Playing With Matches

What started as a means of chronicling the online dating experiences of two picky yet adventurous almost thirty somethings has turned into a chronicle of all that is, was and has made up their collective dating histories. Our two original daters are now joined by several other fun, breezy, sassy gals, and Playing With Matches is now a missive on dating misadventures, a cacophony of ups and downs, turmoil and bliss. With a bit of snark mixed in here and there.

Friday, April 28, 2006

"What I Did for 'Love'"

So, upon reading Reluctant Dater's most recent blog, I was struck by her commentary regarding Sunday afternoons spent watching golf in anticipation of future conversation. This made me reflect upon my own dating history and topics in which I have pretended to possess an interest merely so that I could carry on a conversation.

1. NASCAR -- For those of you who actually know me, you realize how amusing this is. However, back in the day, I once dated a young man who did not meet with my mother's approval. In attempting to justify why this guy was a perfect fit, I stated, "Well, he likes NASCAR, and that's good...for Dad."

2. Fishing -- Um, yeah. I've never really fished, but the same NASCAR fan was also a fisheries major at VA Tech. I actually once watched a Saturday morning television show re: fishing during the time that this gentleman was of interest. That, my friends, is true love or desperation -- you be the judge.

3. Lacrosse -- Perhaps the earliest example of my dedication to "love." Yes, in high school my BF (who wasn't actually a true BF until college, but I hearted him even in high school), played lacrosse. And, in an attempt to win his affection, I decided to attend his lacrosse game...except, I didn't know the rules of lacrosse. So, wanting to appear savvy, I spent an hour or so perusing the rules of lacrosse in the library. Yeah, I'm crazy.

The bottom line, I think, is that we should be true to ourselves. That's not to say we don't adopt some of the interests of our significant others. After all, my mother can tell you all about the rules of ice hockey and can chat at length regarding the Red Sox. And, I am forever indebted to my father for imparting a tremendous sports knowledge upon me so that I can do the same. It's served me well. But, that doesn't mean that we should change ourselves. "To thine own self be true"...hey, I've never read Hamlet, but were you an English professor, I might try to convince you otherwise...Wait haven't I learned anything?

A Thing or Two to Add.

So, remember how after my last first date, I told you all that I had dated enough assholes and, because this guy was nice, I'd go out with him again if he asked?

I lied. I never had any intention of going out with him again.

I am sorry that I was not forthright with you. I just didn't want to seem like "that girl," the one who doesn't give someone a second chance because there isn't instant chemistry. But I am that girl and, as I've found through this whole process, there is nothing wrong with that. It is important for me to be myself. There are too many instances in my past where I've held back or said and done things so that the object of my affection at the time would like me more. I found myself watching golf tournaments on Sunday afternoons--not with him, mind you, but by myself, so that we would have something to talk about the next day (because, duh, "real" conversation justifies the rest of the relationship). I found myself saying things, doing things, and encouraging things I normally would not, so as not to look lame. In fact, not being myself made me lame. And, in the end, what good came from it?

Now, enough of a digression. As you are aware from my trusty friend Objection, my date yesterday was seemingly a success. He was on time. Polite. Cute. Friendly. Asked questions. Paid attention to my answers. He has smiling eyes.

And when I say I will go out with him again if he asks, I mean it this time. Now I just hope karma doesn't rear its ugly head and come bite me in the ass.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

A Potential Success.

So, this evening I spoke to Reluctant Dater after the conclusion of her date. Here is my take on why this first date was a bigger success than her last first date:

1. He paid (okay, yes we're modern, educated, young professionals, but LBH, we still like our doors to be opened and our wallets to stay in our uber cute purses);

2. He pulled out her chair and cleared the table when they were finished (they had coffee and sweet treats--his idea!);

3. They managed to have conversation about topics other than the weather; and

4. When I asked whether there were plans for future correspondence, RD responded, "Yes, and the thought of that does not repulse me as it did last time."

I could elaborate further, but I'll defer to RD. I'm sure she has a thing or two to add. However, as the date went well, perhaps she'll follow in my tradition and give as few details as possible. Only time will tell.

Unbelievable (or, Look How Far I've Come, Part I).

So since life here in the online dating world hasn’t been too exciting (at least on my end) lately, I thought I’d dredge up some stories from my own personal dating archives. In Friends fashion, let’s call this one “The One With the Inappropriate Suggestion.”

So you are all aware (simply by mention, no details necessary) of “The Rolly Chair Affair of ’04.” What you are not aware of is that this indiscretion (in so many ways) lasted a good six months (and produced many repeatable stories in addition to the tale I am presently telling). Those six months ended seemingly inexplicably. What had once been a “relationship” of daily correspondence and meetings turned into absolutely nothing. No contact whatsoever.

Fast forward eight months. I had not seen or spoken to said gentleman (or should I say boy) since he stopped communication. I see him at an event. I happen to be with another person, a person who subsequently and without trying to piqued his interest (and who, incidentally, turned into a Bad Idea eventually, as well…but another story for another time). Not three hours later, Rolly Chair Boy (RCB) shows up at my office door with the excuse that he was “in the area.” Whatever. He also brings me a bottle of water. Weird.

