH.

As tends to happen, AJ and TFH moved in separate directions--high school, college, grad school. She and he both lived their own, separate lives to the fullest. As fate would have it, AJ returned, one summer, to her hometown. Out at a bar one evening (and several cocktails in), AJ turned from her bar stool and looked across the room. And there he was, just as she remembered him. Obviously older and more mature looking. But still the same sweet face she had spent hours upon hours of her middle school years mooning over.

He was in town, too, from far far away visiting his family. AJ was overcome by courage and went up to TFH. She started talking to him and, before she knew it, had blurted out that she had had a crush on him so many years before. Turned out that he, too, thought she was pretty cute. Shortly thereafter, they went on their first date. Next month, they will celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

But, tomorrow, TFH enters into the last year of his 20s. And, as part of his gift, AJ is giving him the journal she kept way back then. The thoughts and wishes of her 12 year old self written with one of “those pens where you could click the top to use a different color ink.” She had “one that was neon pink, neon green, neon purple, and neon aqua” and, apparently, “was not afraid to use all of the colors.”

If that doesn’t renew your faith in love and sweetness and cuteness and meant to be-ness, then I don’t know what will.

Happy Birthday, TFH. I hope you never read this blog.

All her exes live in Texas.

2006-11-30T13:32:00.001-05:00

But she makes her home in Virginia, not Tennessee.

Playing With Matches readers, I'd like to introduce you to Tex and the City (hereinafter referred to as "Tex").

Tex hails from Dallas. She is currently, and has been for little over a year, spending significant amounts of time with a boy she refers to as her "dating partner." She's a young one--a good five years younger than we PWM veterans, so she is bound to offer a new and interesting perspective.

Witty, funny and quite polite (they teach you that in the South), Tex is ready to share and air. A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, she's excited to throw out her thoughts on all that we find important: commitment and the fear of it, those that got away, the anguish of love, and the joys of finding that perfect red velvet cupcake.

So, welcome, Tex. We look forward to your point of view and welcome you to our fun little world.

A moment (no matter how fleeting) of Zen.

2006-11-29T20:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, so maybe not. And, I know the wrath of all of you out there who would kick my ass (over RCB's) if I told you that all was forgiven. But I'm feeling better about things. I'm still not feeling 100%...hell, I'm probably at around 53%, but I'm feeling better. Especially since I found out, from a reliable source, that my imagination ran far, far away from me the other day and what I thought he was lying about wasn't really true. I should save my creativity for writing projects, not my love life.

But he called today. Surprised the dickens out of me when I heard his ringtone. I contemplated, of course, not answering but realized that if I did not, I'd have to call him back and I then ran the risk of him not answering, me leaving a message...you know the drill.

Today I stood up for myself. I did not have, however, the conversation I ultimately wanted to have. The blog (that so many of you graciously lent your opinions to) was meant to be a script. But, while I can write about my life and what I want from it with the best of them, I have a hard time following through. The pen, in my case, is mightier than the [s]word. I talk big but, when it comes down to it, I retreat. The girl you see here is the one I aspire to be; I've made great strides, I think, in the months since I've started chronicling all of this, yet I realize I still have a long way to go.

I did, however, make my feelings known. What I did not do was have the DTR, as suggested (and almost mandated) by LC (I just thought that it was better to have that conversation in person). Nevertheless, I am proud of myself for at least getting some of it out there.

I told him it hurt my feelings that he didn't call me back. He said he was busy. I said it didn't matter, he told me to call, I did, and he didn't return my call and THAT WAS MEAN. He apologized. I said, "now you know that when I call and leave a message, I EXPECT A CALL BACK." Rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, not nice were some of the adjectives I used. He said he called back within 24 hours (like that made it okay) and I said, "we are not a business, we are a relationship." He asked me if I would feel better if I were mean to him. Um, no. I'm nice, and an angel. Remember? I just want to promote honesty and courtesy, buddy. Learn a lesson, please.

The rest of the conversation was pretty friendly. I think I put him on edge (which he deserved to be, but which made me uncomfortable as I was not able to read body language (haha because I'm so good at that)), so I said that I meant what I said, I wasn't being mean, and it made me feel better to be honest with him about how it made me feel when he cancelled two nights of plans (he maintained his excuses) and then didn't call me back AFTER he told me to call him.

He did try to figure out a time for us to see each other before he leaves for his boys' weekend. I'm not going to do anything to make this happen; at this point, I think that it's his responsibility. He's obviously not been making time for me this week, and he needs to get back on his A game or else he's going to be benched (wow, a sports metaphor. He's really done a number on me.).

Don't fret, though...all is not forgotten. I'm on notice for poor behavior just as he's on notice that, at the drop of a hat (or the pushing of "publish post" on this blog), I have a bevy of individuals of all ages, ethnicities and genders who will make him wonder why he ever crossed me. If, of course, he ever recovers from the beat down.

Since I can’t talk to you…

2006-11-28T20:19:00.000-05:00

…because all of a sudden you won’t return my phone calls (I won’t even mention text messages), I’m going to write to you here. And air your dirty laundry for the world to see.

What. The. Fuck.

How do you go from days on end together, deep conversations, road trips, terms of endearment, monologues of devotion, plans for extravagant trips in the future, to nothing? How, dear RCB, is it possible to just turn off your feelings? I’d like to give you BODS here and think that you’re just busy, that your excuses are legitimate. I’d like to think that it takes way too much energy to do and say the things you have been doing and saying for the past three months and not mean them. But my intuition is strong. And things are Not Good.

Weekends away without a single phone call? Not cool. One cancelled date, okay. Two in a row? Unacceptable. Especially since you broke it over email (with a subject line that implied you knew what my reaction would be). Especially especially since you told me, in said email, to “give [you] a call.” And, when the tears of frustration stopped (dammit, I can’t believe I cried over you) and the anger subsided, I did call you. And you Did Not Answer. You didn't answer! I left an uncharacteristic message (there is a bitch in me, bastard, whether you want to believe it or not) that pretty much implied I was only calling because you said to call. You did not return the call.

As LC would say, “Grow a pair.”

I am not jumping to conclusions. I know something is up and you better gosh darn believe we are going to talk about it. If I have to chase you down and tie you to the couch on which we spent so many hours watching television [shows, ahem, that I had no interest in watching but that I did, because I am a GoodGirlfriend], then I will. I am a Big Girl. I can handle the truth. Contrary to your philosophy of "I'd rather have a month more of happiness than be hurt," I would like to know what is happening here. But, are you man enough to tell me the truth? At this point, I am doubting it.

You are one of those boys. You know, the ones who are always looking for something better. I’m here to tell you that you will be pressed to find someone better than me. Seriously. You don’t know what you’re passing up, RCB. Once I’m gone, I’m not likely to come back for a third round. So, you better decide what your priorities are. You need to be honest. You need to realize what it is you’re doing and figure out if it’s really the path you want to be taking. Once I’ve put my feelings (i.e. annoyances, desires, needs, frustrations, apprehensions) out there, I am willing to listen to your defense. And, based on your sincerity (or lack thereof) I will make my decision. I am in control.

I can no longer be afraid of my feelings or how you will view me if I let them be known to you. Can I feel any worse than I do now (which, unfortunately, is pretty bad)? It should not be this much work, RCB, not this early.

