Playing With Matches

What started as a means of chronicling the online dating experiences of two picky yet adventurous almost thirty somethings has turned into a chronicle of all that is, was and has made up their collective dating histories. Our two original daters are now joined by several other fun, breezy, sassy gals, and Playing With Matches is now a missive on dating misadventures, a cacophony of ups and downs, turmoil and bliss. With a bit of snark mixed in here and there.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Cutest. Story. Ever.

In looking over my last few posts, I realized that those of you who don’t know me (and even some of you who do) may think that I have some serious issues. I seem to go from angry, outspoken bitch to forgiving, accommodating sweetheart at the drop of a hat (or with a phone call). Thank you for bearing with me.

To lighten the tone of this here blog, I thought I’d share a story with you, one that is sure to evoke a huge “awwww” from all who read it (especially if you’re female).

Tomorrow is the birthday of my very good friend AJ’s husband (let’s call him Top Five Husband (TFH) for reasons that are obvious once you spend one second with him). Their story, itself, is one of the best. Ever. Let’s start with that.

AJ and TFH went to middle school together. Cute, little blonde AJ had “an insane” crush on dark haired pre-teen hottie TFH but, as any other 12 year-old, was too shy to let him know. She did, however, write about him in her journal. Day in and day out, AJ filled her journal with her thoughts about TFH.

As tends to happen, AJ and TFH moved in separate directions--high school, college, grad school. She and he both lived their own, separate lives to the fullest. As fate would have it, AJ returned, one summer, to her hometown. Out at a bar one evening (and several cocktails in), AJ turned from her bar stool and looked across the room. And there he was, just as she remembered him. Obviously older and more mature looking. But still the same sweet face she had spent hours upon hours of her middle school years mooning over.

He was in town, too, from far far away visiting his family. AJ was overcome by courage and went up to TFH. She started talking to him and, before she knew it, had blurted out that she had had a crush on him so many years before. Turned out that he, too, thought she was pretty cute. Shortly thereafter, they went on their first date. Next month, they will celebrate their first wedding anniversary.

But, tomorrow, TFH enters into the last year of his 20s. And, as part of his gift, AJ is giving him the journal she kept way back then. The thoughts and wishes of her 12 year old self written with one of “those pens where you could click the top to use a different color ink.” She had “one that was neon pink, neon green, neon purple, and neon aqua” and, apparently, “was not afraid to use all of the colors.”

If that doesn’t renew your faith in love and sweetness and cuteness and meant to be-ness, then I don’t know what will.

Happy Birthday, TFH. I hope you never read this blog.

All her exes live in Texas.

But she makes her home in Virginia, not Tennessee.

Playing With Matches readers, I'd like to introduce you to Tex and the City (hereinafter referred to as "Tex").

Tex hails from Dallas. She is currently, and has been for little over a year, spending significant amounts of time with a boy she refers to as her "dating partner." She's a young one--a good five years younger than we PWM veterans, so she is bound to offer a new and interesting perspective.

Witty, funny and quite polite (they teach you that in the South), Tex is ready to share and air. A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll, she's excited to throw out her thoughts on all that we find important: commitment and the fear of it, those that got away, the anguish of love, and the joys of finding that perfect red velvet cupcake.

So, welcome, Tex. We look forward to your point of view and welcome you to our fun little world.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A moment (no matter how fleeting) of Zen.

Ok, so maybe not. And, I know the wrath of all of you out there who would kick my ass (over RCB's) if I told you that all was forgiven. But I'm feeling better about things. I'm still not feeling 100%...hell, I'm probably at around 53%, but I'm feeling better. Especially since I found out, from a reliable source, that my imagination ran far, far away from me the other day and what I thought he was lying about wasn't really true. I should save my creativity for writing projects, not my love life.

But he called today. Surprised the dickens out of me when I heard his ringtone. I contemplated, of course, not answering but realized that if I did not, I'd have to call him back and I then ran the risk of him not answering, me leaving a message...you know the drill.

Today I stood up for myself. I did not have, however, the conversation I ultimately wanted to have. The blog (that so many of you graciously lent your opinions to) was meant to be a script. But, while I can write about my life and what I want from it with the best of them, I have a hard time following through. The pen, in my case, is mightier than the [s]word. I talk big but, when it comes down to it, I retreat. The girl you see here is the one I aspire to be; I've made great strides, I think, in the months since I've started chronicling all of this, yet I realize I still have a long way to go.

I did, however, make my feelings known. What I did not do was have the DTR, as suggested (and almost mandated) by LC (I just thought that it was better to have that conversation in person). Nevertheless, I am proud of myself for at least getting some of it out there.