This started a few week long email correspondence that sort of kind of (but without rolly chairs) reminded me of old times. This correspondence quickly came to an end (this time by my own volition) when I received the following email (not verbatim, of course, and certain details were changed to protect the innocent):

RCB: So, if I recall correctly, I think we had planned on celebrating when you finished that big project of yours. Is it done?

Which prompted the following exchange:

RD: Yes.

RCB: Maybe I can come over with a bottle of [insert RD’s favorite hard liquor here] and we can celebrate.

RD: I don’t think that is a good idea.

RCB: [said specified liquor] is always a good idea.

To which he obviously got no response.

Active Status

So, as we all know, tonight Reluctant Dater is embarking on a first date with a gentleman she recently met on our Internet dating service of choice. In discussing this upcoming date, it occurred to me that I could not recall which young man was deemed to be worthy enough of RD to join her this evening. So, of course, I asked RD for the username of said gentleman. And, as I prepared to log into Match and do a little research, I had a moment of panic (well, not panic per se, but then I'm quite the fan of hyperbole).

Why "panic"? Well, if I log into Match all those who view my profile will see that I've been recently active. For you see, dear readers, I have not logged into Match in at least a week and a half. Why? Well, I've been occupied with EE and thus I've had little desire to scan the profiles of other young lads. And, were EE to glance at my profile today, Match would inform him that I had been active "within 2 weeks." This, I believe, demonstrates a certain level of interest in the potential object of my affection.

Of course, were EE to be on Match himself, and looking at my profile, he could hardly fault me for being recently active now could he? Hello Pot, said Kettle.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Another First Date.

Call me a glutton for punishment. Unlike Objection, who (though she hasn't told you, but I'll spill the beans) has plans for a sixth date this weekend, I have been less "lucky" on the dating front. Less lucky, overly picky, whatever.

But I have been corresponding for the past two weeks with a nice young gentleman. Our correspondence actually started over a wink, not a contrived, well-thought out, edited by friends email, such as all the others had. I believe, in fact, that I may have sent the first wink, something I generally do not do.

Here are other things I do not generally do that I have found myself doing with this individual:
  1. Replying when I feel like it and not waiting the "requisite" amount of time.
  2. Not overthinking every word and phrase.
  3. Not encouraging or instigating flirty banter, filled with veiled references to things in his profile.
  4. Not caring that his profile is short and to the point and not detailed at all--to the point where I don't really know all that much about him or his likes/dislikes from reading it.
  5. Not caring that, in the five or so sentences he does manage to put out there, there are three grammatical mistakes.
  6. Adopting a laissez-faire attitude and not stressing out about the impending coffee date.

Maybe all of the restrictions I had put on myself (intentionally or not) were keeping me from truly experiencing this online dating thing as it should be experienced. Maybe my high maintenance approach to finding an online "match" was a hindrance. I had been lured in by the looks of one individual (who reminded me of someone I should not have been remembering) and was entranced by this affable man who responded to my sassy emails with the appropriate amount of banter. Despite my inner voices saying this was a very base "relationship" we had going, I kept up the correspondence, despite many red flags (including but not limited to: (a) "I might be moving in a couple months, so I"m not looking for anything serious" (b) "Sorry for the delay in responding, I have been having ex issues" (c) "You're awesome and we obviously have a rapport, but let's hold off meeting" (d) not to mention the accusatory "why do you keep checking out my profile").

I continued to start off my online relationships with similar types of emails. While the rapport online was amazing, it did not transfer well to the real world. In real life, it is less easy to have the witty comebacks and references when you don't have time to think of them and/or the Internet at your fingertips. You have to perform. And while I am obviously capable of this type of performance (surprising, even to me), these men who were seemingly savvy over my computer screen were not so much IRL.

What this diatribe comes down to is this: I'm a bit nervous about this upcoming date, as the "relationship" (for lack of a better word) has not started in the traditional Reluctant Dater fashion (it is, at this point, that I will admit that those in my recent dating history were also privy to my email genius and, truthfully, were lured in as much by my written word as my outer beauty). But, as a good friend of mine pointed out, "Well, the other way hasn't exactly worked out. Let's just consider this another angle and see how it goes."

Cyberstalking.

As if we didn't have enough venues to do "internet research" on potential mates, there is now a device to check on your potential online paramours. Equipped only with an online dating handle, you can (if you're lucky enough) check out those in whom you are interested on www.truedater.com. This website allows you to write and read reviews about online daters. All you have to do is pick the dating site and then type in the person's user name and voila! If someone has written a "review" of the person, it will appear. Free membership allows you to post reviews, as well. Don't go overboard, though, and write one about yourself. That would be OTT for sure.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Fear Not Dear Readers, Objection Returns

So, I'm sure everyone has been frustrated by the lack of blogging this week. I apologize profusely for my failure to update our dedicated readers on the very "exciting" details of my Internet dating life. So, without further delay, I will provide the commentary you so desire. Or, will I? I find that it is difficult for me to blog regarding the good dates. I do not hesitate to provide details regarding ridiculous e-mails. I do not pause before posting negative comments regarding pathetic profiles. But, the good dates are problematic.

Why is this the case?

