Words of wisdom from...Beyonce.
"You can't rush a man into anything – whether it's a relationship, marriage or having children. When he's ready, he'll let you know."
On the heels of my most recent breakup, I'll have to agree with her. Well said, Beyonce.
However, I'll have to disagree on one thing...why should you wait until he's ready? Unless you know that it's just a matter of time, more power to you. But, if you know that he sees a future that is different than yours, then are you sure you want to wait for him to possibly change his mind? Thus was my dilemma. We all know what my choice was. And also, we know that my fear is that his choice is going to change.
posted by Reluctant Dater @ Wednesday, December 13, 2006
8 Comments:
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but he actually did you a favor. If he didn't see a future with you, then stringing you along until he decides to break up later, after you're more emotionally involved, would only have made things worse.
I don't know if you mis-read the situation while you were dating, or if he was leading you on, but either way, now things will improve. If you were still dating him and had met the person you were supposed to be with, you might not have given him a chance because you were still in a relationship. So the universe has set in motion a series of events that is guiding you towards your destiny (which doesn't involve him).
Sage Beyonce. To answer YOUR questions: 1) you must assume that RCB will not change his mind and he has given you no indication that he will, and 2) you must love yourself enough to deny him the privilege of spending time with you, if he does.
Burn RD twice, shame on RCB, burn RD three times, shame on RD.
I have to agree with Ninja and DH. While I know it's much easier said than done, you need to stay away from RCB. IF he changes his mind (and that's not very likely), he'll let you know. Then YOU can decide if you want him.
I speak from experience- don't drag things out.
thanks for all the comments...
i know i can't drag this out. in fact, i am trying my damndest not to do so. i am fully aware that he did me a favor. i can't marry someone like him. but the friend idea is lingering in the back of my head (not bff, mind you, just unhateful compatriots).
HIN: i may be naive, but i definitely did not misread the situation. i mean, i never even thought about marrying him, to be honest. i was just going day by day to see what happened. if you've been following the saga, you knew that i had reservations and issues of my own. i know this is for the best. my problem is just that i am having trouble really being angry--for the reason you stated: he did me a favor.
DH: we've discussed at length already. thanks for being such an honest friend. i won't do anything stupid, but you know i don't necessarily think talking to him (with memories of what he did and said in my head) is such a bad idea. i can't let myself get hurt again, and i won't. i promise.
aileen: i'm doing nothing to perpetuate this (i hope...unless you count responding to his attempts at communication, which many think is a bad idea in and of itself). he is the one who is establishing contact. so, hopefully, this will all end up as we all want it to--as a failed relationship in which at least one party (me) realizes the good that came from it AND its demise.
I understand, though, about wondering if his mind will change. Hello-me for the past gazillion years!
I'd have to disagree with our thespian du jour, you most certainly *can* rush a man into anything. Of course, you can also rush a recipe, surgery, or a car repair as well!
After curiously reading through a number of the books mentioned through this blog, I have to caution against unfairly throwing all men into the rather shabby cardboard box of decidedly convenient construction. Not all men are commit-a-phobes, and in such a case it is more than proper to give a nudge or hip-check (depending on the temperament) towards meaningful discussions with more positive results.
Of course, if you only choose those who do shy away from the ties that bind, your current predicament may find many returns. As a parting observation (I'd be amiss to call any of this "advice") it's puzzling that you aren't indulging in some anger following the breakup. While he may have done you a rather back-handed favour by preventing future pain, it shouldn't change the fact that pain was caused--and anyone is entitled to cover their wound, display that rare upper lip tremble, and glare daggers at those responsible.
You don't owe him any debts for breaking up with someone like yourself, regardless of timing!
[Again, despite the personal travails contained within, the Blog remains an excellent daily read. Kudos.]
greatwhitenorth: thanks for your continued support of both me (and all of us here at pwm) and our blog.
i feel like anger is a waste of energy. because, i'm not really angry. i'm sad and i'm disappointed and, ask any who have had to deal with me in person these past few days, i'm allowing myself to have (and really feel) those things.
there's nothing, to me, to be angry about. disappointment in the result of the relationship and in him is what i'm really feeling. and a much stronger emotion, i think. it always made me shudder a little more to hear my mother (or a teacher, or whomever) say, "rd, i'm disappointed in you" over "rd, i'm mad at you."
does that make sense?
Quite succinctly, rd. Well expressed.
Anger is, by nature, a very substitutable emotion and I'm glad to hear that you've found the blend that works for you. It's also very good for a rapid boil, but disappointment and sadness have that long simmer going for them. Just don't forget to take it off the element before it goes bad. [I know water doesn't go bad, indulge the metaphor. ;)]
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