No matter how cute or charming you are, no matter how much fun we have together, no matter the life lessons I’ve learned from you—I have to be true to me and what I want. I want to be happy. I want to be loved, unconditionally. I want to know that I am the apple of your eye, the one you want to come home to, who you can’t wait to see and talk to every day. I want to learn things from you and experience new things with you.

I need to be mature enough and brave enough to accept that if one of these new experiences is an actual, mature breakup, then so be it. If you can't give me what I need and deserve and/or at the very least promise to try, then I will have to cut the apron strings.

Despite all of the above, part of me still hopes that it doesn't come down to that.

Masochist? Glutton for punishment? Maybe I'm the one who needs to learn a lesson here.

idiot.

2006-11-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

me. i'm an idiot. an indecisive idiot but an idiot nonetheless.

i met a boy. he called too much, he didn't ask me out correctly...anything and everything was wrong with him.

i did the immature "sort of blow you off" thing...as in waited almost until it was too late to call back or calling on the way to something so that there would be a set ending to point to phone calls. also as in making excuses not to go out with him.

then two weeks ago i called him back (it had been a week and a half since he had left a message..i know i'm mean) and to my surprise i enjoyed our conversation. and to my bigger surprise i found myself asking him out that weekend. and the biggest surprise: i had a great time.

so now...he doesn't call so much. he doesn't answer when i call and waits days to return said calls.

and with his change of behavior i have found myself becoming a spoiled brat. and on friday i embarrassed myself badly...taking exception and accusing of him being a liar by texting he had just gotten home (from out of town) when in fact he had been home for hours drinkign with one of his buddies. of course this "anger" stemmed from the fact I had been waiting for him to call me back for days...

but still...

i left message today on his voice mail apologizing. he has not returned my call.

of course.

i'm an idiot.

A widow at 29.

2006-11-27T15:04:00.000-05:00

First of all, I know you're all on the edge of your seats: he called. Three times, in fact, the last call lasting for over an hour and somehow turning into a [helped along by beer] "RD is fabulous, wonderful, sweet, great and an angel and I wish I were with her instead of just talking to her on the phone" conversation. One that ended with a promise to make up for lost time tonight.

Until he emailed this morning and asked if we could postpone until tomorrow because he wants to take advantage of the nice weather and go out for a round of golf. Though obviously disappointed, especially after being built up so much last night, I acquiesced and told him it was okay. I gave him permission. My permission has, officially, I think, turned me into a golf widow.

My thoughts on this: while I will eventually get to the point where his extreme love of the links will get the best of me, for now, I'm okay with it. Because, and this is really unhealthy, I'm sure, I'd rather him be on the golf course drinking beers with other boys than with other girls. Of course, ultimately, I'd rather he be with me. But I think golf is the lesser of the evils. And, golf vacations for him mean spa days for me, right?

How hard is it to return a phone call?

2006-11-26T12:41:00.000-05:00

Really. Seriously. Come on. Two messages within 36 hours. You can't call me back?

Two messages. That's my limit.

Scheduling Dates Via E-mail: Why I Dislike Feeling Like My Future is Sitting in Someone's Inbox

2006-11-25T18:32:00.000-05:00

I am an e-mailer. Though certainly young enough to recall a time when life functioned just fine sans the Internet, I admit to being fully addicted to the Internet and e-communication. But, I think that despite all the many benefits of e-mail, I have one bone to pick with this medium of communication.

As all readers of this blog know, I have been actively online dating since March. Sure there's been a break here and there as an online match became a relationship or at least seemed to have potential to become such. It seems that most of the guys I've encountered like to schedule dates via e-mail. With EE, even after months of dating, most of our plans were made this way. With AG, dates were always originally suggested via e-mail and then plans usually firmed up on the day of the date via phone as we became more comfortable.

HS has also opted for the e-option. Plans for a second date are in the works. We've e-mailed back and forth about venue and timing. My most recent response was sent last night, and I've yet to hear anything back. Things are pretty much firmed up, but I would like a confirmation e-mail. Thus, I'm left with the feeling I frequently have at such times. My future plans are sitting in someone's inbox. Or, at least I hope they are. As a fairly high strung gal, I always worry that somehow, despite the fact that I can see my sent e-mail in my sent mail folder, my message didn't actually make it. That's the thing about e-mail, friends, you cannot see that it's been sent. It's kind of like the Pill. Sure, we know it's 99.9% effective, but can we see it working? No. We just have to trust that it does so.

Whatever happened to making plans via phone? You talk back and forth. All questions are answered. It probably takes less time. It surely would put my little, paranoid mind at ease. Now, with HS, it's still too early in the communication process for such phone planning...so BODS. But, at some point, shouldn't dates be planned in an alternative way? And, is it further evidence of the disfunction of my relationship with EE that I can only think of a handful of times when we utilized the phone to make plans? And, do I really need further evidence of the disfunction of that relationship? Hmmmm....

Giving thanks (albeit a day late).

2006-11-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

Along the same vein as Objection's birthday post, I feel, at this [alleged] time of introspection and overinflated emotional indulgence, I should sit down, look at the past year and revel in what I've done and been through.

A year ago today, it had been a little over two months since the end of my relationship with Him. The sad thing is, I didn't know it [Hello, Denial. Meet RD] and still thought that there was "something" there, even if it was only the tiniest smidge of hope. I listened to my therapy themed iPod playlist constantly, relating every song to the situation, thinking it might still could maybe possibly work but knowing, deep down, that songs like this were written for a reason and, really, it was done. If Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne can write angry girl songs about getting over it and move on, I could move on as well. And that broken road Rascal Flatts sings about? Well marked with my footsteps, thank you very much.

Unable to not use Thanksgiving as an excuse to call Him, I did. He had [allegedly] spent Thanksgiving alone; it was His first major holiday after his divorce and He just didn't want to have to deal. I felt bad, thinking crazy thoughts (and verbalizing them) like "I wish you would have told me, you could have come to my family's celebration." Wow, like that would have been a good idea. After Thanksgiving, I did not hear from Him again for a month. And after that, not until St. Patrick's day. The rest, I'm afraid, you already know or have at least gleaned from my ramblings.

I am thankful that, these days, I think of Him rarely, if at all. Ok, fine. At least once a day, but it's better than thinking about Him so much that, as Howie Day said and He reiterated on numerous occasions, He was "scared to know [he's] always on" my mind.

I don't know what I would have done if Objection hadn't moved back to the area--she was a single friend beacon in a sky dark with married/attached [albeit fabulous] girlfriends. As a perpetually single gal, it was always tough for me to be the third (or fifth) wheel. But Objection arrived on the scene and we soon began causing trouble all over the place (or at least making feeble attempts at doing so).

I am thankful that I was reminded that it's fun to go out and do things. Even if the people you are around suck or the situation (ew, New Year's Eve) isn't the most ideal, if you have at least one partner in crime you can have fun and, at the very least, have someone to laugh about it with the next day. I am thankful for friends with whom I can spend time but, mostly, for those of you (and you know who you are) who sit there and listen to my daily dilemmas. If you all were psychologists, you'd make a lot of money treating me.

