Your Cheating Heart.

As of late, I’ve had conversations with several different factions of my friendship pool regarding the issue of cheating. Brought on by such ubiquitous things as Brangelina, www.stevenisacheatingdog.com, and the fact that many of us can’t go to a bar or restaurant without being accosted by obviously attached (hello, wedding ring! Hey there, girlfriend standing in the corner!) men, the topic is one that has sadly made its way into our vernaculars.

We’ve managed to have heated discussions (with varying opinions depending on experiences of lack thereof) on some of the following:

1. When, if ever, is cheating okay?
2. Is it okay if you are with someone and you do not know that he actually has a girlfriend (or, as we get older, a wife)?
3. What if you suspect but don’t ask?
4. What if he’s separated but not divorced?
5. What if he’s been cheated on and feels like he’s justified?
6. Why do we find it easy to “forgive” or “overlook” or “accept” celebrity infidelities?

Because I have an eclectic group of female friends, our opinions were varied and our conversations always in depth. Here are some of the things that came up and some of our conclusions—a good example of how different people’s opinions and experiences are and how effed up and dysfunctional and bizarre relationships can be (and why, I contend, they are a lot of work and trouble and when you have a good one you should appreciate it for what it is).

Some of our conclusions/talking points, in no particular order:

When did our moral fabric disintegrate to the point that we are able to say to ourselves, “He’s the one who’s doing something wrong. If he doesn’t have a problem with it, neither should I.” Oh, but you should have a problem with it. You know you’re in trouble if you start justifying like that. You are contributing to the breaking of a promise, to the mocking of a commitment. You are making decisions that don’t just affect you, any more.

However great the feeling of attention and misplaced love may be, it’s not right. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to him. And it’s certainly not fair to the actual significant other, whether she is also participating in such illicit activities or not.

Lifetime movie lessons come into play in situations like this: “He is not going to leave his wife/girlfriend for you. Ever. No matter what he says.” He can have a relationship with you, take you on vacations, buy you things, but he still can’t (read: won’t) bring himself to leave her. Don’t give the guy too much credit. It’s not a conscience thing, it’s a guilt thing. He's not a nice guy trying not to hurt her; He’s not staying with her for fear of her getting hurt by the truth. He just doesn’t want to be caught. Somewhere along the way, he learned about actions and consequences…but there was faulty wiring somewhere, something short circuited and he began to think, in this situation, there would be no consequences.

Now, if you absolutely know and you continue, you are in the wrong. Fate, love, star crossed lovers, whatever. No matter what. If you suspect, you should find a way to find out. If he’s cheating, there are issues in his relationship and you don’t know if he is the cause of them or not; of course he doesn’t seem to be the cause of them. But sometimes your eyes need to be opened a little wider.

Cheating spouses are not only an issue for the spouses but for society as a whole...it contributes to the ever-growing mockery of marriage and fidelity. Marriage today is no longer "til death do us part"...it's "until this gets too hard" or "until I meet someone hotter" or "until I have my mid-life crisis." Divorce is seen as a remedy to a problem, a solution. Unfortunately, we’ve all seen many relationships come to blows like these. And what type of message does that send to children, teens, young adults? Not only does it say that you can easily walk out of (or cheat your way through) a relationship, it begs the question: who ARE you loyal to? Would you trust your deepest secrets with a woman who can't stay faithful to her husband? Why would she be faithful to you? Cheating boyfriends/girlfriend are often cheating friends, as well.

Some of us consider Hollywood to be the foremost contributor to the disintegration of relationships/demoralizing of marriages problem. Marriage is a joke, fidelity is a joke, and "bad boys" and "bad girls" are glorified. Angelina carries on with whomever she pleases, has a child with Brad and openly states she has no intention of marrying him. When will she get bored with him and move onto her next [married] man? And yet she is still glorified for all her U.N. work while it is never acknowledged that she carried on an affair with a married man. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora. Peter Cook and his 19 year old assistant. Prince Charles and Camilla. Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. Jude Law and the nanny. These celebrities are doing whatever (or whomever) the hell they want. No matter how rich or how beautiful you are, you are not immune to this. That’s the sad part.

I realize that these thoughts run the gamut…but it all comes down to the basic Golden Rule. Is it really that hard to treat others as you want to be treated? And that brings us to the always hard to answer question of: If you come to realize that your paramour happens to have a significant other, do you find a way to tell her (after you immediately break things off, of course)? Does it make you look bad to tell her? Does she deserve to know? Is it best for her to figure it out on her own?

Stepping off the soapbox, again, your friend,
RD