Playing With Matches

What started as a means of chronicling the online dating experiences of two picky yet adventurous almost thirty somethings has turned into a chronicle of all that is, was and has made up their collective dating histories. Our two original daters are now joined by several other fun, breezy, sassy gals, and Playing With Matches is now a missive on dating misadventures, a cacophony of ups and downs, turmoil and bliss. With a bit of snark mixed in here and there.

Friday, May 26, 2006

It's All About Me.

Maybe if I actually adopted this motto I'd have a better excuse for dating "failures." Whatever.

I was pleasantly surprised when I logged on to get my daily dose of TheBarmaid this morning and found I'd been tagged. I've finally made it in the blogging world!

In trying to come up with things about me that were "interesting" or "eccentric" I just realized that I am weird and OCD. But whatev. Enjoy. (I did seven, because I misnumbered and didn't want to delete any of my hard work).

And, Larissa, Objection and NotCarrie...you're it!

1. I am the queen of rationalization. Give me anything and I can make it okay. You want to buy that super cute black polka dot jacket from Nordstrom (even though you went shopping for the express purpose of buying only a new pair of jeans and lip gloss)? I can make you realize why it would be a million times worse not to have it than it would be to have it; I will create outfits for you with wardrobe pieces you don't even own. This ability comes especially in handy during the Easter season, when it becomes necessary to rationalize why a chocolate chip granola bar is not, in fact, a sweet/dessert (it’s granola...the chocolate chips are merely ingredients... you can eat it for breakfast, so it’s not dessert, per se).

2. I have the keen ability to recall what I had for dinner or what I (or others) were wearing on innocuous days from my childhood. The last time my brother threw up at the dinner table? We had Domino’s pizza, two of my cousins were over, there was no room at the table so I was standing at the kitchen counter and I was wearing the most awesome outfit ever: black stonewashed jeans with a red/yellow/green plaid waistband that matched the oversized tucked in button down and—get this—matching suspenders. I also had a cream colored silk headband with a large offset puffy bow.

3. Speaking of food, I have an insatiable need to know, read, watch everything I can about eating disorders (Lifetime movies especially included). I know facts about bulimia that would make your stomach turn. This is kind of paradoxical, as I am the last person in the world who would ever have an eating disorder as (1) I love food. A lot. (2) I do not have the willpower to be anorexic or an exercise anorexic (3) I hate to vom more than anything and cannot force myself to do so, even under the most necessary situations. In fact, a sub-interesting fact is that I can pretty much stick my whole fist down my throat. Ha, so appropriate to know for a dating website, huh?

4. Though almost (cough) 30, I have an unnatural affinity toward all things “teenager.” This especially includes teen melodrama, whether on the big (Um, yes I saw Stick It on opening weekend) or small (so what if I DVR Gilmore Girls every day) screen. If I could dress like a teenager (unsluttily, of course) I totally would.

5. Which leads me to my closet. Though not necessarily an overly neat or organized person, my closet would cause you to think otherwise about my OCD tendencies. Everything is arranged by season, color, length, type of clothing, all facing the same direction. If I close my eyes, I can picture my hanging beauties in my head. I know where everything goes. In college, I had the world’s greatest cedar walk in closet (it was bigger than my ghetto dorm room had been the year before). There was the perfect amount of space to hang up everything. And I did. I also happened to have a psycho roommate that year who enjoyed borrowing my clothes without asking. She’d try something on, decide she didn’t want to wear it, and put it back. I always knew, because though she tried, it was never “just right.” Don’t try to trick me, buddy. I’m on to you. To that end, I also have over 50 pairs of shoes, also separated by category and color (one of my favorite organizational purchases of late is the inserts you put into knee boots so that they retain their shape and so that you can hang them in your closet). This does not include the 20+ pairs of flip flops that adorn my feet for as long as possible (props to The Barmaid for this other similarity).

6. I am obsessed with things smelling good. I have a Glade plug in plugged into every socket of my house (sometimes of varying scents, so as to trick the nose). Every time a male walks into my home (which isn’t often, but still), the first comment is, inevitably, “wow, it smells like a girl lives here.” Correspondingly, I have more than a handful (okay, maybe even two) of perfumes from which to choose each morning (signature scent be damned). And about eight different kinds of deodorant (with back up in the car, in my purse, and in my desk drawer at work) in my medicine cabinet.

