I've been thinking.

…about what happened the other night and all of the “I should’ve known” repercussions. The unbelievable story has been told ad nauseam (because it’s just so good). I have heard countless “No way,” numerous “I’m not surprised,” several “are you effing kidding me” and more just plain old incredulous gasps than I can count.

I know everything about the situation is wrong (nothing about being with him was ever right), no matter what his original intent was in getting in touch with me after so long (I can assure you his motives were as impure as the result of our meeting). Damn him for defying all that Greg and Liz had so carefully and intentionally ingrained into my head. However, I can’t help but have a little, teeny part of me that kind of wishes that my idealistic and romantic aspirations had been met this time around. I mean, I would think that was only natural.

But then I remember. I remember what happened last time and I remember the information I have before me now; some would think I should’ve learned from my mistakes and not have gotten myself into this another time around. But I did.

At the very least, even if he is not “dating” The Hooker, he is spending time with her. And I know from experience that spending time with him more often than not involves the grown up kind of hanging out and alcohol.

A friend of mine told me that what he did wasn’t wrong, that he isn’t my boyfriend and didn’t purport to be. Because we did not have the “exclusivity” talk (we only had drinks! Sheesh!) he owed me nothing. He, just like I, is able to go out there and spend time with whomever he wants.

He doesn’t owe me an explanation, she’s right. But that still doesn’t make what happened okay. I don’t think that it would have bothered me nearly as much (I would go as far as to say even at all) if he was seeing other people and those people did not include Her; like if they were nice, normal girls like me, not the absolute complete opposite of me. But it was Her. The one who was around two years ago and the one who has, despite the ambiguity of her title, stuck around since then. Whether she’s his girlfriend or just a friend with benefits (FWB) I do not know.

And I can’t help thinking about it.

I would never assume that he would spend time with me and decide to forego any other dating/getting to know someone experiences. It’s just that less than six hours after he left my house, she was at his doorstep, ready for a weekend of fun and together time.

I know I’m better off and that he’s “always been and will continue to be a dog,” that I can’t ever trust anything he would ever say to me. It doesn’t keep me from feeling duped. And, LBH, jealous.