Third time's a charm? Or three strikes, you're out?
The sucky thing about writing blogs about your dating life is that, unless you suspiciously delete them, your dilemmas and triumphs remain for the world to see for all of posterity.
Had I not written volumes about my relationship with RCB (from its re-inception to its demise), what I’m about to tell you would seem great. But, I did. I opened my mouth (or, alternatively, let my fingers dance across my keyboard for extended periods of time) and you know the good, the bad and the ugly of our coupling.
What you do not know, and what I have been—in an uncharacteristic manner—keeping from you is that we never stopped talking after I sent the “let’s trade belongings” email. At first, it started out slow; we were both hurt and confused and afraid of what we might say or do. Soon, the conversations began coming every day and lasting longer and longer; as one who frequently complained, previously, of the lack of communication, this was obviously unprecedented.
Last week, we saw each other. It was after that when I realized that “this,” whatever it was, was not going to work. We could not be friends. Our chemistry, palpable since the second we met, was still there. How could we possibly be expected to sit next to each other and just watch a movie? Or sit across from each other at dinner and not be thinking about dessert? We couldn’t. Realizing this, I set out to tell RCB that we had to end whatever it was we had. I was going to dump him this time.
Like most things in my life (and, a good thing for you), the conversation did not end up as I expected; what I expected was a five minute conversation that would not end with either party being happy but, rather, one that would leave us feeling a little more sad and lost and confused than we had been. What I got was a three hour conversation where every issue of distrust, insecurity, anxiety, desire, and expectation was discussed.
No, I can’t forget the things he said to me. He knows this. I can forgive him, based on recent conversations and explanations, but I will never forget. I will not forget what got us to that point in December, when he felt it was appropriate to end what he is now calling the greatest relationship of his life. But I will also not forget, as we forge ahead with this reborn relationship, the feeling of putting it all out there and of being honest and mutually optimistic.
Oh yeah, you read that right. We are trying this again. The difference, this time, is we both actually and really know the other’s intentions. He knows that our common fear of failure and getting hurt is no reason not to try this, for real. If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. As long as we tried our hardest and gave it our all, neither one of us could ask for more.
I do not need to be reminded of the events of the last time we were together; the blogosphere does a good enough job doing that for me. The “I told you sos” need not be ready at the helm, for I have a better feeling about this now than I ever did before. I have to trust in myself and in RCB and in what we can make of this. And so, too, friends, do you. I realize this might be the biggest mistake of my life; but it could also be the greatest decision I ever made. That, of course, is left to be determined.
posted by Reluctant Dater @ Wednesday, January 24, 2007
6 Comments:
Of course, I would never tell anyone WHAT to do, but reading your previous posts, do you really believe that RCB didn't mean what he said before? Did you read "He's Just Not that into you?" You were halfway through getting over him, and you just put yourself back in. I'm sorry, but once someone hurts you like that by saying so many hurtful things, it's 99% likely that he will do it again. People who are like that tend to be repetitive in their actions and behavior. If it were me, I would strongly suggest dating others. He hasn't earned the right to have you be exclusive again. He should earn the trust back. I have been through this and trust me, I am no pessmist but I do believe if things are meant to be, they are meant to be. Love should not be hard, and if he hadn't even said he loved you yet, I would definitely not give it a chance. Why would you let someone think you think so little of yourself that you can't find someone who can love you? There is someone out there for everyone. Don't be needy, it's such a turnoff for men.
Anonymous:
Of course I've read HJNTIY. What female of my generation hasn't?
I appreciate your concern. However, I did not make this decision lightly, nor without a lot of thought and introspection.
Why is it that I think so poorly of myself? Why can't it be that I think highly of the relationship that RCB and I can and may have? I realize what it might look like to an outsider, this going back to someone who has hurt me in the past. But, as an outsider, you only know what I tell you. And, I tend to tell you a lot of the bad. But there is good, and it's the good that influences my decisions.
And of course I know we all tend to talk only about the bad things that happen. But at the same time, I can relate to everything you have written. And I will say, unfortunately, that every time you have that nervous/anxious feeling when a day has passed and he hasn't called, is only going to increase exponentially this 3rd time around. If immaturity is the con about RCB, it won't change. Most men don't change. They'd much rather find a woman that is complacent with their behavior. I really wish you luck, but I think you will be blogging about your unhappiness in less than 2 weeks. I am no psychic, just experienced in bad relationships.
To be honest, if you truly valued the relationship and were so confident in it, you wouldn't open it up for analysis and consumption by the e-public. Sorry to be so frank...
RD, as your friend I will refrain from judging, but I must express my main concern, which is that this relationship and possibly this reunion is more on his terms than yours... when really, it should be quite the reverse, at least at this point in time. Please remember to not take matters concerning the (your) heart lightly. That things might work out is not good enough reason to repeat mistakes of the past. Things might work out better with the next guy you see at Starbucks. Do not put blinders on or minimize the effect ensuing heartache might have on you if things don't go as smoothly as you hope just because you are feeling bad ('anonymous' was right, you were halfway through getting over him!) or, perhaps, a tad jealous of other prospects that might now come his way. Has he proven to you that he is genuinely concerned for your well-being this time around? If not, I think you should reconsider... remember that you are in control here.
I have not read HJNTIY..hmmm, should I?!
I will only hope for the best, my dear. I'm Miss Positive here:)
And it is definitely weird to write a blog about this stuff. It was a lot different when noone read it;)
A number of points.
1) As someone that is in the process of getting back together with an ex and having friends that also have some concerns about my clarity and sanity for considering such a venture, I applaude you for being brave enough to post about it.
2) I've been told that no one can tell you when to be done with someone. Even though we may know on some level someone is wrong for us, and our friends want to yell it from the roof tops he's bad for us, it's not until YOU are done, that it's done. If you end it prematurely you will always wonder and the chance for 'relapse' is very high. So, regardless of what we say here, you'll know when and if you're done with RCB.
3) I've not yet read HJNTITY - my aunt sent it to me. I have to wonder if the book is really just going to create more 'rules' for what I expect a man to do (I have plenty of them already) and whether it will just add to the neuroticism of my male-behavior-analyzing. Hence, I'm waiting to read it.
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