7. In the building where I work, there is a television in the lobby, set up kind of like they are in a hospital room (on one of those revolving wall/ceiling stands). Every time I walk to the bathroom I purposely walk under it and wonder what would happen if, at that moment, all the pieces that are keeping it on the wall decide to give way and it falls on my head.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Match.com is an Asshole.

I find it very interesting that, since my Match membership ended, my Match generated matches are appearing in my inbox more frequently. Where I used to receive two a week, I am now receiving three. And while, generally, I'd find one or two of the twelve men I found in my inbox to be attractive, now the number has risen to four or even five. Is Match trying to lure me back into its lair? What's going on here?

I'm not falling for it.

Friday, May 19, 2006

My Apologies...

...that Objection and I have been absent for so long. I'd like to say my reason is because I've been busy dating up a storm (ahem, Objection), but of course that is not the case. In fact, it's been quite the opposite. As you all know (if we, in fact, have any "fans" left), I was contemplating allowing my Match subscription to lapse once my three months were finished. That day, my friends, is tomorrow. I've informed the good people at Match that I am not interested in renewing my subscription (btw, once you do this, they try to trick you into renewing---like every time you sign on after you give them notice, this big "please renew me" screen pops up...and the buttons are huge! And then, way at the bottom, there's a "No thanks, just take me to my profile page." Conveniently created in an extremely small font directly underneath the "I'd like to renew" option so that, in case of a slip of the finger, you're signed on for three more effing months).

I am finished with this chapter in my dating life (and what a small chapter it was). Where I go from here is yet to be determined.

Do I try out the "see what happens" route, living life as usual and waiting for Mr. Right to fall into my lap?

Do I sign up for another online dating site so that I can be introduced to other individuals looking for love in cyberspace?

Do I find some single girlfriends and hit the town in search of the one?

I think I'm going to just go the "see what happens" road...it's less pressure. I hated the idea of meeting someone for the first time with the sole purpose of dating him. I mean, when you go on a Match date you know you're meeting a stranger so that you can decide if you want to pursue more. Too. Much. Pressure.

Don't worry, though...just because I'm no longer playing with matches does not mean I do not have stories to share. I have tons of stories, some more entertaining than others. Lessons learned, if you will. I will not leave you, dear readers. I will just be finding my inspiration in other ways...

Teaser: this upcoming week, for instance there is an event where it will be very likely that I will run into (hopefully not at the same time, but wonders never cease) the last two "men" who were lucky enough to get to hang out with me.

Don't worry, I'll be prepared.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Still No Saluting.

Here they are, as I know you've been anxiously awaiting them...

Red Flags 51-100.

