I am Afraid.

It's true. This unlucky in love gal is only unlucky because she chooses to be...

I have been watching the Wedding Date a lot recently and it has creeped into my pshyche and caused me to analyze my own life...not so pretty. The dad talks about this theory that every woman's love life is exactly what she wants. UM WHAT? Do I seriously want bad dates and/or no dates for extended periods of time in which I then just pick one of my dates to be a semi-on-the-path-to-maybe-boyfriend-status (which in RJ terms gives the okay for bedsport) randomly without really paying attention to compatibility. Then act traumatized when it ends (because RJ does like to be dramatic at times) when in all actuality I knew it would never go anywhere in the first place...

OMG. I do. It has been what I want.

And I know why now. It took a bottle of wine and a few cigarettes (on the down low...i do not smoke without drink in hand) to come to terms with the reasons behind, for and how I have gone down this path...

4 years ago I fell in love. I did. I couldn't believe it and because I couldn't believe it I left, went about my business. It shortly after fell apart and because I'm RJ and tend to find someone else to heal hurts rather than internalizing the pain and getting through it...I moved on...with a very innappropriate man...one that has been mentioned earlier and had tons of red flags. But if we are honest, red flags is what I wanted, what I needed. Why spend time with someone that could actually lead to something? Then I might get hurt.

He moved on...got a new girl..has been with her since. Would guess it is serious but he refuses to talk to me about her...I learned her name after they were together 2 years from one of his friends.

So it is FOUR years later. We kind of keep in touch. I teased for the first two years that we couldn't seem to break up. I would consciously break contact only for him to call me out of the blue.

This past Christmas I sent a card. It was so childish. I signed it "Always, RJ XOXO". I figured that would end it...we aren't allowed to talk on the phone as the new girl saw my number on recent calls and got angry...i figured the card would finally END it. Cowardly. I know. I still cringe.

Months went by but in July I heard from him. He even linked me to a current picture of him. My stomach got butterflies.

UNACCEPTABLE.

He has been my one I won't let go.

I think it is time I do...

So readers...I am going out tonight with a new mindset. I am open to all men and possibilities. I am going to actually date-with-purpose for the first time in four years. No more looking for filler or playing around with what-ifs.