Fear of Mr. U.N. Owen *

First, allow me to express my gratitude to the readers (and fellow PWM blogger) who took the time to respond to my most recent post. Somehow, in a matter of 48 hours I've managed to slowly become increasingly anxious about the HS situation. Always eager to find the root of any and all anxiety thus permitting for its removal from my life, I've tried to figure out the why behind this.

Usually when I'm anxious in the relationship context it's because I need reassurance and/or validation that the other party is feeling the same way I feel. Sometimes, there's a conversation that I need to have to establish this. For example, with EE I struggled for months with the exclusivity thing. A simple conversation with him should have been able to quash said anxiety (assuming of course that (1) I'd been able to initiate such a conversation and (2) upon initiation he had been responsive and supportive). But, in examining the current situation, I find that there's not really a conversation that I could have with HS to make me feel more at ease. He's been acting in exactly the way I've been wanting a guy to act for a long time. He communicates well and frequently. He doesn't hesitate to spend long amounts of time with me. Marathon dates have become normal for us. And, LBH, we've only been dating a short time, so it seems way too early to clarify anything.

So, what's the issue then? Well, I think it's a basic fear of the unknown (* aka Mr. U.N. Owen -- thank you Agatha Christie). I think in part, I'm afraid of getting hurt. I think in part, I'm afraid of getting too comfortable. This relationship has fostered an environment where I (up until the past few days) haven't worried much about e-mailing or texting whenever I feel the need, or planning dates way in advance. I may think twice before sending correspondence, but I rarely think three times. But suddenly, I'm starting to worry that HS is going to get freaked out and think it's all too much too fast...even though he has perpetuated this very comfortable, open kind of exchange. Suddenly, I question whether I should ask about interest in events that are weeks in the future (a recent such inquiry and a lack of response as of yet is a major factor in my current anxiety).

The difficult part of the realization that I'm fearing the unknown here (while simultaneously worrying that I'm going to destroy what seems to be a good basis for a relationship), is that I know that this is all my own internal issue. It's not something that I can likely resolve by getting additional information from HS. Nope. It's something I need to figure out on my own. What's the reasoning for this? Why do I fear messing things up so much? Why do I assume that I'm going to be the one to screw it up? These are all excellent questions. So, today I shall ponder them. Feedback welcomed blogging friends.