I am thankful that I had the "guts" to buck my personal thoughts and opinions and join Match.com. While the experience was not the best, I can say that I did it with an open mind and tried, for three months, to meet The One. I didn't even meet anyone close. But I tried. And, I can't say that if my current situation meets a sad demise that I won't try a similar avenue. I'm not making promises, so don't get excited. The thing I am most thankful for with regard to that situation, though, is that it was the impetus of this blog which has become, to me, a source of my greatest comfort. Writing in a journal always seemed so pretentious to me; I found it difficult, oftentimes, to even be honest with myself. This is such a different forum. I tell it like it is and don't care who reads it (except, of course, the not so innocent parties. Yikes!). Thinking that there are people out there who may want to hear about what is going on in my piddly little life allows me to want to record everything. Okay, lbh: it's because I'm selfish and want these records for my own edification later, when I'm old and gray and am trying to recollect how I spent those last turbulent days of my 20s. I'll laugh about it as I read these entries, stopping as RCB puts a glass of lemonade next to my rocking chair.

Hhahaha. And that brings us to RCB. Still a tumultuous situation about which I am one moment over the moon and the next under a bus, I can't help but want to continue with it. Some may think it's a bad idea and unhealthy. Some may say to enjoy it for what it is, that at this point hurt is going to hurt whether it happens now or later. Underlying [personal sabotage worthy] trust issues aside, we have had a great few weeks. We've spent a lot of time together. I'm comfortable to a point where he notices. We talk about everything (except, of course, us, but that conversation scares me, and I'm not ready for it, as we all are well aware).

With RCB, I've been able to come out of my relationship shell. I've put myself out there in a way I never would have thought myself capable, considering what I believed to be my relationship maturity level. I've overlooked things I should have been more adamant about and I've been adamant about things that I should have just let go. In other words, I've had a relationship, possibly the first [almost] real one I've ever had. I'm thankful that I gave him a second chance when he came back in August, that I didn't hold a grudge. I'm thankful that I was honest with him at that point and that I've tried to stick by my guns. I am thankful that I have been able escape from my usual MO and actually voice my opinions, which has enabled me to say and do things I never would have imagined. I am thankful he gives me forehead kisses and entertains my silly ideas.

So, friends, Happy belated Thanksgiving. Despite the [tremendous] ups and downs of this past year, I can sit here on Black Friday and be thankful for all that I have, all that I have "lost" and all that is to come. I hope you can do the same.

Analysis

2006-11-22T06:32:00.000-05:00

So, another first date. Analysis? The conversation flowed very well. We had a lot to talk about. We have a similar sense of humor, which is key. The date lasted about three hours, which I take as a good sign. It ended with a comment that it was "nice meeting me," I was given a kiss on the cheek and I got into a cab. But, there was no mention of future dates. Not even an amorphous "we should do this again some time." So, this afternoon I'll send a thank you e-mail (which is more than I did with EE), but I won't count on anything further.

How does this make me feel?

Well, I think it was good to go out and get back on the horse after AG. In the (unlikely) event that HS asks me out again, I'll go. I've decided, however, that I'm not going to push myself here. I'm not going to communicate with guys on the various dating websites just to communicate. I'm not going to go on dates just to give myself something to do. Honestly, I don't feel the need to do it. I think I'm getting tired of trying and that maybe taking some time off might be a good thing.

I came home also to find an e-mail from AG in the old inbox. Sigh.

Here We Go Again

2006-11-21T08:51:00.000-05:00

So, as alluded to previously, I have [once again] a first date scheduled for this week. As usual, I'm feeling a little nervous. But, this time there's more to the anxiety than the usual: will he like me? will I do/say things that make me seem stupid? what if I like him and he doesn't like me? will I recognize him when we meet up? Yes, this time I have three big "fears" going into the date.

FEAR 1: It's too soon after AG. Now, I only dated AG for a month. I dated EE for over 5. My first date with AG after the end of EE was only one month after the breakup. This time 'round, I'm going out a little more than a week after the end of the AG relationship. The issue is, however, that while the AG relationship was brief, I became far more "attached" emotionally to AG than I was to EE. For all my jokes about the body not being cold yet, I do have some concerns.

FEAR 2: The individual with whom I am going on said first date (hereinafter HS) is very attractive. The thing is, I usually don't date conventionally attractive. I am a huge fan of the loveable dork. Now, HS is a smarty, there's no doubt about it. I don't date dumb. But, he's also hot...as in, makes me nervous hot. It's been years since I've dated makes me nervous hot. Am I complaining? No. But, I have fears that it won't work because I'm outside my comfort zone.

FEAR 3: My past two first dates have led to relationships. They were both success stories. True, with EE I left not really knowing what was up. But, a few days later, he e-mailed and soon we were going out again. With AG, we talked of a future get together that night. So, I've been REALLY fortunate. And, because I've been so fortunate (and because I mentioned how fortunate I've been to friends the other night and they were shocked), I feel that my luck and good karma are about to run out. This could be the bad first date I've somehow avoided.

So there you have it. This is an actual look into a [relatively] young dater's overly organized pre-date thought process. Gulp. Here we go again.

All You Need is the L-Word

2006-11-19T18:50:00.000-05:00

Years and years ago, I had a conversation with "Emily Post" (hereinafter EP)regarding The X. She was explaining all the reasons that our relationship wasn't healthy. "But, I love him," I insisted. "Sometimes, just loving someone isn't enough," she replied. I hated that statement. How could she say such a thing? I loved this guy. And, he loved me. And what more could two people possibly need?

Her statement has stayed with me for years. And, this past week, I've found myself going back to it again and again. As an adult, I now realize EP was right.

In advising others on their relationships, I frequenty reflect on my own experiences. So in providing advice this week, I've started reflecting upon EP's words. Sometimes, no matter how much you like someone and no matter how good things are between you, the relationship itself isn't right. You see in a relationship, there are three parties. There's you, there's him, and there's the concept of "us." Just because you like him and he likes you the logical conclusion that the "us" is a good thing, isn't necessarily correct. Thanks LSAT. Thanks.

I've had four relationships in the past year. Yup. Four. They've ranged from FWB to a BF-like relationship with EE. Of those four, two of those guys really had an impact on me. They would be FWB and AG. I really liked both of them...a lot. I really liked who I was when I was around them, because I found I could be myself completely. But, despite the fact that I liked them and they liked me, the "us" wasn't right. With FWB it was mainly an issue of geography, long distance, and the commitment. With AG, the issue was really that he's not emotionally stable enough to commit to me the way I need him to. Wrong place. Wrong time.

There are some things we cannot control in life and no where is this more evident than in relationships. Even if things are perfect, even if you have love, things like history, geography, and timing can render the relationship unhealthy. And, I'm not maintaining that I had love with either of these two. Because LBH, that's not a term I throw around or use lightly. But, if as EP said, love sometimes isn't enough, then surely mutual like is also not enough.

There's another common theme between these two relationships as well. I've managed to keep both of these guys in my life as friends. True, AG and I have only been attempting that for a week, but FWB and I have done that successfully for a long time. So, I didn't get a BF out of either of them. So the end result was friendship. Was I looking for friendship with either of them? Nope. But, that's what I found. Again, there are worse things in the world.

So, how did I accomplish this? Well, I think it was because I was honest with them and with myself. In each case, the offer of "us" didn't meet the definition of relationship that I require. Surmising that I couldn't get what I wanted, I stepped back, I turned on my heel, and I walked away. But, not without turning around and saying over my shoulder, I still want you in my life, because I value you as a person. Sure, there were tears in my voice each time I said it. Sure, I hated myself for not being able to accept their offers. But, it was the right decision. And, because I didn't settle for less than I want or deserve, I didn't end up hating them or resenting them. And because they were honest about what they could offer and because I had real connections with them, friendship was achieved. Again, not a horrible result.