One could argue that it's more entertaining to write about the failures than the successes. It's certainly easier to come across as amusing when discussing the negatives, especially when one's humor tends to revolve around sarcasm (as mine tends to do). Yet, I'm pretty confident that the real reason I tend to shy away from blogging about the good dates/experiences is because I'm paranoid. Yes, I'm always convinced that somehow, despite the many many security measures utilized on Playing With Matches, the potential object of my affection will stumble across this blog, recognize himself, and be a little less than amused by it all.

So, we'll leave it at this. Date number 5 has been scheduled. Details TBA...maybe. And, dear potential object of my affection, should you read this...just know that I'm having an excellent time.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Reluctant Dater's Recent Dating History

To give you a better idea (and Objection and I are obviously making up for lost time, today, with these multiple postings):

Three years ago today I was involved with my job.

Two years ago today I was involved in what my friends have dubbed “the rolly chair affair.”

One year ago today I was involved with the antithesis of what I thought I wanted—older, lots of baggage, willingness to hang out but unwillingness to admit in any way, shape or form that we were. Did I mention the baggage?

Today I am involved with my computer.

No Mom, I Did Not Open Drawers to Check Out Furniture Quality

Okay, so the update you've all been waiting for...I'm sure you could think of nothing else over the weekend than the potential outcome of my Friday night date (BTW, if this is the case really it might be time to step away from the computer). Much to my mother's dismay, I did not check the furniture quality. A good time was apparently had by all as date number 4 has been scheduled. Details and further commentary to follow...

Dear Reluctant Dater,

Hi. While your subscription has almost come to a conclusion, I still have a bit more time remaining to play with matches. This is because it took a bit of convincing to get me to agree to do this (do we recall the Sunday when you forced me to sit down at the computer and draft a profile?) and also because of technical difficulties. Fear not dear readers! We shall continue our journey through the world of on-line dating -- if for no other reason than for your entertainment.

BFF,
Objection aka Princess 1

Dear Objection,

Hi. Is our three months almost up? The novelty is wearing off quickly.

BFF,
Reluctant Dater

PS I guess we should be sure to tell our legion of fans that, once the Match gig is up, we will be trying our hand at other online dating ventures, so they shouldn't worry.

Friday, April 14, 2006

The Unanticipated Response

As a child I was raised in a very conservative and sheltered household. For example, I was not allowed to watch PG-13 movies until I turned 13 and even then, only with parental approval. I could not pierce my ears until I was 12. Once I was old enough to go out with boys (I intentionally refrain from using the word "dating" because LBH, very few people from my high school dated), a whole new host of rules came into play. Boys had to pick me up at the door and must be introduced to my parents prior to going out. Once I returned home, I was not permitted to sit in the driveway with said suitor because goodness only knows what could transpire in a car parked in my parents' driveway.

My mother is a Southern lady. She's like a living, breathing Emily Post always put together, always proper, and always looking like she just walked off the pages of a Talbot's catalogue. So, I've been amazed at how supportive she's been of the whole Internet-dating phenomenon. But, never was a more surprised than today. Tonight, I'm going on date number 3 with EE. Yes, and the venue for this particular date is none other than EE's home. My friends have expressed some concern about this, and perhaps with good reason...After all, how well do I know EE? But, my mother has been inexplicably supportive of this plan. Today, I received the following e-mail from my mother:

"Have a good time - be careful. You might want to open a drawer to see if the furniture is of quality!"

No, I'm not kidding.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Maybe I'm Naive...

...and an optimist (which, I understand, is at odds with my cynicism), but hmmm, I don't know...when someone asks you out on a date, shouldn't they follow up and actually continue communication so you can have said date?

Enter Bob (his name has been changed to protect him, though I'm not sure why we're being nice to him). Bob is cute. Bob thinks I'm cute. Bob sends a preliminary, non-generic email. I respond. Due to my propensity to hide, my profile is unavailable when Bob decides to look at me again. Bob calls me on this. I apologize, unhide. I hide again, coincidentally when Bob is looking for me. Bob asks where I've gone. Because of this behavior, Bob's name becomes "Stalker Bob." (Red flag presently being hoisted on the flagpole).

You'd think I'd be deterred...but, alas, I am slightly intrigued. In another email, Stalker Bob asks if I'd like to meet. He even gives options of what we can do. Unfortunately, my popularity gets the best of me last week (time proposed for date) and I can't make it. So I write him and tell him so (and why) and propose other times (so as not to look disinterested). He writes back and says my days will work for him, but he has a [endearing to women] commitment [which raised some more red flags] early in the week--he's not sure when--but he'll get back to me.

That was a week ago.

Now, when did it become okay for a guy to ask a gal out on a date and then ignore her. I mean, I've been out of the "real" dating world for a while (was I ever really in it?) and, well, I didn't think this behavior all of a sudden became okay.

As Objection so aptly stated, "nothing good could come from someone we had already dubbed Stalker Bob."

Dare I Say It?

