All You Need is the L-Word

Years and years ago, I had a conversation with "Emily Post" (hereinafter EP)regarding The X. She was explaining all the reasons that our relationship wasn't healthy. "But, I love him," I insisted. "Sometimes, just loving someone isn't enough," she replied. I hated that statement. How could she say such a thing? I loved this guy. And, he loved me. And what more could two people possibly need?

Her statement has stayed with me for years. And, this past week, I've found myself going back to it again and again. As an adult, I now realize EP was right.

In advising others on their relationships, I frequenty reflect on my own experiences. So in providing advice this week, I've started reflecting upon EP's words. Sometimes, no matter how much you like someone and no matter how good things are between you, the relationship itself isn't right. You see in a relationship, there are three parties. There's you, there's him, and there's the concept of "us." Just because you like him and he likes you the logical conclusion that the "us" is a good thing, isn't necessarily correct. Thanks LSAT. Thanks.

I've had four relationships in the past year. Yup. Four. They've ranged from FWB to a BF-like relationship with EE. Of those four, two of those guys really had an impact on me. They would be FWB and AG. I really liked both of them...a lot. I really liked who I was when I was around them, because I found I could be myself completely. But, despite the fact that I liked them and they liked me, the "us" wasn't right. With FWB it was mainly an issue of geography, long distance, and the commitment. With AG, the issue was really that he's not emotionally stable enough to commit to me the way I need him to. Wrong place. Wrong time.

There are some things we cannot control in life and no where is this more evident than in relationships. Even if things are perfect, even if you have love, things like history, geography, and timing can render the relationship unhealthy. And, I'm not maintaining that I had love with either of these two. Because LBH, that's not a term I throw around or use lightly. But, if as EP said, love sometimes isn't enough, then surely mutual like is also not enough.

There's another common theme between these two relationships as well. I've managed to keep both of these guys in my life as friends. True, AG and I have only been attempting that for a week, but FWB and I have done that successfully for a long time. So, I didn't get a BF out of either of them. So the end result was friendship. Was I looking for friendship with either of them? Nope. But, that's what I found. Again, there are worse things in the world.

So, how did I accomplish this? Well, I think it was because I was honest with them and with myself. In each case, the offer of "us" didn't meet the definition of relationship that I require. Surmising that I couldn't get what I wanted, I stepped back, I turned on my heel, and I walked away. But, not without turning around and saying over my shoulder, I still want you in my life, because I value you as a person. Sure, there were tears in my voice each time I said it. Sure, I hated myself for not being able to accept their offers. But, it was the right decision. And, because I didn't settle for less than I want or deserve, I didn't end up hating them or resenting them. And because they were honest about what they could offer and because I had real connections with them, friendship was achieved. Again, not a horrible result.

So, EP (who thankfully does NOT read this blog because LBH, some of these postings would horrify her), you were right. Again. And, the Beatles, well sadly they were incorrect.