So, EP (who thankfully does NOT read this blog because LBH, some of these postings would horrify her), you were right. Again. And, the Beatles, well sadly they were incorrect.

The Body Isn't Even Cold Yet

2006-11-19T17:24:00.000-05:00

Rigor hasn't even set in. And, Objection has a date scheduled for this week.

Things that are inappropriate to say in mixed company (or at all).

2006-11-19T14:18:00.000-05:00

Friend of RD: “Is RD bossy around you, too”
RD’s love interest (LI) at the time: “Only in the bedroom.”

RD to friend: “It’s hot, do you have an extra rubber band so I can put my hair back?”
LI to friend: “Yeah, her hair always gets in the way when she’s doing important things.”

At a nice restaurant, seated at a table with close friends and family members:
RD to LI: “I’m full, do you want the rest of my dessert?”
LI: “Sure. I ate the rest of your dinner. I’m eating the rest of your dessert. What am I going to eat next?”

Objection to LI: I can't be your friend with benefits.
LI: Can you be my benefits without friend.

Flirting 101.

2006-11-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

Obeying orders from LC—and let’s not forget that it was Objection’s birthday—I hit the town last night with Objection and our Very Good Friend (VGF). Hard. And I’m happy to say it was a very successful night.

Those of you who actually know the girl known as Reluctant Dater know that I’m not much of a flirt. Especially with strangers (Stranger! Danger!). But, based on my recent melancholy stemming from low self-esteem and insecurity (thanks a lot, RCB), and after a lunchtime joint therapy session with LC and Objection, it was ascertained (ie mandated) that I needed to boost my self confidence and get out there. I was given the task of initiating conversation with at least one “strange” man. Yikes.

No one was telling me to forge a new relationship or forget about the one I have. I was just tasked with getting out there and being the nice, fun, sassy, friendly girl that I am. So, armed with a commitment to have fun and with the fear of disobeying LC, Objection and I arrived early at our dinner venue and headed straight for the bar.

Objection asked for a wine menu, I for a drink menu. She was handed a tome detailing the restaurants vino selections. Placed in front of me was a nicely chilled martini glass and a shaker. “Try this,” the kind of cute bartender said. And so it began.

Strange man putting a drink in front of me. What’s a girl to do but drink it? Delicious. Soon, bartender Joe and I were chatting away. I told him it was Objection’s birthday and immediately pulled the “guess how old she is” question out of my bag of tricks. He guessed 24! Score for Objection!

We continued to gab and imbibe until VGF arrived. She, too, ordered a glass of wine. We soon became those girls, you know, the ones who have an 8:00 reservation but don’t sit down until quarter to nine. I decided (as I am the bossy one) that we should go to our table. I asked Joe for the tab and he said, “It’s on me, enjoy your dinner.”

Sweet.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, Objection is a master flirter. I could take some lessons. In fact, we all could. I told her that it was all her doing that we got the drinks comped—the eye batting, the birthday, the whole nine yards. I refused to believe her when she said all the attention had been on me and that she had nothing to do with it; that, in fact, she had been so not playing her A game that it wasn’t even funny. Damn. I'd hate to see that A game.

We proceeded to have a Top Five meal. After dinner we headed back to our place at the bar. Bartender Joe was happy to see us. We talked and joked and drank until last call. A good ten [top shelf] drinks later, we were the last ones to leave the restaurant. With no bar tab of which to speak.

Clearly not evidenced by my [progressive hangover affected] rambling, I learned some lessons last night. I learned that I am not as bad as flirting and talking to strangers as I thought. I learned that there are many ways to flirt; my MO is “passive aggressive flirting,” as artfully coined by Objection. I learned, too, that I can have fun wherever I am, whenever I want, if in the company of people whose attention I appreciate but do not have to covet. And that it’s okay to talk to strangers and be coy and mysterious while simultaneously being cute and sassy. Boys dig it.

But, most importantly, I learned that when you have tasteful cleavage, you need no other accessories.

The Third Decade Begins

2006-11-18T11:34:00.000-05:00

Roundtrip Metro ticket -- $2.70

Dinner at an excellent restaurant (rated a 23) -- ? (a gift from amazing friends)

Cab ride home from Metro station (hey it was cold!) -- $5.00

Asking the bartender how old you look, only to have him respond 24 -- Priceless

Apathy.

2006-11-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

Well, bloggers, I have been absent from the blogging world for a while - absent from blogging about my dating life, because, well, right now there isn’t one to blog about. But maybe that is for the best. For time alone is the time when one is able to think, to read, build esteem, and figure out what one wants from life in general and relationships, right?...

It's been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.

I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately. Every guy I’ve encountered as of late it seems who I am interested in at first, but ends up not worth dating, has been apathetic. Apathetic about not just me, but seemingly about life - definitely not a good mix for a relationship. This happened with ETB, my FWB who seemed for a while to want more, a couple of weeks ago. He converted our virtually dating relationship to occasional text message sending to keep things cordial (we work together) but no making of future plans. I’m pretty sure it means he’s not that into me. It happened with CDWP (cute doctor with potential), who asked me if I wanted to get together yesterday morning, then called and said I could come bring him take-out, and watch a movie at his house, which is a half an hour away, but that he wasn’t willing to leave his living room. He didn’t have a long day at work, or an ailing mother at home he attends to, he just didn’t feel like leaving his house, even if I drove a half an hour to pick him up. I backed out, saying I just felt like staying in after all.

What is this? Have women (including myself) lowered their standards so much that guys no longer feel a need to make an effort, because they can just turn around and call another fwb, who is willing to show up on their doorstep, no strings attached? Is this God’s revenge for me having one fling in attempt to get over my last relationship (Catholic guilt speaking)? Seriously, what’s with the apathy? My therapist would probably say it’s because I have a need to save (like patients?) depressed guys with emotional baggage who aren’t really emotionally available, and that my sometimes less than superb self-esteem makes me think at the time that these guys are reasonable choices. Has anyone else noticed a theme of apathy out there in the dating world?

A New Decade for Objection

2006-11-17T07:29:00.000-05:00

Objection here, in the last hour and a half of my twenties. One of the many "benefits" of aging for me has been my inability to sleep in sans the assistance of Simply Sleep. Thus, despite the fact that I decided to take today off, I'm awake and blogging at 7:30 a.m. But, I digress.

I can't help but think back over the past ten years. For purposes of this blog, I'll consider my twenties to be the beginning of my adult dating life. Ten years ago today, I was completely infatuated with college friend without benefits. Despite an intense emotional connection and despite the fact that everyone thought we were sleeping together, our relationship remained plutonic. I rung in 21 with "he who shall not be named" (hereinafter "The X"). On my 22nd, I learned the value of retail therapy after The X broke up with me eleven days before my birthday. I think he was trying to avoid giving me a present. 23 - 27 were spent with The X. Yes, that's right. We got back together, as in ivory Italian satin dress back together. Birthdays were always a huge ordeal in an attempt to make up for the disaster of 22. 28 I was solo, really and truly solo for the first time in years.