Yes...we have plans for date number 3. Details to follow.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Recap of E-Correspondence, Part II

Following in Objection's footsteps (and because some of this is too good to keep to myself):

  1. A second email from a gentleman who I had previously ignored (see reasons intimated below by Objection), asking me (get ready for this) if I would like to spend his birthday with him (after saying, in the same email, "I'm already liking you a lot!!!!" [points for making it two words]). He apparently thought the world of me (which is fine--great, even...but from my profile? It's a very atypical one and surely you cannot get to know me from its words) and thought he'd like to spend his big day with me. Now, my first reaction was "OMG, this is so weird/I already ignored this guy what is he thinking/wow." I then proceeded to feel very, very bad for this man. Resorting to asking someone you don't even know to spend time with you on your birthday? It almost made me cry. Almost.
  2. I have had numerous emails where people try to guess my ethnicity. I mean, that's all that is contained in the email. It's like a geography showdown, a list of incongruent worldy locales that have nothing to do with who I am. Dark haired, dark eyed beauties beware: if you don't put your ethnicity down on your profile (a mere oversight on my part, but now its absence is amusing me) men might find it to be a legitimate conversation starter.
  3. Verbatim: "Hi there nice profile,i'm pretty impressed love your pics you look awesome,how are you doing today?"
  4. And an excerpt: "Read my profile,. look at my photo, and ask your self...do you feel lucky...i mean, do you like?" Um, ew. And, no.

Recap of E-correspondence

So, the "fun" continues. Over the past week or so, I've received a few e-mails from eligible bachelors thanks to my Internet-dating service of choice. Here are a few highlights:

1. One man e-mailed me and commented how much he liked my profile. He then proceeded to explain that he was really just looking for a "friend with benefits." Um, it's called an Internet dating service. Thanks.

2. I received an e-mail this morning from a man who apparently had e-mailed me previously. I had ignored said first attempt at correspondence. Now if I e-mail someone, and they do not respond I assume that the individual is not interested (his loss) and I soon forget about him. Well, apparently this guy (aka stalker) believes that persistence pays. His latest correspondence asked if I were playing hard to get. Hard to get? Yeah sure, that's it.

3. Another e-correspondence was received from a man who has a fascinating profession associated with one of my primary hobbies. Unfortunately, he did not include a photograph. Also, his e-mail was a little creepy (but as Reluctant Dater pointed out creepy "in an intriguing way"). Now, if he'd included a photograph, I could have determined whether or not I should be afraid of him merely by his appearance (JUST KIDDING!).

Ah Internet dating...Bringing adventure to your inbox.

Monday, April 10, 2006

How Things Change...

So this afternoon I thought I'd let Match do the searching for me. I was tired of putting in my search criteria and getting the same list of people I always get. So, I used the "reverse search" option which gives you 50 pages of people (and it's always 50 pages) who are allegedly looking for someone just like you.

As I was browsing, I ran across someone we will call JSmith. Now, his real Match persona name was a bit less "common" (in fact, it was very uncommon, which is how I knew that it was him). Him. The boy I had a crush on for the better part of elementary school. The boy who I sat behind in the sixth grade and just stared at. The boy I watched play tetherball on the playground, the one who I let get me out when we played 4-square, the one who gave me goosebumps when he picked me (albeit last) to be on his crab soccer team in PE. The boy who had the Vision Street Wear high tops. The boy with the spiked hair who declared to me--confided in me--one wonderful day in the cafeteria, that he would never have any other hair style. Be still my eleven year old heart.

So, of course, I had to hide and go look at him (what if I didn't hide and he saw I looked and he recognized me? Eek!)...and what I found was quite interesting. As Objection said when presented with this news (and after checking out his profile), "I couldn't believe the profile...for any number of reasons." He still looks exactly the same, though now--18 years later--I don't see what I ever saw in him. We have nothing in common--and, admittedly, didn't then, either. All those days spent daydreaming about him, writing my name with his last name on the inside of my paper bag book covers...

Now, if I still had the taste of an indiscriminating sixth grader who liked the bad boy skateboarder who never did his homework, this would be fate. But, alas, my taste has matured. And I appreciate someone who studied for his spelling tests way back when. It would've made his future internet dating profiles much more palatable. If only he'd known then...

And, I'm through dating liars. His hair is not still spikey.

Guilt.

I confess: I may not have been straightforward with some of my Match suitors. I may have exchanged an email or two with them before deciding (1) they creeped me out (2) we peaked over the second email exchange (3) I was mistakenly interested.

I guess I'm feeling more guilty about the way I handled the situation(s). Instead of just coming out and saying something to the effect of "I don't think this is going to work," I play the passive aggressive card. Where I used to respond within hours, it now takes me days (or, sometimes, eternity). I also shy away from my usual (and generally highly regarded) sassy and flirtatious email banter voice and get straight to the point (the point, sadly, not being that I am no longer interested but, rather, a response to specific questions posed in their previous email). Is this mean? Absolutely. Uncommon practice? Highly unlikely. Better than being told flat out the interest level has waned? Debatable.

I'm feeling guilty. My guilt is selfish.

I feel like, because I've "rejected" these people, I can't go online for fear that they'll see me online and know, without a doubt, that I have ignored--and continue to ignore--their emails. But, people ignore mine all the time, so I guess it's a two way street. And, seriously, if they're stalking me and noticing when I'm online and when I've been online, then maybe I have bigger problems about which to worry.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

To My Adoring Fans

Excellent second date....dare I say it? Hoping for a third...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Refill Request Not a Fatal Flaw

Okay dear readers...Here's the update you have been waiting for (or perhaps you actually could care less, but I'm going to fill you in anyway). Apparently, my decision to ask for a refill during my first date with EE was not a fatal flaw. I will be joining EE for dinner this evening. I will, of course, make sure that this time we are seated inside...which shouldn't be an issue as it is raining today in the District. Please, stay tuned for further updates.

