To Date or Not to Date?
That is the question I am facing this holiday season. When I return home for Christmas, I will be seeing a close male friend whom I almost dated a few years ago. When we met, we were working together, a time when we both had very intense schedules, yet we quickly became good friends, and though it took him a while to get up the courage to say something to me about how he felt, he finally did. And I rejected him, saying I thought things were better “just friends”, even though mentally and emotionally he is everything I could really ever want in a boyfriend/husband.
We love to spend time together doing the same things, our day to day lifestyles are very similar, we have similar values, he is not intimidated by a woman with a demanding or well paying career, and we have even already been on a vacation (with another friend) together. My rejection of course confused and frustrated him, as he and some of our friends swore there was some definite chemistry there, but our discussion never threatened our friendship. The problem for me was that I didn’t think I had ever been really attracted to him. Superficial, huh? DB is not bad looking at all, he is successful professionally, caring, funny and intelligent, he’s just not my usual “type”. While at times I’ve thought that he had pretty eyes, or nice arms, I never really find myself thinking about him… in that way. He has always just been the guy I would love to set up with a single girlfriend – maybe right for someone else, but not me.
So, in preparation for my trip home, he has already contacted me, and we’ve made some plans, he has even suggested some very nice restaurants. I constantly am left wondering – should I be giving this guy more of a chance? And, why am I really thinking about this now? Is it because I’ve been noticing his picture on my mantle more lately, and thinking about how my life would be different had I been more open to a relationship with him three years ago? Is it just the holidays, and being single? Is it the fact that I wonder if I’d just jumped in, and kissed him, if my romantic feelings might have been different? I have a friend who swears she didn’t really think romantically about her husband until the first time that he kissed her.
Bloggers – what is your opinion? Can physical attraction really evolve? And is it really that important? (I think it is). What are the chances he even feels the same way about me three years later?
posted by dr. strangelove @ Tuesday, December 19, 2006
8 Comments:
Yes, physical attraction is very important. And yes, I feel it can evolve. I, too, have experienced what your friend mentioned about not feeling true attraction until after the first kiss.
It's rare to find someone that you "click" so well with...so if there's a chance, I think you should check it out. However, don't take too long to figure it out as that is just torture for the other person.
I think that physical attraction is often the spark that starts a relationship...at least, it's often been the case for me. But, there also needs to be an emotional connection for me as well...and I need to admire the individual's sense of humor and intelligence. My advice is to go out with him while in town, and see how you feel about it. Don't force yourself into anything, but also don't close doors too soon.
objection's on the money: hang out and be open to the possibilities.
one caveat, though: don't be too impulsive, since you've probably already burned him once. there's no reason to act on what may only be ephemeral feelings, unless you just want a fling with him.
Give it a chance. The fact that you've already given it so much consideration means there's the chance that it may turn into something great. You never know, you know? It also may eventually turn into a steaming pile of discontent, but maybe that's just me. I'm having that kind of day.
It sounds like you're on the cusp of a great romance story, regardless of how it turns out!
At the risk of being the dissenting opinion, the holidays *can* have a real impact on previously subdued feelings. Further to that, one could guess that he's still holding the torch from his connect-again motions.
Still, enjoy yourself and see where it goes. Hopefully there is something there, but sometimes friends are best at being just that.
(On a related note, I do believe there has to be a touch of chemistry/attraction there to serve as a catalyst. Something, anything(!), to take your mind off of the otherwise endless search for that something.)
Thanks, readers, for your great advice.
Aileen: I know it's rare, and I'm trying not to take that for granted, whatever happens.
Objection: I figure there's some reason I haven't completely closed the door in 3 years...
Ganesh: Thanks for reminding me to be careful with his feelings, which is why the pressure to be sure (and not act impulsively) if I do decide to see what a kiss feels like is so great. (I do not think I could ever have a fling with him due to the emotional attachment already there.)
honeykbee: Thanks for the dose of reality, your comment made me laugh out loud!
gwn: Is it possible to be confused about whether the chemistry is there? Wouldn't one know? That's what gets me...
PS - GWN, your comments always promote me to think further, are you professionally certified to analyze or just wise?
Your comments always help me and it seems as though we are in the same predicament again. I would just say go with the flow, see what happens but don't put any pressure on it. Be you, be fabulous and have fun. The holidays suck when you are alone. If you have a wonderful man-friend to spend it with, just enjoy and take it one step at a time.
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