But the 28 and eleven months to 30 year has been pretty eventful. Yes, we saw the introduction of FWB in October of last year. This continued well into February '06, with continued flirtation and temptation as recently as this summer. Now, I think we're just friends, but that only works as long as we are separated by geography. Mid-February saw the introduction of "The WB" (that's Work Buddy). This short "relationship" came to an abrupt conclusion the week of St. Patrick's Day. In its aftermath, I was left (and continue to be left) with no ability to interact with this "gentleman" (enter sarcasm) with comfort. A few weeks ago, we rode the elevator together, just the two of us, and didn't say a single word. Comfortable. From the end of March until the beginning of September, we saw the poorly defined, sometimes fun, but in retrospect clinical relationship with EE. Obviously, I wasn't that attached as I quickly replaced him with the lovely, but (very sadly) emotionally unavailable AG, with whom I think I have established a post "relationship" friendship.

So, my friends, it's been a busy 10 years. Entering into this new decade is a little scary. But, I enter it with a wealth of experience. I enter it with so many wonderful memories. I enter it with some not so wonderful memories as well. Yet, I (perhaps surprisingly) have no regrets. If I can say the same 10 years from now, I will be a very lucky gal. That's all from this blogger. One hour and twenty six minutes of my 20s remaining. I should go do something crazy. Eh, maybe I'll go watch last night's episode of The Office.

The annoying girl.

2006-11-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

That's what I'm going to be right now. I've given you fair warning.

So, RCB is gone for four days (and five nights) visiting his family. He left yesterday. Prior to his departure, we had spent four days (and three nights) together; we went to a party, spent Sunday putzing around, went to the movies, and generally just enjoyed each others' company.

When we said goodbye yesterday, after a too leisurely for a workday lunch at home, he gave me a kiss and told me to "have a good week." Immediately, I was thrust into Objection's dilemma of last week. A good week? You practically live at my house and you're implying you're not going to talk to me until you get back? He also said, when I said (eek, that girl) "I won't see you for a long time" that "I'll see you next week." I know we will see each other, as he left a suit and all its accessories in my closet. But, I digress.

He also said he'd call me from the road. Bored at work and awaiting Happy Hour yesterday afternoon, I called him. He didn't answer. Despite the five hour drive I knew he had, with lots of time to do so, he never called me back.

So, I texted him this morning, saying I hoped he'd had a good drive and could get out on the golf course today. He responded with something to the effect of the weather being bad yesterday but better today. And ended with "have a good day."

Blow off? Is he telling me to stop bothering him, that he'll talk to me when he's ready? Surely I cannot call him or text him again, as I'm obviously cramping his family style (he is weird around/about them, this I know). Am I over-reacting? Do I need to grow up about 10 years and just go with the flow?

Blessing or a Curse

2006-11-14T19:38:00.000-05:00

Much like the characters of the NBC drama Heroes, I have a special talent. Yes, my friends, it's true. I realized yesterday that I can spot a wedding ring from unbelievable distances. This is pretty impressive. My eyesight isn't what it once was. After years and years and years of school, I find myself constantly clad in (uber cute) German-intellectual-style glasses. Yet, for some reason I am able to spot the big stop sign on the left hand with amazing accuracy. My day to day routine at work requires that I walk between two buildings several times per day. Yesterday, I caught myself checking out the hand of every man I passed. Okay. Not every man. But, every man between the ages of 26 and 45. It didn't hurt that most of them were wearing nice suits. So, am I alone in this talent? Is this a trait that we acquire with age? (BTW, I'm turning the big 20-10 this week)? And, most importantly, do men do this as well. Somehow, I think not. But, I shall defer to our male readers for an answer.

back and ready for

2006-11-13T19:53:00.000-05:00

nothing. which is crazily true. the last month or two i have battled with the fact that while i meet men consistently and go out on (what I consider) plenty of dates...nothing stirs any excitement within me. sometimes i'm even annoyed with the fact i have a date. the thought of getting "pretty" and making small talk or even feigning concern over their lives seems like too much effort. i remember the days of moving heaven and earth to open my schedule in the hopes that just maybe a boy would call...i miss those days.

so three theories have been flying through my head:

1. i haven't met anyone who makes me feel giddy or takes over my thoughts.
2. i have met people who would/should make me feel something but i'm so jaded and damaged i refuse to allow myself to feel anything.
3. i have so much going on with myself, and feel completely unsettled and at times out of control with the path my life is taking that i have no urge or inclination to be bothered caring for anyone in a romantic sense or complicating my life with that drivel.

To have and have not.

2006-11-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

DTR has been a big topic of conversation lately, both in the real world and in the blogosphere (namely here). We all know that Objection had the DTR this week and what the results of that were. My Work Friend (WF) also bit the bullet and had a DTR this weekend, too, with a guy she'd been dating (yikes, the dreaded past tense) for two years. That relationship, too, met the same fate as Objection's. So, now, I am thinking that the DTR does not need to happen in my relationship just yet.

After speaking to two other friends (wow, I can't make decisions on my own), I realized that I should enjoy what's going on, that dreading the conversation and bringing up the conversation were going to put a damper on my time with RCB. I think Richmond Friend (RF) said it best:

"i am a believer in actions speaking louder than words. (that's my caveat). thus, i think that it's less important for him to tell you he is your bf than it is for him to ACT like he is, which is how he is acting. my aunt subscribes to the theory that there are 5 love languages (we may have discussed this before):
1. touch
2. gifts
3. acts of service
4. quality time
5. words of affirmation"

As far as RD/RCB part II, I'm getting all of the above. We spent the entire weekend together, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I left him at home, again, this morning (for hours this time) when I went to work. He was very affectionate in front of many of my oldest friends and family members this weekend. He brings me little gifts every now and then. He also spends time helping me to do things. And, when intoxicated (ha, red flag, I know) he said some pretty amazing things the other night. So, we're speaking in all of the love languages (but I'll take a big fat pause before I actually use that word).

So, if I'm seemingly communicating in these ways and if his actions are speaking for himself (and considering the young age of this relationship), I'm beginning to think the DTR can wait a little longer...

Donezo

2006-11-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

Well, it's over. And, I think it's for the best. This gal just can't share. This gal never wants to be a decision among many -- she wants to be the one. I think there's a chance AG and I may maintain a friendship of sorts. And, who knows...in the words of Ben Harper "further along, we just may." But, timing is everything. The chance that we'll be at the same place at the same time in the future, LBH, is slim to none. So I start the week as 100% single, again. I'm a little sad. I'm a little disappointed. I'm pretty frustrated. But, at the end of the day, I stood up for me. I didn't go along with a crazy scheme that would have only resulted in lots of anxiety and concerns. In the words of Kelly Taylor, "I chose me." This is a pretty big step, and I'm proud of myself. Back to the drawing board ladies. And, can I just address the fact that I just quoted Ben Harper and Kelly Taylor in a single blog entry. Wow. I am a Renaissance woman.

Survey Says?

2006-11-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

Welcome to our new interactive blog. That's right. Now, much like the "Pick a Path" books of childhood days past, the readers can actually decide the fate of the bloggers on this site. Yup. First up, Objection.

Let's set the scene, shall we? On Friday/Saturday of this week, Objection had an 18 hour date with AG. Things were excellent. Really excellent.

On Saturday afternoon, just as Objection thought the date was going to wrap up, AG decides to start up the DTR conversation. Now, this isn't unreasonable. Afterall, it's date 7 (not that anyone is counting of course).