Apples and Oranges.

This online dating thing is helping me to realize, once again, that women and men are like apples and oranges. Or from different planets (Mars and Venus, if you will). We just do not think the same way or do things the same way. Our protocols for dating are extremely disparate and, I've found, this only leads to confusion. Say, for instance, I was me (not much of a stretch, I know) and I go out with someone who I feel I could potentially grow to like a little bit more...maybe even a lot more. After the date do I:


a. thank him and tell him I'll talk to him soon
b. think about him constantly
c. think about how cool it would be if it were "okay" to email/text/call him the next day (even waiting that long is too long) to thank him
d. email/text/call him the next day
e. think nothing, he should be thinking of me

Now, if you're me, it would be a combination of (a), (b) and (c) (and it can be, this is my test). Guys, I think, tend to not think about anything. I think they do what they want, when they want, without thinking about how it will affect the future (and that of our children).
Now, let's say I did send the first correspondence after the date. And let's say I wasn't sure if the person felt the same way. He hasn't responded to my email (it has only been about seven hours). Do I:

a. assume he's busy at work or with other things and accept that he has a 24-36 hour window in which to respond before I freak out
b. call him
c. send another email, saying that I've been having email issues and just wanted to make sure he got the last one
d. not think about it--if he doesn't like me, his loss

Again, if it were me, I'd do (a). Why is it, though, that men often (and sometimes creepily, only because girls don't like over-attention so early on in the game) think it's okay to call? And, if the girls don't answer the phone, what does that say to them? When will his next attempt be, now that he has an unanswered email and an unanswered phone call?

Based on previous postings and the comments they've received, it is quite obvious how differently the sexes approach the online dating thing, generally, and regular dating, specifically. The whole decision on whether or not to hide, the constant checking of profiles, the repeated emails to a stranger who obviously has not written you back in the past, the varied and non-discriminate "requirements" for a potential date/mate...these all just prove my point.

Now, if men and women behaved the same and accordingly, and we (being the women) had no opportunity to analyze and anticipate their next move then, LBH, the whole dating experience would lose some of its fun and luster. I think we thrive on the fact that they are so different and we don't have a set of "rules" by which they will act. They're such anomalies that it adds to the "fun." And it gives us something to talk about. And over which to obsess.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A Request for Interpretation

I excel at the art of email correspondence. I also am quite accomplished at what I like to call "e flirting." I pride myself on these skills. Through a recent flirtatious "relationship" established over many months of email exchanges (a "relationship" not originating from an online Internet dating service I would like to add), I have established the following basic rules of e flirting:

1. When attempting to be sarcastic, always indicate that intent so that the recipient does not think you are being mean. This may become less necessary as the object of your e flirting becomes more accustomed to your sense of humor.

2. Always include a few questions within the text of your email. This serves several purposes. First, it gives the recipient a reason to respond. Secondly, it demonstrates that you actually care about the other party.

3. Long emails can be indicative of interest. While short emails may or may not indicate disinterest (because LBH, we are professionals, we do have careers, and sometimes we cannot spend hours crafting responses), longer emails generally do indicate one "likes" the prospective recipient.

Now, I have been corresponding as of late with a fellow Internet dater we'll call "my new boyfriend" (hereinafter "MNB") even though he's not "really" my new boyfriend (yet). Based on his profile, he seems to be perfect...the male version of me if you will. So we've been emailing back and forth a bit. The first few exchanges included questions. And then, I received the most recent correspondence. It's very long...so that seems to bode well. Why spend a lot of time on an email if you have no interest in the recipient? But, it's pretty much sans questions...which is interesting. Am I only to respond to his own commentary? By failing to ask questions, does this mean he really doesn't want to receive a reply? And then there's a sentence which alludes to future emails...saving a story for another time...which to me implies a desire to continue correspondence.

So because I am interested in receiving feedback, I'll be quite clear....I'll ask you (faithful readers and friends) the following questions:

  1. Is he interested or not?
  2. Does he really want a response?
  3. Does his failure to ask questions indicate some sort of character flaw (for example, is he self centered)?
  4. And, most importantly am I (as I think I may be) simply overanalyzing?

Safety First.

Apparently, our friends at Match.com are concerned about our safety. So much so, in fact, that they have a list of safety precautions.

And here they are:

1. Start Slow. They say some people may be too good to be true. They must be thinking about that one guy—you know, the one who volunteered in the Peace Corps, helped revive an African village’s main crop, who likes to take unexpected weekend road trips and likes sitting around on Sunday morning reading the paper at Starbucks. His best friend is his best friend’s young child because he recognizes the importance of a child’s innocence. He’s the one who wants to travel the world and take you with him because you are and always will be his best friend/confidante/lover/princess.

2. Guard You Anonymity. Tell that to the guy(s) who just send me their cell phone numbers so I can give them a call so we can meet up and chat because I’m awesome and it’s obvious we have a lot in common.

3. Exercise Caution and Common Sense. I just have to copy what they say, it’s too good not to: “Careful, thoughtful decisions generally yield better dating results. Guard against trusting the untrustworthy; suitors must earn your trust gradually, through consistently honorable, forthright behavior. Take all the time you need to test for a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance, and don’t fall in love at the click of a mouse. Don’t become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online. If you mutually decide to cross the point of no return, be smart and protect yourself. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provide some of the most current information available about sexually transmitted diseases and preserving your health.”