51. Wwwaaahhhhh, he’s been really hurt in the past.
52. When you are sad, he tries to cheer you up by wearing your panties.
53. When you are sad, he doesn’t notice.
54. He has never read a book for pleasure. Or even at all.
55. Your brother knows his name but kindly refers to him as either “The Douche Bag” or “The Asshole.” Sometimes even “The Asshole Douche Bag.”
56. Despite the fact that you’ve been seriously dating for six months, his father doesn’t know you exist.
57. Despite the fact that you’ve been dating for six months, he doesn’t know you exist. Unless he’s drunk and it’s after midnight.
58. A male friend accompanies him when he shows up for one of your dates. Male friend proceeds to flirt with you.
59. He mentions friends of his with whom he thinks you would get along great—and not just as friends.
60. He emails you the link to the closed circuit camera system that shows views of his house.
61. He sends you an email or says something that obviously references something he only could have found by doing a Google search of your name.
62. Almost eight months into the relationship, he keeps a photograph of his ex girlfriend next to your bed.
63. After months of dating, he cannot name your favorite drink, food, song or restaurant.
64. He suggests talking to your girlfriends about your relationship with him so that you can get a better grip. Like you don’t already. And they don’t hate him.
65. You spend more time on the phone, sending text messages or IMing and emailing than you do together.
66. Even the most simple email exchange or a phone conversation is riddled with sexual innuendo. But no sex is being had.
67. He calls you from places where he is (the beach, concerts, etc) and says things like “you really need to come here some time with your friends.”
68. He is known only as “Red Flag So and So” to your friends. When you call him by just his given name their response is “Who??”
69. He has a wedding ring.
70. He has an ex-wife. Or two.
71. Before you start dating him, his former girlfriend states, " 'Red Flag So and So' is a great friend, but he's a terrible boyfriend."
72. You know and dislike his former girlfriend.
73. He promises to call you to make plans one night, but never does so. The next day, he explains that he didn't call because, "he has a girlfriend." A few weeks later, you go on your first date. You don't ask questions.
74. He admits that he's hooked up with another coworker but assures you, "it didn't mean anything."
75. He is allegedly single and condoms are a standard component of his shaving kit.
76. He doesn't discourage you from referring to your "relationship" as friends with benefits.
77. His best friend is coincidentally someone that you knew in college who was a total fraternity boy/ ass. Said best friend remains a total fraternity boy/ass.
78. Even though he's allegedly single, his best friend openly threatens to send photos of the two of you holding hands to the [not so] "ex" girlfriend.
79. When discussing his sexual history, he maintains he "can't remember" if he had sex with a certain girl, but he's "pretty sure" he did.
80. He thinks it's "cool" to wear his old high school baseball jacket (and yes, he's in his mid twenties at the time).
81. Your father can't stand him.
82. Neither can your mother.
83. Or anyone you know.
84. Running a criminal background check would reveal multiple criminal offenses (and those are just the ones that are actually on his record; your father is convinced there are juvenile offenses that have been expunged).
85. When he goes to the lake with your family, he has to purchase Under Armour to wear when swimming to hide the lopsided tattoo of a heart with the word "mom" in it that he has on his arm.
86. His best friend says to you, "It's a shame that 'Red Flag So and So' always hurts the people who care about him."
87. The only talk you've ever had is "pillow talk."
88. Despite the fact that you've been sleeping together for a semester and despite the fact that his fraternity is holding their biggest party of the year (to which each member can invite six guests), you are not one of women he selects to put on his list (though, he does tell you about the event a few weeks before and acts as if he'll invite you).
89. On your second date, he calls you prior to picking you up and says, "Let's just be realistic, you're sleeping over here tonight, right?"
90. He tells you he saves his Clinique Happy cologne to wear on rainy days.
91. He shaves parts of his body other than his face. And he’s not a swimmer.
92. He has an unnaturally close relationship with his sister (think Flowers in the Attic).
93. He sleeps on a futon and he’s not in college.
94. When he goes Dutch on the first date.
95. He uses Star Wars action figures as window treatments.
96. He plays Dungeons and Dragons.
97. “I hope you don’t mind, I did ‘shrooms before I came over.”
98. When he takes more time getting ready than you do.
99. When he gets his designer jeans tailored in the women’s department at Bloomingdales because the men’s tailor just doesn’t do a good enough job.
100. You are out of college and it is your anniversary. Your gift is a college alumni t-shirt (not even a sweatshirt!) and a lanyard.

No Need to Salute.

Red Flag: A statement, action, or character trait which should indicate that a given individual is not ideal relationship material.

This is the first in a two part series, "Red Flags: An Exercise in 'Issue' Spotting." Here, we examine red flags (in no particular order) observed over the entirety of our dating history. As always, the names and identifying features have been eliminated to protect the innocent (us) and the not so innocent (them).

Disclaimer: These are not all ours. Our fearless red flag spotting friends also contributed to the list (so as to protect the innocent even more).

And now...Red flags 1-50.

