Downward spiral.

On a day when I had serious anxiety and doubts running through my head and heart regarding RCB and our non-situation, I did not need to see a long forgotten phone number flash across my cell phone screen in the middle of the workday.

It was Him.

And because I was sad and upset about RCB and what my imagination was telling me he was doing and who he was doing it with, I answered the phone.

I found myself agreeing it was okay for Him to stop by my office (he was "in the area") and to proceed to go out for coffee (our typical afternoon "date"). He walked into my office and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, commenting that I looked fantastic. Of course I do, Asshole.

We chatted a bit before we left for our usual haunt. He drove. With the top down and the wind blowing through my hair, the sun shining on our faces and Him sitting beside me, I thought, for one effing millisecond, that it was a nice feeling.

We got there and He ordered for me--something, of course, He thought I should try. Fine, whatever. It's coffee, not tequila. We sat and made small talk. I held my cards close, not telling Him anything of any substance or importance. It was not a bad experience, but it was not good.

The worst part of it all was that I sat there and just looked at Him. I looked at Him objectively, without the rush of adrenaline and the excitement of lust. I looked at Him as the man who I spent nine months mooning over, the man who, when asked to define what was going on between us, took the low road and said He couldn't. He could, I know. He just wouldn't.

It made me sad. Not sad enough to shed tears (at least at that moment), but sad. I looked across the table at Him and realized that, just over a year ago, I couldn't imagine living a day without talking to Him. I remembered how happy I would be to see Him or talk to Him or to even just think about him. And then I took stock of my feelings at that moment and realized how disparate they were from those of a year ago. And that is what made me sad. How one could go from having such intense feelings for someone and to have those feelings seemingly reciprocated to this: ambivalence.