4. Do A Little Digging (a.k.a. be a stalker).

5. Request a Photo. Amen to that. They say to do it because pictures allow you to have a gut reaction. Um, exactly. And sadly, a gut reaction may cause you to decline further electronic advances. But that’s the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose.

6. Chat on the Phone. I’d recommend this, too…however, good phone and email chemistry does not guarantee a good personal/physical chemistry. See blog about Date #1.

7. Meet When YOU Are Ready. I actually had someone ask me, in an email, if it was too soon to meet. Aww, how cute, right?

8. Watch For Red Flags. This one is written for me. I think it should say “Do not IGNORE red flags.” I watch for them all the time. I acknowledge them. Then I take them and put them right up on my flagpole.

9. Meet in a Safe Place. Tell 100 friends where you are going (and what you will be eating). Don’t feel bad about saying you’ll meet him there, as that allows you to leave on your own and immediately dial abovementioned friends to tell them all about the date. “When the timing is appropriate, thank your date for getting together and say goodbye.” Haha, no making out.

10. Take Extra Caution Outside Your Area. Whoa whoa whoa…people really do meet people in other cities. Sordid! Adventurous!

11. Get Yourself Out of a Jam. I don’t run away or excuse myself to the bathroom. No, my friends, my MO for getting out of a situation quickly is to give off my famous vibe. You know, the one that says, “I’m nice and polite but I don’t want to make out with you now or ever.”

Nice how the majority of the “advice” given in this article centers around reminding you to use your best judgment. Way to put the impetus on us to decide whether a situation is safe. Talk about CYA.

I Couldn't Make This Up If I Tried

Sometimes I feel guilty when I do not respond to the unsolicited e-mails of individuals on Match. This morning, I received such an e-mail in which the "gentleman" explained he liked my profile. He then proceeded to say he's looking for a "friend with benefits." Um, hello. This is an Internet dating service. That means you want to date someone...not just hook up with them. Does this guy seriously think I'll be impressed by his "candor"? This would be one of the situations where I do not feel guilty about not responding.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Another Public Service Announcement from Princess 1

So, in a recent article, the good people at Match.com attempted to assist Match participants in displaying the perfect profile photo. And, LBH, based on some of the photos I've observed, this may be in order. I'm not sure why men think it's okay to pose with obvious ex-girlfriends or in various states of intoxication, but hey...they do. Match addresses the following areas of concern:

1. Lighting
2. Direct Eye Contact
3. Clothing Selection
4. Posing for a Closeup Shot
5. Touch Ups

Sadly, the list above hardly touches upon what I see to be the greatest issues in profile photograhs. Rarely have I looked at a Match photo and thought to myself, gosh that lighting really should be a little less direct. So in the interest of public service, I provide the following advice for those of you who are considering posting a photo:

1. Wear a shirt...I mean, seriously. I don't care how frequently you work out or how "cool" you look on that beach in the Caribbean.

2. Don't pose with kids. Yes, you look adorable posing with your niece/god daughter/random and extremely photogenic child ...Absolutely adorable. But then, we fall for the trick, we e-mail with you, and you end up ultimately ignoring us and we realize you are not nice. So, don't even try to pretend you are nice by posing with children.

3. Don't pose with cats. Cats are not masculine. If you have a cat, fine...but don't submit a photo of yourself with said cat.

4. Don't submit Glamour-shot type photos. If you are wearing the same outfit in every shot and are posed in a variety of unnatural ways with a very neutral and non-descript background, I'm going to realize you went to the mall and had photos done for your profile. I appreciate the "effort", but it's a little over the top.

5. Don't submit photos in which you are posing with a group of guy friends. This confuses me. Because I don't "know" you it can be tricky to pick out who you are. Also, frequntly I might think your guy friends are cute too and wonder -- now why aren't they on Match? So if you must pose with guy friends, at least attempt to pose with guy friends who are unattractive. (I'm kidding here BTW).

I would further note that the article does not address the issue of utilizing DMV photographs for purposes of profile shots. As we've seen, perhaps they should have cautioned against this...obviously some people, seem to think this is a good idea. But, you all know my thoughts on this topic already.

Why We're Still Single...

We being the royal we, not just me and Objection.

Larissa has done a great job of compiling reviews of one of the latest and greatest dating tomes, Unhooked Generation. Take a look and see what her blogger book reviewing buddies have to say. And, if you're a bookish nerd, maybe you'll go and get a copy for yourself. Never can have too many of these kinds of books (I refuse to say self-help) at your disposal (but not on your bookshelves, that would be embarassing).

He Speaks the Truth.

From an old[er] man who lives hundreds and hundreds of miles away. In its entirety: "Wow you are so adorable."

I know, right?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The First First Date.

I'm back. And I'm alive. I survived a first date with a stranger (we'll call him Date #1). It wasn't dreadful. But, it wasn't a love match.

Now, I'm sure there are some of you out there in experienced dating land (or the land of judgment) who will say that I can't decide something like this after one date, especially after Date #1 and I had good phone chemistry and good email chemistry. To you I say this: It is easy for me to talk to people when I don't have to look at them and I am very good with the written word/email flirting. Like brilliant.

