Giving thanks (albeit a day late).

Along the same vein as Objection's birthday post, I feel, at this [alleged] time of introspection and overinflated emotional indulgence, I should sit down, look at the past year and revel in what I've done and been through.

A year ago today, it had been a little over two months since the end of my relationship with Him. The sad thing is, I didn't know it [Hello, Denial. Meet RD] and still thought that there was "something" there, even if it was only the tiniest smidge of hope. I listened to my therapy themed iPod playlist constantly, relating every song to the situation, thinking it might still could maybe possibly work but knowing, deep down, that songs like this were written for a reason and, really, it was done. If Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne can write angry girl songs about getting over it and move on, I could move on as well. And that broken road Rascal Flatts sings about? Well marked with my footsteps, thank you very much.

Unable to not use Thanksgiving as an excuse to call Him, I did. He had [allegedly] spent Thanksgiving alone; it was His first major holiday after his divorce and He just didn't want to have to deal. I felt bad, thinking crazy thoughts (and verbalizing them) like "I wish you would have told me, you could have come to my family's celebration." Wow, like that would have been a good idea. After Thanksgiving, I did not hear from Him again for a month. And after that, not until St. Patrick's day. The rest, I'm afraid, you already know or have at least gleaned from my ramblings.

I am thankful that, these days, I think of Him rarely, if at all. Ok, fine. At least once a day, but it's better than thinking about Him so much that, as Howie Day said and He reiterated on numerous occasions, He was "scared to know [he's] always on" my mind.

I don't know what I would have done if Objection hadn't moved back to the area--she was a single friend beacon in a sky dark with married/attached [albeit fabulous] girlfriends. As a perpetually single gal, it was always tough for me to be the third (or fifth) wheel. But Objection arrived on the scene and we soon began causing trouble all over the place (or at least making feeble attempts at doing so).

I am thankful that I was reminded that it's fun to go out and do things. Even if the people you are around suck or the situation (ew, New Year's Eve) isn't the most ideal, if you have at least one partner in crime you can have fun and, at the very least, have someone to laugh about it with the next day. I am thankful for friends with whom I can spend time but, mostly, for those of you (and you know who you are) who sit there and listen to my daily dilemmas. If you all were psychologists, you'd make a lot of money treating me.

I am thankful that I had the "guts" to buck my personal thoughts and opinions and join Match.com. While the experience was not the best, I can say that I did it with an open mind and tried, for three months, to meet The One. I didn't even meet anyone close. But I tried. And, I can't say that if my current situation meets a sad demise that I won't try a similar avenue. I'm not making promises, so don't get excited. The thing I am most thankful for with regard to that situation, though, is that it was the impetus of this blog which has become, to me, a source of my greatest comfort. Writing in a journal always seemed so pretentious to me; I found it difficult, oftentimes, to even be honest with myself. This is such a different forum. I tell it like it is and don't care who reads it (except, of course, the not so innocent parties. Yikes!). Thinking that there are people out there who may want to hear about what is going on in my piddly little life allows me to want to record everything. Okay, lbh: it's because I'm selfish and want these records for my own edification later, when I'm old and gray and am trying to recollect how I spent those last turbulent days of my 20s. I'll laugh about it as I read these entries, stopping as RCB puts a glass of lemonade next to my rocking chair.

Hhahaha. And that brings us to RCB. Still a tumultuous situation about which I am one moment over the moon and the next under a bus, I can't help but want to continue with it. Some may think it's a bad idea and unhealthy. Some may say to enjoy it for what it is, that at this point hurt is going to hurt whether it happens now or later. Underlying [personal sabotage worthy] trust issues aside, we have had a great few weeks. We've spent a lot of time together. I'm comfortable to a point where he notices. We talk about everything (except, of course, us, but that conversation scares me, and I'm not ready for it, as we all are well aware).

With RCB, I've been able to come out of my relationship shell. I've put myself out there in a way I never would have thought myself capable, considering what I believed to be my relationship maturity level. I've overlooked things I should have been more adamant about and I've been adamant about things that I should have just let go. In other words, I've had a relationship, possibly the first [almost] real one I've ever had. I'm thankful that I gave him a second chance when he came back in August, that I didn't hold a grudge. I'm thankful that I was honest with him at that point and that I've tried to stick by my guns. I am thankful that I have been able escape from my usual MO and actually voice my opinions, which has enabled me to say and do things I never would have imagined. I am thankful he gives me forehead kisses and entertains my silly ideas.

So, friends, Happy belated Thanksgiving. Despite the [tremendous] ups and downs of this past year, I can sit here on Black Friday and be thankful for all that I have, all that I have "lost" and all that is to come. I hope you can do the same.