"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."

The subject, I know, has been talked to death. But, as I've said before, I use this space to put my feelings out there, because I prefer it to the traditional journal and, at times, I appreciate the comments and advice of strangers (and friends).

I was much stronger today than I thought I would be. In fact, I cried only when retelling the story to a concerned friend. I cried because I am sad. And it's okay to feel this way, I know. "If you're going to make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears."

Most surprisingly, and despite the animosity toward him that seethes from some, I feel no anger. Not one bit. I feel a tremendous amount of disappointment, even more sadness and a tad of loneliness, but I feel not one drop of hatred or anger. In fact, I feel quite the opposite, which I know most people probably will not understand. "We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll smile and recall for just one moment we had it all."

But, most of you also do not know RCB as I know him. You know what I tell you, and what I tell you is mostly the bad stuff, with a lot of exaggeration thrown into the mix. You do not know how he was when we were together, the sweet and intimate things he would say and do. I often chose not to share those things because I felt like they were mine; and while the showy part of me (a part of me that doesn't always come out) wanted to flaunt my happiness to the blogosphere, I refrained. This was my thing, these were my secrets, this was my happiness. "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

It must be the "anatomy" of a breakup, but as my dear friend said when I explained my lack of anger, "you are probably in the forgiveness phase." I guess I am. But being in this phase makes me think that I could be friends with him, as he requested on numerous occasions. I know that this can't happen right away, or even soon. But I miss him. I really do. "I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day."

I also care about him and honestly want him to be happy. Based on our conversations, I am not sure that is possible, which makes me worry. I question what my true feelings for him are/were. "You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.

I obviously still feel like he made a mistake and fear he will realize it and come back; what I fear most, those, is what my reaction will be if this happens. I told him I could never do this again. I'm hoping that's the truth. "Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

I think he got scared about the intensity of the relationship and the speed at which it progressed. I question his "reasoning" for the breakup, the impetus for our conversation; while seemingly valid (and the truth) I think it was the most extreme scenario he could have executed, because he knew that the answer to his question was going to be all or nothing. He was right. "He that shuts love out, in turn shall be shut out from love, and on her threshold lie, howling in outer darkness."

"No one can promise they'll never hurt you, because at one time or another they will. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end." I think it was. I hope it was. Time, I suppose, will tell.