There was zero chemistry (at least on my end). Now, some of you will also say that chemistry is something that can grow. To you I say this: though my last several "relationships" all went down in flames, there was palpable chemistry within seconds of our respective first meetings. So much so that, cliche as it sounds, I could feel it. And outsiders could sense it and would often comment on it. So, I unfortunately know that it is possible to have immediate chemistry. Some, I know, would call this lust. Call it whatever you want, but whatever idiom you choose was not there tonight.

But there was conversation about the weather (Weather! What would Dr. Phil say??) and work (Bo-ring). There was some silence. There was forced conversation.

This isn't to say that it was all bad. I mean, Date #1 was a nice guy. If he were to call and ask me on another date (and, LBH, I'm not sure that he will), I'd say yes because God knows I've given enough assholes (see last several relationships, above) numerous (numbering in the hundreds, perhaps) of chances, overlooking the asshole-ness. It's not fair to not give a nice guy another chance.

There are obviously really picky things that I also made note of throughout...I won't share them, but I will admit that they crossed my mind. It's important to know, my dear readers, that despite my apparent cynicism throughout the course of this blog thus far, I am very willing to make things "work" and to put myself out there--which, six months ago or even six weeks ago never would have been part of my personal agenda--and to not let little things derail a possible relationship, of any sort; the mere fact that I am (1) doing this and (2) sharing my [mis]adventures is proof of this (she says, as she steps off the defensive soapbox).

I will also admit that I know that much of the time I was comparing Date #1 to certain other people. But, though those "other people" contributed to bad relationships, they also put some good things out there (or else I wouldn't have stuck around). And, isn't that the whole point of dating? I mean, aren't you supposed to take the good and take the bad (stop singing the Facts of Life theme) and learn what you want and what you don't want?

Tonight's tally:

The good = delicious dinner and dessert, getting another first date out of the way, meeting someone new, taking the next step in a Match.com "relationship," doing something I didn't think I'd ever do.

The bad = no palpable chemistry, non-engaging conversation, a "this was fun, we should do it again" end to the evening.

Take them both and there you have...that's left to be seen, I suppose.

Monday, April 03, 2006

The Time Has Come.

Following in the footsteps of Objection, I have a date tomorrow (but, obvi, not with the same guy…I mean, we copy each other, but not to that extent). Said date called last night and we talked for an hour…thank goodness for DVR and OnDemand, or I may not have answered the phone. It was a good conversation, very easygoing, no awkward silences, lots of laughter. Bodes well for tomorrow, I suppose.

I’ll admit, I’m a bit nervous. Here’s the deal. I hate going on dates with people I don’t know. Huh, you might be saying…that makes no sense, I know. Generally, people date people they don’t know. I am quite the opposite. I typically date people I already know, those who are my friends already or on their way to being my friends or friends with people with whom I am friends (note: “date” is used very loosely here). It’s weird how it has so consistently happened this way, but it has. Before the first “date,” there has always been a good getting to know you period. Maybe that is the common denominator in all these failed relationships.

This is not to say I’ve never gone on dates with people I don’t know. Let me take you back in Reluctant Dater’s history, to a time when another friend convinced her that Speed Dating was a good idea.

It was not.

From that experience (20 dates in an hour!) I wrangled myself two dates. These two were the lesser of the evils. On date #1, I knew from the moment he walked into the restaurant that it wasn’t going to be fun or worthwhile. The conversation was agonizing. He had bad table manners. He did not know what lobster bisque was. I had to decline an offer for dessert (and I heart dessert a lot, especially at the restaurant where we were dining) and said these exact words: “I really need to leave within the next five minutes because The Bachelor is on at 9.” And so it went.

The next one was even worse. I should’ve known when he told me dinner would be at TGIF that something was awry. Um, TGIF at the mall, no less. So I get there first (of course) and he walks in and I don’t even recognize him because it’s been kind of a long time since we met. He’s shorter than I thought. Damn speed dating and its “sit down and chat” concept. So five minutes into our dinner conversation he finds out I’ve never been to Spain. He then proceeds to say “Oh, I’ll take you there in the spring. We’ll have the best time.” No we won’t, because I am never going out with you again. The whole rest of the date consisted of him making plans for our future together. Now, I know I’m a catch, but come on, Buddy. The next day happened to be New Year’s Eve. He asked my plans. I told him I had some (I kind of sort of did) and he insisted I meet him for a drink beforehand. I politely declined. He kept saying “if you change your mind” and “if your plans change” and comments to that effect. Finally, finally, finally the date was over. I was free.

Until midnight the next night when he called (I didn’t answer) and said “Happy New Year! I really can’t wait to spend lots and lots of time with you this year. I hope you’re having a great night. Call me later.” Um, I’ve never called you before. I’m not going to call you. You are freaky and creepy and scary. Whatever happened to “where’d you go to school” or “where’d you grow up”?

The worst part was, I did “break up” with him (I say that because obviously we were in a relationship…to him) over email and he just did not get it. He kept calling. And emailing. And calling. And emailing. Finally the poor kid got the picture.

Here’s to hoping this date goes at least a little bit better than either of those.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Banner Match Day.

