No Need to Salute.

Red Flag: A statement, action, or character trait which should indicate that a given individual is not ideal relationship material.

This is the first in a two part series, "Red Flags: An Exercise in 'Issue' Spotting." Here, we examine red flags (in no particular order) observed over the entirety of our dating history. As always, the names and identifying features have been eliminated to protect the innocent (us) and the not so innocent (them).

Disclaimer: These are not all ours. Our fearless red flag spotting friends also contributed to the list (so as to protect the innocent even more).

And now...Red flags 1-50.

1. Two words: Oedipal complex.
2. There is a gun kept in the bedroom closet, and another one kept under the nightstand. Nothing says romance like firearms.
3. Shows up for the second date wearing fraternity letters (and yes, he was 28 and yes, this occurred less than 2 months ago).
4. You call him one day to find the following response when his voice mail picks up: “Hi, this is Red Flag So and So, I’ve left the country and will be back in six weeks. I’ll call you back when I return.” You talked to him the day before and knew nothing about this trip.
5. You date nine months before you find out he has another girlfriend. And she introduces herself to you. And he’s there, and he sees that the two of you are speaking and he doesn’t seem phased by it. At all. And she doesn’t say she’s his girlfriend.
6. He makes sexually suggestive comments at dinner. In front of your overprotective male relatives.
7. He’s the best friend of your “boyfriend” and has been since they were tykes.
8. “We really can’t continue to do this, so think about what you want. But if you want to keep hooking up and that’s it, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
9. You have, in the entire history of your “relationship” spent more time undressed than dressed, yet he insists, “it’s more than just sex.”
10. Two of your therapists have “diagnosed” him with serious psychological disorders without ever meeting him.
11. He loves himself. A lot.
12. He drinks nothing that is not alcoholic. Ever.
13. He drinks at lunch. On a workday. Every time you go out to lunch.
14. He keeps a wine opener in his desk drawer. In his office.
15. When he can’t find said bottle opener, he cleverly uses a mechanical pencil to open the wine bottle.
16. Alright, he has wine in his office.
17. He eats less than you do.
18. He seemingly has unlimited vacation time, as he always seems to be “taking a day off.”
19. When you ask him what his ex (wife, girlfriend, whatever) looks like he says, “You.”
20. You meet him when he is literally with someone he is seriously dating yet he flirts with and pays more attention to you and she sits there and acts like that is normal.
21. He calls you drunk from the metro station and, an hour later, shows up at your house in a cab that you end up paying for.
22. You’re invited on the family vacation and when the dinner bill comes they tell you what your individual share is.
23. He hires (and tells you that he did hire, as if there’s nothing wrong with it) a personal assistant who does (among other things, you suspect) for him the following (but not limited to these) tasks: changes the batteries in his remote control, sweeps the deck, puts the cover on the grill, gets his car washed and detailed…
24. He tells you right after the first time he kisses you that he can’t give you what you want/need/deserve. Ever. Because that’s obviously the opportune time to do so.
25. Prior to the commencement of your “relationship” he tells mutual friends, “I already f***ed [insert name of other woman known to both of you] and I’m going to f*** [insert your own name] next.”
26. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
27. He has products and calls them products.
28. When you throw a fit one day and he calls you on it and says it is not becoming or in your character and then follows that up with, “Well, I’m coming to realize that all women have the tendency to be bitches.”
29. He tells you to stop thinking about him all the time. He knows you do it. Now he’s suddenly intuitive?
30. He only asks you to do things after you miss a phone call (or several) from him and he realizes you’re busy; ie you call him back and give your excuse (“I was at dinner”) and he says, “Oh, man, I was calling because I really wanted to go to [name of very expensive restaurant] and I wanted you to come with me.”
31. He has never crossed the threshold of your apartment door to enter your residence unless (a) he was intoxicated and/or (2) it was after midnight.
32. He plans for your future together. On the first date.
33. His last/present girlfriend is referred to by his group of buddies as “So and So the Hooker.”
34. He doesn’t have a job. And never has, the whole time you’ve “known” him. But still manages to go out all the time and pay the rent.
35. His “side jobs” involve being in the company of young women.
36. His idea of “hanging out” involves wearing no clothing. Since when does “Let’s hang out” mean “Let’s take off our clothes”?
37. He says he has to leave immediately because he has somewhere to be. At 5 am. On a Sunday.
38. You spend a lot of time talking to him, seeing him, hooking up with him during the workday but, come the weekend, you don’t hear a peep. See number 5.
39. Um, you hook up with him during the workday. And only during the workday.
40. He calls you from random, faraway and exotic locales…though you’re “dating,” you don’t even know that he’s left home turf. (Note: this is not the same gentleman as that of number 4.)
41. Pre “hanging out” he tells you of a “great t-shirt” he saw recently that said “Spitters are Quitters.”
42. His big night out is Sunday.
43. His Sunday night out starts with brunch.
44. He is not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t know if he ever will be.
45. He doesn’t “believe” in working.
46. He has multiple instant messenger names on the same instant messenger system.
47. You have been dating for months and have never met his friends.
48. He is inexplicably and irrationally afraid of any of the following: spiders, cats, insects, West Nile virus, and/or your father.
49. You are about 90% sure he’s gay when you first meet him.
50. Your friends (as well as his) refer to him as “Gay So and So.” And he knows it. And does nothing to refute it.