1. Two words: Oedipal complex.
2. There is a gun kept in the bedroom closet, and another one kept under the nightstand. Nothing says romance like firearms.
3. Shows up for the second date wearing fraternity letters (and yes, he was 28 and yes, this occurred less than 2 months ago).
4. You call him one day to find the following response when his voice mail picks up: “Hi, this is Red Flag So and So, I’ve left the country and will be back in six weeks. I’ll call you back when I return.” You talked to him the day before and knew nothing about this trip.
5. You date nine months before you find out he has another girlfriend. And she introduces herself to you. And he’s there, and he sees that the two of you are speaking and he doesn’t seem phased by it. At all. And she doesn’t say she’s his girlfriend.
6. He makes sexually suggestive comments at dinner. In front of your overprotective male relatives.
7. He’s the best friend of your “boyfriend” and has been since they were tykes.
8. “We really can’t continue to do this, so think about what you want. But if you want to keep hooking up and that’s it, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
9. You have, in the entire history of your “relationship” spent more time undressed than dressed, yet he insists, “it’s more than just sex.”
10. Two of your therapists have “diagnosed” him with serious psychological disorders without ever meeting him.
11. He loves himself. A lot.
12. He drinks nothing that is not alcoholic. Ever.
13. He drinks at lunch. On a workday. Every time you go out to lunch.
14. He keeps a wine opener in his desk drawer. In his office.
15. When he can’t find said bottle opener, he cleverly uses a mechanical pencil to open the wine bottle.
16. Alright, he has wine in his office.
17. He eats less than you do.
18. He seemingly has unlimited vacation time, as he always seems to be “taking a day off.”
19. When you ask him what his ex (wife, girlfriend, whatever) looks like he says, “You.”
20. You meet him when he is literally with someone he is seriously dating yet he flirts with and pays more attention to you and she sits there and acts like that is normal.
21. He calls you drunk from the metro station and, an hour later, shows up at your house in a cab that you end up paying for.
22. You’re invited on the family vacation and when the dinner bill comes they tell you what your individual share is.
23. He hires (and tells you that he did hire, as if there’s nothing wrong with it) a personal assistant who does (among other things, you suspect) for him the following (but not limited to these) tasks: changes the batteries in his remote control, sweeps the deck, puts the cover on the grill, gets his car washed and detailed…
24. He tells you right after the first time he kisses you that he can’t give you what you want/need/deserve. Ever. Because that’s obviously the opportune time to do so.
25. Prior to the commencement of your “relationship” he tells mutual friends, “I already f***ed [insert name of other woman known to both of you] and I’m going to f*** [insert your own name] next.”
26. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”
27. He has products and calls them products.
28. When you throw a fit one day and he calls you on it and says it is not becoming or in your character and then follows that up with, “Well, I’m coming to realize that all women have the tendency to be bitches.”
29. He tells you to stop thinking about him all the time. He knows you do it. Now he’s suddenly intuitive?
30. He only asks you to do things after you miss a phone call (or several) from him and he realizes you’re busy; ie you call him back and give your excuse (“I was at dinner”) and he says, “Oh, man, I was calling because I really wanted to go to [name of very expensive restaurant] and I wanted you to come with me.”
31. He has never crossed the threshold of your apartment door to enter your residence unless (a) he was intoxicated and/or (2) it was after midnight.
32. He plans for your future together. On the first date.
33. His last/present girlfriend is referred to by his group of buddies as “So and So the Hooker.”
34. He doesn’t have a job. And never has, the whole time you’ve “known” him. But still manages to go out all the time and pay the rent.
35. His “side jobs” involve being in the company of young women.
36. His idea of “hanging out” involves wearing no clothing. Since when does “Let’s hang out” mean “Let’s take off our clothes”?
37. He says he has to leave immediately because he has somewhere to be. At 5 am. On a Sunday.
38. You spend a lot of time talking to him, seeing him, hooking up with him during the workday but, come the weekend, you don’t hear a peep. See number 5.
39. Um, you hook up with him during the workday. And only during the workday.
40. He calls you from random, faraway and exotic locales…though you’re “dating,” you don’t even know that he’s left home turf. (Note: this is not the same gentleman as that of number 4.)
41. Pre “hanging out” he tells you of a “great t-shirt” he saw recently that said “Spitters are Quitters.”
42. His big night out is Sunday.
43. His Sunday night out starts with brunch.
44. He is not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t know if he ever will be.
45. He doesn’t “believe” in working.
46. He has multiple instant messenger names on the same instant messenger system.
47. You have been dating for months and have never met his friends.
48. He is inexplicably and irrationally afraid of any of the following: spiders, cats, insects, West Nile virus, and/or your father.
49. You are about 90% sure he’s gay when you first meet him.
50. Your friends (as well as his) refer to him as “Gay So and So.” And he knows it. And does nothing to refute it.