Am I just naive?
One of my coworkers and male friends just informed me that he was changing his entire approach to women. Previously this was a guy who, while we had no chemistry together, I would have quickly recommended to a female friend. He now is "no longer looking to meet women for marriage". What the heck does that mean? Do guys really go into 'casual dating (i.e. sex) only' mode? I know many people do this some of the time, but isn't it strange to block out the possibility of meeting someone with whom you might form a lasting connection? I like to think that everyone, even if it's really deep down, secretly wants to meet 'the one'. Are these guys telling the women they're dating of their expectations (or lack of)? I bet not. To me this is further evidence why we women need to maintain our (hopefully high but reasonable) standards at all costs. Thoughts?
posted by dr. strangelove @ Tuesday, October 03, 2006
10 Comments:
i think men probably do this often...i know women who do...it's almost an "i give up am tired of being hurt gesture so i will just think of what someone can do for me not be to me" type scenario.
i had a conversation about "hot" men yesterday and basically stated that you "do" hot men...you don't marry them.
i guess other things have become more important now that i am dating-with-purpose...
I think romance junkie is onto something. He's obviously dispirited and rather than appear pathetic and hopeless at his failed relationships, he is redefining "successfull" relationships as sexual conquests so that he is no longer a failure in the dating world. This is sorta like when George Allen calls non-whites [monkees] and then claims that he had no idea that Macaca had racial overtones in europe (despite his mother being french). If he redifines his goal as a sexual relationship that will fall apart after a few weeks, then he's doing well according to his new parameters for success.
hmm, yes, he was recently burned, by a girl who he was only seeing for a couple of weeks, but really liked nevertheless. no other big breakups in the past year though. it probably is more about his ego than wanting to inflict suffering on women he comes into contact with though i agree.
I do see that from guys, but I don't get it. Don't get me wrong I am no romance junkie or anything ;), but it doesn't seem very practical.
Normally when I go out on a date I spend anywhere from $100-$150, its not until the 3rd or 4th date that I feel comfortable with the "hey, why don't you come over and we'll order thai and watch movies" date.
Long term dating has the benefit of evening out the average date cost :).
(gee, can I join your blog under the pseudonym "cheap un-romantic bastard" ;))
not so cheap allan...men in my town would freak out if they had to spend $100-150 on first date.
btw i will post on my date tomorrow. i have some thinking to do about it...
my first thought was that he must have been hurt recently. why else did he use to meet women for marriage and now that it no longer his reason? but that said, women really need to manage their expectations 'coz there are so many player guys around. why would they even tell you of their (sex only) expectations when they don't even tell you that they have a gf or that they're sleeping around?
amen, jo. amen.
jo, you echo my thoughts exactly. thanks for focusing on the maintenance of standards aspect of the issue!
Allow me to play devil's advocate and assume that this guy is not intending to lie, cheat, and steal his way into a number of women's pants. Perhaps he too is simply managing expectations when it comes to dating.
He probably suffers from the same dating complex as I do; Tunnel Vision. When just beginning to date someone -- I'm talking first and second date territory -- I tend to automatically shut down interest in any other women. The purpose, I think, being that one wants to soak up as much of the person as possible because you get trapped in a Date To Find Your Mate mentality. "I gotta make sure she either is or isn't The One." And this is exhausting, often disappointing, and a bit delusional.
By meeting people more "casually" you can suppress excessively high expectations and yes, maybe even have a little no-strings fun while waiting on The One. What's so bad about that?
It's one thing to go around playing women just to get laid, but there should be no shame in slowing down to have some fun. I think this guy is just frustrated, like a lot of us, rather than a burgeoning lothario.
slowing down to have some fun...
i like it!
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