Here's the tricky part though. Bottom line, AG and Objection like each other a lot. AG, however, isn't ready to commit. He likes things status quo. Objection is fine with status quo (for now). With a demanding job etc, the one date per night talk every day thing is working. So, status quo doesn't bother her, as long as it doesn't become permanent.

The concerning part of the conversation was when AG stated he wasn't ready to put the blinders on. And while he maintains firmly that he can't be in a relationship with multiple people at once, he also said that were he to meet a young lady that he was interested in, he didn't want to feel like he couldn't take her out on a date. He also stressed that he would not hook up with multiple people at once. And, in the interest of full disclosure, apparently back during the first few dates, he was also going out with a few other girls. However, when things stepped up with Objection, he backed off those interactions.

So, what to do?

BFF feels this is grounds for dismissal. BFF is always right about such things. If Objection listened to BFF, Objection would cry much less frequently.

RD hasn't really had a chance to weigh in fully. Once she does, we'll update.

Emily Post (aka Mom)advises as follows. She maintains that Objection should not close off the "relationship" with AG yet because there does seem to be a very good connection. She believes Objection should give it a little while and at the same time encourages Objection to also date around a bit. Of course, Objection is not good at this -- has never done this successfully in the past. Also too, Objection knows only too well that she's going to wonder constantly who else is occupying AG's time. Emily Post also encouraged the contacting of FWB (who she for some reason hearts despite having never met him). But, I digress.

Objection is completely unable to act/think on her own. She is tired of dating. She is tired of heart break. She is tired of analyzing, making mistakes, and the rollar coaster in general. So, she's decided to ask the readers their opinions. How should she proceed? You be the judge.

Hiatus

2006-11-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

In between

a. planning Thanksgiving at MY HOUSE this weekend
b. planning and attending (yay!) a friend's 30th birthday party this weekend
and..
c. the charge plug thingie breaking off in my laptop and the mac store being out of replacements and one will have to be ordered onling

...my blogging...and lbh my dating life...are on standstill...

i'll be back next week sometime.

The dreaded DTR.

2006-11-08T12:14:00.000-05:00

As a graduated English major, I have always been one to read into things--I learned by and from the best of them to analyze every thought and word on the thousands of pages of words in front of me. Unfortunately, my education has brought to me more harm than good. I am now--and am afraid I will forever be--the persistent analyst. Often, the things I am analyzing need not be subjected to such intense thought.

I think about every word. I think about every action. I always wonder about greater meaning, underlying significance. It's no wonder, then, that I would like to know, in words, the status of my relationship with RCB. It is causing me great anxiety not to know. Fear is not always a great motivator; in this case, I think it's causing me to be stagnant.

Everything is going very well, I'd say. Despite the easygoing nature of the relationship and the comfort level we have [too quickly??] attained, I am still uncertain about where we stand. I know he won't bring it up. Status quo is probably a-ok with him. But it's not with me.

I know I need to know because I'm beginning to do crazy girl things. Aside from the bouts of insecurity (does he really like me? or does he just like having someone to hook up with and eat dinner with?), I am beginning to do things like associate physical affection with his level of overall affection toward me; in other words, if our routine strays in even the most miniscule way from that to which I have become accustomed, my inner monologue immediately goes asunder and I begin to think something is awry. When, in reality, maybe he is just tired as he says he is. I am beginning to think that if I know we are exclusive and there isn't the even remote possibility of anyone on the sidelines (I've been watching a lot of football lately) then maybe my anxiety will be assuaged. Ha, we can always hope for such things, right?

So, I'm wondering: when is it appropriate to have the conversation that defines the relationship? Is this something that should occur naturally or must it be forced? What does one who initiates such a conversation say to the other person? Wants? Needs? Desires? Do men prefer just to let things evolve naturally or do they want to talk about these things? Will it scare him away if it happens too early? Does it need to happen at all?

A matter of trust.

2006-11-06T14:21:00.000-05:00

Relationships that start out in the red as far as trust is concerned are hard. Really hard. Especially when the person who is untrusting has a vivid imagination. Very vivid.

Now, looking back, Mr. RCB didn’t ever really do anything for me to not trust him. RCB/RD Round 1, as I like to call it, was nothing more than a few random hookups and a few months of lunches. He was never my boyfriend, we were never dating (though this is not to say I didn’t want that to happen). Certain things were eventually brought to my attention that caused the bell to ring on Round 1 (notwithstanding the fact that he pretty much disappeared off the face of the Earth). Because of the nature of our hanging out, it was relatively easy to get over the situation and move on.

Round 2 has been a completely different story. Despite the opinions of some that people are not capable of changing, I will contend that, three years later, he is a different person. We are at a relationship point where, honestly, I can’t say I’ve ever been before. And I like it. However, it is very hard for me to give myself fully to this fight, to punch and kick with all my might to make this work. I am trying very hard to trust and be open and to be trustworthy, myself. I have my good days but I definitely have my bad ones.

Last week, RCB told me something that proved to me that he does, in fact, trust me. A lot. And I did all that I could to take that information for what it was, to revel in the fact he was able to tell it to me, and to enjoy that. But there was still that little part of me that can’t let go.

So today I tried to reciprocate, to let him know that I, too, was ready to be trusting. As a responsible individual, I decided that I had to be at work on time today. He had a late meeting. When the alarm went off, I told him to go back to sleep…I also let him know that he could sleep in as late as he wanted. I was leaving him in my house, alone. Now, I know men are not like women. He probably did not get up as soon as I left to rifle through my drawers looking for stuff.

(He wouldn’t have found anything of interest, anyway, as I am a forward thinker and anything that could be construed as suspicious was skillfully put away.)

My question is this: am I just going to have to take a blind leap of faith into this and not suspect the worst all the time? He has given me no reason not to trust him. At all. Do I just enjoy the anxiety? Is trusting someone something that comes with time? Does this bode poorly for Round 2?

I would like to hope that this is all normal, that soon I will wonder why I ever felt anxious or insecure. That I will be able to 100% trust him, that I won’t even have to think about it.

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

2006-11-03T07:53:00.000-05:00

I find it interesting that after I break up with someone, or after they break up with me (their loss), I am suddenly able to identify many odd personality quarks that I somehow manage to overlook during the relationship. In the aftermath of EE, there's been no shortage of such discoveries. Recently, however, I recalled something about EE that I find to be so odd, that I felt it worthy of a blog entry.

No, I'm not going to blog yet again about his refusal to allow me to look in the refrigerator. This goes back a little further in our relationship. For those of you not familiar with Match, when creating your profile one aspect of personal information which is revealed is your zodiac sign. But, there's the option, if you so desire, to not display your sign in your profile. So, yup, you guessed it. EE opted to not display his sign.

Now, I've given a lot of thought to why someone would decide to do this. And, I'm a bit stumped. I mean, what was he trying to do? Perhaps he thought he could preclude me from trying to figure out whether our signs were compatible? Maybe he didn't want me reading up on his horoscope in Cosmo? I haven't a clue. The annoying thing about this was that because I didn't know his sign, I had no clue as to the time of year of his birthday. Now, okay. Yes, I could have just asked him when his birthday was. But, for some reason, I didn't for months. But, I digress. My real question to you, dear readers is as follows: What possible reason would someone have for not displaying their sign?

My name is Reluctant Dater.

