Does the Past Matter?
So, though I've alluded to it in at least one blog post, I don't think I've ever directly admitted that I am a divorcee. Yup. I married my college boyfriend. The marriage was short, but not sweet. It ended badly, very badly. I bring this up now, not because I'm seeking pity, but because yet again, I'm struggling with how and when to convey this information to a boy (specifically HS).
Yes, HS and I have continued dating and things are going really well. Really well. And, I'm so happy. But last night, I started to worry about whether or not he knows and whether or not it will matter if he does not.
Allow me to explain. HS and I "met" on line. The dating service of choice does list your status, and my profile shows that I'm divorced. But, it's not something that's in red flashing lights. Actually, in reviewing my profile this morning, I realized, it would be pretty easy to miss this little detail. Now, you may laugh at me and think that it's impossible for someone to miss such information. But, it's not. EE missed it. We had been dating for months before I finally decided to confirm whether or not he knew. And, he didn't. I should add that EE's profession requires that he read in extremely close detail. So, the fact that he missed it shocked me. He said it didn't matter. He said it didn't change things. But, I wasn't convinced. And, I really think that had he known it up front, he might not have initiated contact with me.
In the aftermath of my divorce, I've now dated/had "relationships" with five guys. Five. And, I've never quite figured out how to go about doing this. With FWB, I waited a long time. But, also that was a long distance thing, and it wasn't ever a relationship. And, when I did tell him, I found out he had known all along (we have friends in common). With WB, he knew before anything transpired between us. With EE, I thought he knew, and he didn't. With AG, I told him on the second date...all the details. It was wonderful to be able to be so open, but it also created a therapy-type aspect to our relationship that may not have been necessarily healthy. And now, there's HS.
So, what to do? I know that everyone will say, tell him and if he's not okay with it, he's not the right guy for you anyway. And, while I know this to be true, the thought of it still makes me sad. I have two days to think about this and to decide how I want to go about it. Any advice would be much appreciated.
posted by Objection @ Thursday, December 07, 2006
6 Comments:
Since you posted it in your on-line profile, I wouldn't worry about it at all. You were up front with it. You didn't conceal anything -- and from my point of view, being divorced shouldn't be an issue at all.
I personally wouldn't worry about it, until it comes up in normal conversation. Since you were up-front about it, I don't think you are under any obligation to ensure that he knows.
As someone who regularly uses on-line dating, there are certain criteria I always look at to screen. We could argue the merits of my criteria...but won't. Thus, if marital status is something that is a make-it or break-it issue, I'd have looked for that information to start off with. I know where the information is in the profile and make sure to look.
The other side of the story is that if it's not a make-it or break-it issue he might not have looked for it, and if I were him I wouldn't want to get caught off guard either. So, for instance, if we were out with friends and one of your friends refered to the ex, he shouldn't have to say, Oh, you were married?
Sorry, no suggestions for how to actually break the news though.
You are divorced, not an ex-con. You were upfront about it on your profile. Don't worry about it.
Objection. If you feel you should bring it up, bring it up in a positive context, say it taught you a lot about relationships, what you want, etc. Then move on to the next subject.
i'm with the folks above: (1) you posted it on your profile; you're not lying nor hiding this information ; (2) it's really not that big of a deal to most guys. i say most, because i definitely have a male friend for whom such things matter.
point is, bring it up when you want, don't AT ALL feel embarrassed about it, and contextualize the discussion (as doc strangelove says above) by either talking about what you learned or how it affected you, etc.. also set the tone for how he should think about it, because for many guys, if you make a big deal out of it, they may wonder why you did that.
Thank you all for the advice. I think I'll just bring it up when the time feels right...sooner rather than later, but not in such a way that it feels forced or unnatural. Tune in soon for an update.
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