A matter of trust.
Relationships that start out in the red as far as trust is concerned are hard. Really hard. Especially when the person who is untrusting has a vivid imagination. Very vivid.
Now, looking back, Mr. RCB didn’t ever really do anything for me to not trust him. RCB/RD Round 1, as I like to call it, was nothing more than a few random hookups and a few months of lunches. He was never my boyfriend, we were never dating (though this is not to say I didn’t want that to happen). Certain things were eventually brought to my attention that caused the bell to ring on Round 1 (notwithstanding the fact that he pretty much disappeared off the face of the Earth). Because of the nature of our hanging out, it was relatively easy to get over the situation and move on.
Round 2 has been a completely different story. Despite the opinions of some that people are not capable of changing, I will contend that, three years later, he is a different person. We are at a relationship point where, honestly, I can’t say I’ve ever been before. And I like it. However, it is very hard for me to give myself fully to this fight, to punch and kick with all my might to make this work. I am trying very hard to trust and be open and to be trustworthy, myself. I have my good days but I definitely have my bad ones.
Last week, RCB told me something that proved to me that he does, in fact, trust me. A lot. And I did all that I could to take that information for what it was, to revel in the fact he was able to tell it to me, and to enjoy that. But there was still that little part of me that can’t let go.
So today I tried to reciprocate, to let him know that I, too, was ready to be trusting. As a responsible individual, I decided that I had to be at work on time today. He had a late meeting. When the alarm went off, I told him to go back to sleep…I also let him know that he could sleep in as late as he wanted. I was leaving him in my house, alone. Now, I know men are not like women. He probably did not get up as soon as I left to rifle through my drawers looking for stuff.
(He wouldn’t have found anything of interest, anyway, as I am a forward thinker and anything that could be construed as suspicious was skillfully put away.)
My question is this: am I just going to have to take a blind leap of faith into this and not suspect the worst all the time? He has given me no reason not to trust him. At all. Do I just enjoy the anxiety? Is trusting someone something that comes with time? Does this bode poorly for Round 2?
I would like to hope that this is all normal, that soon I will wonder why I ever felt anxious or insecure. That I will be able to 100% trust him, that I won’t even have to think about it.
posted by Reluctant Dater @ Monday, November 06, 2006
6 Comments:
I believe (rather stongly) that it is much better to completely trust someone from the beginning of a relationship. In the absence of a reason otherwise -- and you state you have none -- I believe it is a much more positive approach to simply decide to trust someone.
I realize that others may disagree with this approach, calling it naive. And it is certainly true that it is far more likely to cause you to get hurt. But I believe in the words of Confucius:
It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.
RD: I am going to let you in on a little secret about guys. Our mornings are built around getting the greatest amount of sleep. I have my routine down to the point where I can sleep as late as possible get the kid his breakfast, dress him, hop in the shower get dressed and leave in time to work.
There is no extra time in my schedule for things like snooping :)
It seems to take multiple positive actions to build trust, but only one (sometimes tiny) negative factor to completely destroy it. And if you are looking for a negative factor (I feel your vivid imagination, believe me), you will find one, founded or unfounded. That said, if your gut tells you to trust him, just do it :o) The truth always has a way of revealing itself...you will have a better time in the present if you aren't looking for the negative.
I think it's a process. I mean, it seems like you're building the trust and that's a good thing.
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My theory (and I think this has something to do with your hesitancy too, RD) is that I'm always bracing myself for the worst hence the constant questioning/trust issues on my end when in a relationship. This isn't rational but instinct... I think are a lot of possible explanations for such behavior, one important one being less than perfect self esteem. When you're almost thirty and have had nothing but failed relationships, and possibly poor role models for successful relationships (if there is parental divorce), it takes active work to change the mindset that relationships are always going to end. Without conscious thought I think this can become a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you believe you will fail, you set yourself up for failure by making bad choices, acting inappropriately, etc. RD, I think you and this relationship shows promise because you are consciously thinking about these things! I just hope that he’s putting the same effort in… I’m rooting for you!
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