2006-11-02T19:00:00.000-05:00

In talking to a friend of mine today about possible blog topics, she mentioned something that piqued my interest. What if I wrote about what would happen if someone (ie me) put together a list, a la My Name is Earl about all their (ha, my) wrongdoings? Not life wrongdoings (because, lbh, RD is an angel who never does a wrong thing—an asset to humanity, for sure), necessarily, but, rather, relationship wrongdoings.

What have I done to cause the end and/or stagnation and/or failure to launch of my relationships past. Sadly, a lot.

Wrongdoing #1: the demise of many relationships (and something I find to be lurking on the horizon with my most recent) has been an inherent need to overanalyze. Every sentence, every word, every action. Every unspoken word, every unfulfilled request, every unrealized demand. Every kiss, every fight, every glance across the room. Perhaps face value is sometimes all there is to a situation.

Wrongdoing #2: I have a hard time trusting, whether the person with whom I am engaging in a relationship has “wronged” me or not. Where this distrust comes from, I do not know. Looking back, I lived a charmed—albeit sheltered—life. Honesty was always the best policy. If you lied, you got caught, plain and simple. Perhaps I fear the repercussions of dishonesty and distrust more so than I fear the actions and words leading up to them.

Wrongdoing #3: taking what other people say and think about my relationship and those involved (ie me and the boy) too much to heart. As LC keeps telling me, “It doesn’t matter what other people think. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” She is right. Lately, based on RCB Part I, I have felt the need to keep certain pieces of information from friends, thinking that what I tell them will sully their view of RCB and our Part II. But, you all know me and my inability to keep anything to myself. So it all gets put out there, for the world to know. Perhaps I should just live my life as it comes along, doing and saying and feeling what I want without wondering what Objection or my mother or my cousin Susie or the kid next door will think.

Wrongdoing #4: not realizing what I’ve got til it’s gone. Cliché, yes. But true. Who knows how many relationships I’ve passed up because, at the time, I was either scared or wrongfully uninterested? There are probably hundreds (okay, not that many, but accept the hyperbole and move on) of men out there who tried to get my attention at one point or another and who I, in a state of confusion and/or stupidity and/or fear shooed away. Perhaps this RD could have been married with children by now if she had thrown caution to the wind and relaxed.

Wrongdoing #4.5: focusing on the wrong guys. Perhaps, in many case, this was probably the impetus for the behavior in wrongdoing #4.

Wrongdoing #5: being afraid of the real thing. The attraction to friends, to unavailable men, to those who are unable to commit—it all comes down to the fact that I know I can’t have them, so there’s nothing to lose. Perhaps being afraid of the real thing is compounded by a fear of being hurt, which ultimately comes from insecurity.

This is not to say that I am holding myself fully responsible for every failed (or unitiated)relationship of my past. Luckily (and quite possibly as a defense mechanism), I am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason and every experience, whether good or bad, leads to the next.

And the next from the last (in other words, my present) ain’t so bad.

Enjoy the Rest of Your Week

2006-11-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

The phrase is innocuous enough. So, why am I pondering its meaning? Well, in part because I'm a girl and in part because I'm crazy. But, I digress. Allow me to provide some context.

AG and I have another date scheduled in the very near future. He is currently on business travel in New England. When out of town, he's quite good at keeping in touch via e-mail. This is of course a pleasant change from EE who never e-mailed when out of town (or even when at home) and who did not own a cell phone, but I digress again. Early this week, I received an e-mail from AG. He seemed excited about our upcoming date etc. Yes, all seemed well. And then, I read the second to last line of the e-mail "Enjoy the rest of your week." Um, it's the beginning of the week. Does this mean you'll be out of contact for the remainder of the week? And, if so, does this make our pending date a mercy date...one made back when you still liked me (last week) and which you feel obligated to keep, but you've decided you're "just not that into me." (Thanks Greg).

So, ever the seeker of advice I poled a few friends. RD maintains I should not worry. AG is very busy and thus is to be given BODS. Having read the full text of the e-mail, she found no cause for concern. Work friend concurred, though she had a different outlook. She maintained the phrase was just a creative way of signing off and again said I had nothing to worry about. So why am I worried?

Because nothing is more fascinating than my life, I turn to you dear readers. What do we think about this? Am I over-reacting? If I don't hear from AG until the end of the week as our date nears, should I be concerned? Is he entitled to BODS (that's benefit of the doubt status for those of you who may be new readers)?

Are we looking at a mercy date situation here? I await your input with bated breath.

the good ones never call.

2006-11-01T10:19:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure this is true but this phrase is often batted about my group of single girls. i think it's more the ones we hoped were good ones never call.

you all know this scenario. you are out and about. you meet a man. he's charming. he acts interested. he insists on buying your drinks. he asks for your number. maybe even throws out ideas of potential dates. you get home and smile to yourself because he will be calling you.

then he never calls.

(and then of course the ones that you don't like and feel trapped into giving them your number OR a friend gives them your number ALWAYS call)

this, my friends, is a summary of my saturday evening. he was great. i even had a guy friend of mine comment on how the guy was working and "you never see guys put effort like that into it anymore."

*sigh*

i don't get it.

Flash from the past.

2006-10-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

After 3 weeks of hanging out with FWB, I received a random phone call this weekend from FBO (flyboy original) who I dated for only two months almost two years ago. We sort of unspokenly cut things off when he moved to another area of the country, and I missed him for a while, probably about as much as one can after knowing someone for two months. He was flying out to where I am also on travel for work, and wanted to meet up. We caught up, over dessert and drinks. He was cuter, and more mature than I remembered him. Most interesting thing in common was that we are both recently out of year-long relationships with significant others who were divorced after decade long marriages with two kids. Turned out we are in basically the same place as far as where we are in our dating careers... if only the geographic situation were different. He was genuinely respectful more than anything, and this struck me – not just outwardly, but he was really interested - in me. Why does this seem strange or unusual? My own personal example of what Objection was talking about, i.e. not knowing what you need or deserve until you have it, or have a taste of it. Often I think that the military sucks as far as stationing you as far away as possible from the ones who inevitably get away. Does the distance make him seem better than he really is? Probably, alas, it's likely that I’ll never know.

Good on Paper, Sucks at Life

2006-10-29T08:22:00.000-05:00

About two years ago, I ended a [very] longterm relationship. Okay, so maybe I didn't end it so much as it was ended for me, but whatever. Revisionist history. Anyway, at the conclusion of that relationship, I made the comment that I'd fallen once for love, and the next time around, I was falling for money. After all, the love thing hadn't worked out so well. It just ended up with me getting really hurt.

Fast forward to March-April 2006. I start online dating and meet EE. Now, let me permit the readers to enter my [crazy] mind a bit. You know how girls always play the game of how does his last name sound when combined with my first name? (come on ... we ALL do this). Well, in my new single phase, I started playing a different game. It's called, how will the wedding announcement sound. You see, I'm from the deep south, where the wedding annoucement is key. So, I asked myself, were I to marry EE [for example] how would it sound. The answer? Great. EE went to excellent schools, has an extremely successful and impressive career. Yup, the Junior Leaguers would approve. And, as I continued to be tempted by FWB, I would remind myself that EE was financially successful and that such success certainly translated to stability. It didn't matter that he wouldn't hold my hand in public. It didn't matter that he could not discuss the concept of "us". It didn't matter that the bed games had an almost clinical feel 80% of the time or that I wasn't permitted to look in the refrigerator. Good on paper, literally and figuratively.