It's a good thing that I have a healthy attitude about this whole Internet dating thing. I mean, I think it became very apparent this afternoon that I will most likely not be meeting my future husband via Match. Today has been a banner day. Let's see, where should I begin...

Why not start with the email I received from the 55 year old man. Yes, that's right. 55. Um, he could be my father. And, perhaps the most concerning aspect of said email was that his profile clearly stated that he was looking for women as young as the age of 21.

Then, of course, there was the wink I just received from the nice young gentleman who utilized his Virginia driver's license photo as his primary profile picture. How did I know this was the case? Well, could it be the hologram of the state of Virginia against the bright blue background?

Now, I know it can be challenging to post photos. Had it not been for the kindness of friends and the technical skills of Reluctant Dater, I would still have a profile sans photo. But, would it ever occur to me to utilize a driver's license photo? No. And, LBH, if you went to the trouble of scanning and posting a driver's license photo, couldn't you also scan in an alternative and non government issued photo?

Why am I doing this again? Oh, yes. Purely for entertainment purposes. Mine and, lucky for you, yours.

Wonders never cease.

I just received this email from objection. It was too good not to share.

"i just received an email from a guy who used his VA driver's license photo as his profile picture. how do i know this you might ask? because i can clearly see the outline of VA (the hologram on the license) reflecting in the photo. oh my god...i am SO not finding a husband this way."

"I think we would get along good."

The entire text of an email I received today. Wow.

Do you really? How good? And, do you think I could teach you to (1) say more and (2) speak better English? Why couldn't you have just left it at "I think we would get along"--I mean, that's generic but at least it's a tad better.

(And, before any criticisms come a-flying, English is not his second language.)

He also has his shirt off in his picture. And is 25.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Like Me??

Note: this is an addendum to Objection's post below.

So, after she and I conversed about the "See more like him" feature, I was slightly inspired. What the heck, I thought. I'm going to check out my "competition." I went to my own [um, awesome] profile and clicked on the "See more like her" option...just to see who the nice folks at Match.com were pitting me against.

Apparently, there are eight pages of women who are "like" me. In what way(s), I'm not really sure. Aside from the fact that they're female and are looking for a male counterpart,
  1. Few of them are the same age as I.
  2. Few of them live anywhere near where I live.
  3. Many of them have glamour shots and botoxed lips.
  4. Some of them don't even live in the same state as I.
  5. None of them have profiles as witty and intriguing as mine.

This makes me a bit nervous. And, whose profiles lead to me? Did one of my suitors find me using this option?

Continuing the Shopping Analogy.

Recently, while chatting with Reluctant Dater, I became aware of a feature on Match certainly worthy of some attention. This feature is referred to as "See More Like Him." Allow me to explain. Let's say you conduct a search and find a guy of interest. You click on said guy's profile and peruse it. At the conclusion of the profile, Match gives you the option to "See More Like Him."

As Reluctant Dater and I discussed this feature, I was struck with the knowledge that I had seen this same feature in another context. But where? And then, I realized why this concept was so familiar. I'm sure all of you fellow bookworms have already guessed where I'm going with this: Amazon.com. When attempting to select that perfect next novel, Amazon will show you other books similar to those in which you've expressed an interest. Match.com seems to have adopted this concept...and, admittedly it may be a bit concerning. People, unlike books, are not fungible. And, while one person may be similarly interested in two books about cupcakes, it is not logical to conclude that one person may be similarly interested in two guys just because they both like long walks on the beach and golf.

Am I somewhat surprised that picking a future significant other is not unlike shopping for reading material? Not at all. My counterpart, Reluctant Dater, compared online dating to shopping in a previous blog entry. And, as I excel in the art of shopping, I have no doubt that I can become equally skilled in this new form of shopping. I refuse, however, to look at the clearance rack.

The Update You've Been Waiting For.

Fear not dear readers. I was not abducted by my date of Thursday night. Nor have I run off to Vegas to marry him. No, alas, I was merely swamped with work yesterday and did not have a moment to recount the events of the prior evening. Leaving one's office at 8:45 on a Friday night is not very conducive to dating.

So, the date. I met said environmental engineer for "coffee and conversation" (thank you Match.com) after work on Thursday. The evening started out as a lovely, warm early spring evening in the District. Seated outside at a trendy D.C. cafe, we chatted, moving with relative ease from topic to topic. Seemingly, he found me amusing and LBH, I can't date someone who does not. We imbibed coffee, we ate dessert, all seemed to be going well. Then, I made what I think may have been a fatal misake. An hour and a half into the evening, I asked for a refill. Now, to be fair, the conversation was flowing really well. It seemed logical to ask for an additional cup of my favorite warm beverage as a means of extending said conversation. What I didn't notice until much too late was that the environmental engineer (hereinafter referred to as "EE"), was freezing. He was miserably cold. And, so he shivered as we awaited the arrival of my hot beverage, he shivered as I attempted to drink said beverage in a hasty manner without seeming rude, he shivered as we awaited the bill. Yes, my friends, he was miserable. For that, I feel a bit guilty, but then I have a tremendous capacity for guilt (thanks mom).

Did my simple desire for a final cup of coffee "ruin" my chances at future contact with EE? Probably not. But, even if it did, I am far from distraught. This is the beauty of Internet dating. For every first date that never develops into a second, there's another first date waiting in your inbox.