To have and have not.
DTR has been a big topic of conversation lately, both in the real world and in the blogosphere (namely here). We all know that Objection had the DTR this week and what the results of that were. My Work Friend (WF) also bit the bullet and had a DTR this weekend, too, with a guy she'd been dating (yikes, the dreaded past tense) for two years. That relationship, too, met the same fate as Objection's. So, now, I am thinking that the DTR does not need to happen in my relationship just yet.
After speaking to two other friends (wow, I can't make decisions on my own), I realized that I should enjoy what's going on, that dreading the conversation and bringing up the conversation were going to put a damper on my time with RCB. I think Richmond Friend (RF) said it best:
"i am a believer in actions speaking louder than words. (that's my caveat). thus, i think that it's less important for him to tell you he is your bf than it is for him to ACT like he is, which is how he is acting. my aunt subscribes to the theory that there are 5 love languages (we may have discussed this before):
1. touch
2. gifts
3. acts of service
4. quality time
5. words of affirmation"
As far as RD/RCB part II, I'm getting all of the above. We spent the entire weekend together, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I left him at home, again, this morning (for hours this time) when I went to work. He was very affectionate in front of many of my oldest friends and family members this weekend. He brings me little gifts every now and then. He also spends time helping me to do things. And, when intoxicated (ha, red flag, I know) he said some pretty amazing things the other night. So, we're speaking in all of the love languages (but I'll take a big fat pause before I actually use that word).
So, if I'm seemingly communicating in these ways and if his actions are speaking for himself (and considering the young age of this relationship), I'm beginning to think the DTR can wait a little longer...
posted by Reluctant Dater @ Monday, November 13, 2006
4 Comments:
I am obviously not the best person to give advice on when to DTR. I waited over five months to DTR with EE, which caused a lot of anxiety and ended poorly. I had decided to refrain from DTR-ing with AG, only have him to DTR and make me an offer I [sadly] had to refuse. I think that there's a fine line between DTR-ing too early and thus causing relationship chaos and DTR-ing too late thus causing anxiety. And, I think [the ever brilliant] Ganesh is correct too. Some guys will DTR on their own (as AG did). My advice is that you will know when to DTR. You seem happy right now with how things are going, and thus, perhaps waiting is a good thing. Don't pressure yourself by setting time limits etc. Just do what feels right for you and know that if you start to feel more anxious than at ease, it's probably time to have the conversation.
I have always been a chronic avoider of the DTR, therefore usually having it brought up by the guy - in one instance this was because he wanted the relationship to go further, and once because he wanted to end things, so I'm not sure the talk itself predicts the future. I think that you (and everyone considering the DTR) need to think about whether it's to ease your own insecurities or due to real confusion over where things stand. If it's to ease insecurities, this is fine as long as these are rational or something you just can't risk expressing anymore. I believe that if the other person sees the talk as just an expression of your not feeling secure in their intentions when he/she has done everything he/she can to make you feel otherwise (i.e. "actions") that this can understandably provoke the anxiety Objection was describing. My best advice, RD, is to hold off if able. While you (and I if I were in your situation) would love reassurance, it needs to be balanced with the rational realization that knowing he is sincere and has your best intentions at heart at this point is probably enough.
just have fun with it..and enjoy the love languages...sounds like he speaks a few of them...
I will HAVE to go with actions over words because I'm too big of a wuss to bing up the DTR talk.
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