Since I can’t talk to you…

…because all of a sudden you won’t return my phone calls (I won’t even mention text messages), I’m going to write to you here. And air your dirty laundry for the world to see.

What. The. Fuck.

How do you go from days on end together, deep conversations, road trips, terms of endearment, monologues of devotion, plans for extravagant trips in the future, to nothing? How, dear RCB, is it possible to just turn off your feelings? I’d like to give you BODS here and think that you’re just busy, that your excuses are legitimate. I’d like to think that it takes way too much energy to do and say the things you have been doing and saying for the past three months and not mean them. But my intuition is strong. And things are Not Good.

Weekends away without a single phone call? Not cool. One cancelled date, okay. Two in a row? Unacceptable. Especially since you broke it over email (with a subject line that implied you knew what my reaction would be). Especially especially since you told me, in said email, to “give [you] a call.” And, when the tears of frustration stopped (dammit, I can’t believe I cried over you) and the anger subsided, I did call you. And you Did Not Answer. You didn't answer! I left an uncharacteristic message (there is a bitch in me, bastard, whether you want to believe it or not) that pretty much implied I was only calling because you said to call. You did not return the call.

As LC would say, “Grow a pair.”

I am not jumping to conclusions. I know something is up and you better gosh darn believe we are going to talk about it. If I have to chase you down and tie you to the couch on which we spent so many hours watching television [shows, ahem, that I had no interest in watching but that I did, because I am a GoodGirlfriend], then I will. I am a Big Girl. I can handle the truth. Contrary to your philosophy of "I'd rather have a month more of happiness than be hurt," I would like to know what is happening here. But, are you man enough to tell me the truth? At this point, I am doubting it.

You are one of those boys. You know, the ones who are always looking for something better. I’m here to tell you that you will be pressed to find someone better than me. Seriously. You don’t know what you’re passing up, RCB. Once I’m gone, I’m not likely to come back for a third round. So, you better decide what your priorities are. You need to be honest. You need to realize what it is you’re doing and figure out if it’s really the path you want to be taking. Once I’ve put my feelings (i.e. annoyances, desires, needs, frustrations, apprehensions) out there, I am willing to listen to your defense. And, based on your sincerity (or lack thereof) I will make my decision. I am in control.

I can no longer be afraid of my feelings or how you will view me if I let them be known to you. Can I feel any worse than I do now (which, unfortunately, is pretty bad)? It should not be this much work, RCB, not this early.

No matter how cute or charming you are, no matter how much fun we have together, no matter the life lessons I’ve learned from you—I have to be true to me and what I want. I want to be happy. I want to be loved, unconditionally. I want to know that I am the apple of your eye, the one you want to come home to, who you can’t wait to see and talk to every day. I want to learn things from you and experience new things with you.

I need to be mature enough and brave enough to accept that if one of these new experiences is an actual, mature breakup, then so be it. If you can't give me what I need and deserve and/or at the very least promise to try, then I will have to cut the apron strings.

Despite all of the above, part of me still hopes that it doesn't come down to that.

Masochist? Glutton for punishment? Maybe I'm the one who needs to learn a lesson here.