The dreaded DTR.
As a graduated English major, I have always been one to read into things--I learned by and from the best of them to analyze every thought and word on the thousands of pages of words in front of me. Unfortunately, my education has brought to me more harm than good. I am now--and am afraid I will forever be--the persistent analyst. Often, the things I am analyzing need not be subjected to such intense thought.
I think about every word. I think about every action. I always wonder about greater meaning, underlying significance. It's no wonder, then, that I would like to know, in words, the status of my relationship with RCB. It is causing me great anxiety not to know. Fear is not always a great motivator; in this case, I think it's causing me to be stagnant.
Everything is going very well, I'd say. Despite the easygoing nature of the relationship and the comfort level we have [too quickly??] attained, I am still uncertain about where we stand. I know he won't bring it up. Status quo is probably a-ok with him. But it's not with me.
I know I need to know because I'm beginning to do crazy girl things. Aside from the bouts of insecurity (does he really like me? or does he just like having someone to hook up with and eat dinner with?), I am beginning to do things like associate physical affection with his level of overall affection toward me; in other words, if our routine strays in even the most miniscule way from that to which I have become accustomed, my inner monologue immediately goes asunder and I begin to think something is awry. When, in reality, maybe he is just tired as he says he is. I am beginning to think that if I know we are exclusive and there isn't the even remote possibility of anyone on the sidelines (I've been watching a lot of football lately) then maybe my anxiety will be assuaged. Ha, we can always hope for such things, right?
So, I'm wondering: when is it appropriate to have the conversation that defines the relationship? Is this something that should occur naturally or must it be forced? What does one who initiates such a conversation say to the other person? Wants? Needs? Desires? Do men prefer just to let things evolve naturally or do they want to talk about these things? Will it scare him away if it happens too early? Does it need to happen at all?
posted by Reluctant Dater @ Wednesday, November 08, 2006
3 Comments:
We know that I am obviously the last person who should be giving advice on when to DTR (just go back and reread my entries around the time things w/ EE ended). The best advice I can give is to do what will make you feel comfortable and happy.
objection is right on: do what works for you. some guys like to talk and articulate their inner lives, others prefer a series of grunts. so you should do what's comfortable for you. i'm one of the guys obsessed with definitions, so i'll usually say something after the 4th or 5th date.
as for what to say, the main question involves what an exclusive relationship means to you. the important thing is not to be suffocating yet be blunt and honest with what you want. most guys i know prefer blunt and honest over allusion and ambiguity.
i do think your current hypersensitivity needs to be addressed now because it has the possibility of jeopardizing the relationship. if you like the guy, and if you think things will work out, you should be able to talk to him about what you're thinking, right?
i don't really like the whole DTR. i'm more like why can't things just stay the way it is and we don't have to talk bout it. but then again i suppose if i really really like the guy, i'll feel differently and want to define things. i guess you should just talk to him but make it casual so you don't scare him just in case he's one of 'em guys who don't really like to talk bout their feelings. good luck!
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