Interestingly, we don't always notice what's missing in a relationship, or how important those missing components might be, until we find a subsequent partner who gives us what we need. RD and I discussed this very concept at length yesterday. She too found that part of her attraction to Him was the financial stability. Again, He was good on paper, but he sucked at life.

Enter AG. AG and I have continued to interact and things are going well. This explains my absence from the blog. All those things that were missing with EE, seem to be present in AG. And, because I needed those things and missed them so much in the context of EE, I am tremendously grateful to find them present in AG. Yup. I could be in real trouble here. You know it's trouble when suddenly the three carat Harry Winston doesn't matter any more.

There's that old expression, "you can marry a rich man just as easily as a poor one." Okay, sure you can. But not if that rich man doesn't hold your hand in public. Not if that rich man doesn't let you see the inside of his refrigerator. Not if that rich man is really as cold as the unseen contents of the inside of that same refrigerator. Nope. Not me. Not this girl. I'm on a quest for something more. Wanted: Good on Paper, Great at Life.

My own personal Dr. Ruth(s).

2006-10-28T16:03:00.000-05:00

When it comes to discussing s-e-x and intimate issues, this usually talkative and over sharing RD becomes nearly silent. This may stem from being a late bloomer and having to cower as friends suggested a game of "I never," or, even more early on, from being afraid (for some still undiscovered reason) to reveal the name of my crush[es] under the maple tree on the elementary school playground. Just never been comfortable doing it. Ha, guess that has more meaning than I meant it to have.

Thankfully, I have three great go-to gals, all of whom you all (by this point) may know just as well as I do. Each one brings to the situation a different view; I can speak to each about different things. Once I combine all the insight, I have a good, solid take on the situation. This is not to say that I do not call in others from time to time to hash out goings on.

Let's start with Dr. Strangelove. She has known me since I was in that precarious shell, when I would do all it took to avoid contact of any sort with members of the opposite sex. She watched as I went from a very awkward college freshman to the dater I am today. As a medical professional, she gives all the "practical" advice. Thoughts and feelings (psychological and physical) can be discussed, at no cost, at any time. More often than not, I leave conversations with her feeling less like the awkward college freshman I often internally purport myself to be and feeling more like a normal, almost 30 year old woman out in the dating world.

Next comes Romance Junkie. With her, it's no holds barred, tell every last detail. She is one of the only people with whom I can be compeltely honest about all that happened (and, in some cases, didn't). She is a bastion of knowledge on a wide variety of topics and is free with advice, suggestions, encouragement and sometimes even admonishment. She is also a fan of responsibility.

Finally, we have Objection. Poor Objection was first introduced to my dating scenarios in the midst of Him. She must have thought I was relationship illiterate or something. She helped me through that and has been a constant source of encouragement with situations since. She, too, is open and honest. A self-proclaimed expert on several relationship relevant topics, Objection is always ready to listen to the problem and give a practical and honest solution.

Who needs Cosmo advice columns or Dr. Sue Johanson when you've got experts like this in your very midst already?

Sexy, slutty or just plain sassy

2006-10-28T09:47:00.001-05:00

Halloween is here...and this year I have put off the whole costume thing until today. I have also found out that any of the assortment of "plans" i may choose to participate in this evening all require costumes. Not because no one will be at the locations not in costume...but for the fact my friends i will attend with all have great costumes. sometimes friends can be the bane of my existence.

So I'm sitting here with my costume box...which has dwindled over the years and mainly consists of colorful feather boas and funny hats thinking I have to actually go buy something.

So now comes the decision...do I go sexy, slutty or just plain sassy?

I'm leaning toward slutty.

In over my head.

2006-10-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

Prideless update on my barely a love life: as is obvi from my most recent posts, my “relationship” with etb is ongoing. What started out as what I thought would be my first-ever one night stand has progressed into dinner, drinks, and sex, once or twice a week, accompanied by daily conversations and texting throughout the day. He has taken the initiative to call in advance to make dinner plans once or twice a week, and for the first time on Wednesday, actually blew off guy buddies to see me alone. Great conversation. Long talk over beers after we were done with sushi. He refused to let me pay. Extremely comfortable, like I never have been after knowing someone for only this long. What gives? Is this still fwb? I’m well aware that I’m probably incapable of actually having the true fwb “relationship” no matter how hard I try, because, let’s face it, I just care, and I can’t and don’t want to help it.

Now, before you begin to think (as I admittedly have done more than once over the past few weeks) that surely there is something more there, that maybe this will be in the 0.5% of fwb relationships that turn into something real, let me inform you that I am not etb’s only fwb. There is another girl who in fact works in our same circles, thus complicating things. When he is with me, though, on his own accord, etb goes on and on about how not into other fwb he is, how she has too much baggage, and he cannot ever foresee having anything more than what they currently have with her. He mentions that while he was hurt by a failed marriage, he wants to marry again someday, but is afraid of real commitment now (what boys say these things?). No mention, whatsoever though, of ending things with her or taking things with me further. Does he really want to be with someone who doesn’t care (i.e. her) about him? I am by no means ready to bring this up in conversation, but know that I have to eventually.

As RD eloquently and accurately stated - I do not want to be a decision he makes, I want to be something he knows he wants. But my dilemma is this - I know that if he really is only capable of fwb, he will likely cut things off or scale way back if he knows how I really feel, and because I feel, I am not sure I am ready to lose him yet. In fwb relationships, is it possible to fake it till you make it?

i'm making spaghetti if you want to come eat

2006-10-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

the romance in my life has reached spectacular proportions. if i continue to be wooed and courted so extravagantly i will probably perish from the joy of it.

what-ev.

this is how i was last asked out. i didn't go of course. because did i fail to mention...this was via text messaging.

TEXT MESSAGING. i must say i am NOT a fan. is it acceptable to others? i mean he falls about 4 years younger. he probably had a cell phone at 13...

but still one would think that asking a woman out for a 3rd date would at least rate a call. and the text quoted above in the title...puh-leese.

i would love to know others views on this text messaging dating thing. i'm not down with it. but should i be? should i lower standards a bit?

though i hardly think a phone call is too much to ask for...

"If you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness."

2006-10-26T18:08:00.000-05:00

Because my [fabulous] job gives me the flexibility to work from home, that is what I did today. Unfortunately, my entire night will be spent working from home, as my traditional eight hour workday was spent hanging out with RCB before his departure for the weekend. The first weekend in three weekends we wouldn't see each other.

We had a great morning...he worked while I feigned work (lbh, I was discretely watching him work, much more productive and amusing). We chatted off and on. Then we went to lunch. We came home and hung out a little bit before we had to leave for the airport.

When we got there, he said he'd see me in a few days and I promised I wouldn't run away before he came back, insuring him a ride home. Late Sunday night.

On the way home (and several text messages later), I realized that I had seen him more in the past three weeks and done more with him (heads out of the gutter) than I did in the entire seven plus months I knew (it has been downgraded to knowing) Him. That really struck me. During that time, I thought I was so happy. Alas, I was far from it. He who is good on paper is not necessarily good in person (Objection, please concur). He who is good in person, who is a good person, is the one who wins in the end.

So, friends, for the first time in a long time, I am legitimately calm. I have no heart palpitations, nor upset stomach. I'm eating. I know that if he says he'll call, he'll call. This is not to say that I won't have an hour or two when I will have a mini freak out, but those have been few and far between as of late.