I told him it hurt my feelings that he didn't call me back. He said he was busy. I said it didn't matter, he told me to call, I did, and he didn't return my call and THAT WAS MEAN. He apologized. I said, "now you know that when I call and leave a message, I EXPECT A CALL BACK." Rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful, not nice were some of the adjectives I used. He said he called back within 24 hours (like that made it okay) and I said, "we are not a business, we are a relationship." He asked me if I would feel better if I were mean to him. Um, no. I'm nice, and an angel. Remember? I just want to promote honesty and courtesy, buddy. Learn a lesson, please.

The rest of the conversation was pretty friendly. I think I put him on edge (which he deserved to be, but which made me uncomfortable as I was not able to read body language (haha because I'm so good at that)), so I said that I meant what I said, I wasn't being mean, and it made me feel better to be honest with him about how it made me feel when he cancelled two nights of plans (he maintained his excuses) and then didn't call me back AFTER he told me to call him.

He did try to figure out a time for us to see each other before he leaves for his boys' weekend. I'm not going to do anything to make this happen; at this point, I think that it's his responsibility. He's obviously not been making time for me this week, and he needs to get back on his A game or else he's going to be benched (wow, a sports metaphor. He's really done a number on me.).

Don't fret, though...all is not forgotten. I'm on notice for poor behavior just as he's on notice that, at the drop of a hat (or the pushing of "publish post" on this blog), I have a bevy of individuals of all ages, ethnicities and genders who will make him wonder why he ever crossed me. If, of course, he ever recovers from the beat down.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Since I can’t talk to you…

…because all of a sudden you won’t return my phone calls (I won’t even mention text messages), I’m going to write to you here. And air your dirty laundry for the world to see.

What. The. Fuck.

How do you go from days on end together, deep conversations, road trips, terms of endearment, monologues of devotion, plans for extravagant trips in the future, to nothing? How, dear RCB, is it possible to just turn off your feelings? I’d like to give you BODS here and think that you’re just busy, that your excuses are legitimate. I’d like to think that it takes way too much energy to do and say the things you have been doing and saying for the past three months and not mean them. But my intuition is strong. And things are Not Good.

Weekends away without a single phone call? Not cool. One cancelled date, okay. Two in a row? Unacceptable. Especially since you broke it over email (with a subject line that implied you knew what my reaction would be). Especially especially since you told me, in said email, to “give [you] a call.” And, when the tears of frustration stopped (dammit, I can’t believe I cried over you) and the anger subsided, I did call you. And you Did Not Answer. You didn't answer! I left an uncharacteristic message (there is a bitch in me, bastard, whether you want to believe it or not) that pretty much implied I was only calling because you said to call. You did not return the call.

As LC would say, “Grow a pair.”

I am not jumping to conclusions. I know something is up and you better gosh darn believe we are going to talk about it. If I have to chase you down and tie you to the couch on which we spent so many hours watching television [shows, ahem, that I had no interest in watching but that I did, because I am a GoodGirlfriend], then I will. I am a Big Girl. I can handle the truth. Contrary to your philosophy of "I'd rather have a month more of happiness than be hurt," I would like to know what is happening here. But, are you man enough to tell me the truth? At this point, I am doubting it.

You are one of those boys. You know, the ones who are always looking for something better. I’m here to tell you that you will be pressed to find someone better than me. Seriously. You don’t know what you’re passing up, RCB. Once I’m gone, I’m not likely to come back for a third round. So, you better decide what your priorities are. You need to be honest. You need to realize what it is you’re doing and figure out if it’s really the path you want to be taking. Once I’ve put my feelings (i.e. annoyances, desires, needs, frustrations, apprehensions) out there, I am willing to listen to your defense. And, based on your sincerity (or lack thereof) I will make my decision. I am in control.

I can no longer be afraid of my feelings or how you will view me if I let them be known to you. Can I feel any worse than I do now (which, unfortunately, is pretty bad)? It should not be this much work, RCB, not this early.

No matter how cute or charming you are, no matter how much fun we have together, no matter the life lessons I’ve learned from you—I have to be true to me and what I want. I want to be happy. I want to be loved, unconditionally. I want to know that I am the apple of your eye, the one you want to come home to, who you can’t wait to see and talk to every day. I want to learn things from you and experience new things with you.

I need to be mature enough and brave enough to accept that if one of these new experiences is an actual, mature breakup, then so be it. If you can't give me what I need and deserve and/or at the very least promise to try, then I will have to cut the apron strings.

Despite all of the above, part of me still hopes that it doesn't come down to that.

Masochist? Glutton for punishment? Maybe I'm the one who needs to learn a lesson here.

Monday, November 27, 2006

idiot.

me. i'm an idiot. an indecisive idiot but an idiot nonetheless.

i met a boy. he called too much, he didn't ask me out correctly...anything and everything was wrong with him.

i did the immature "sort of blow you off" thing...as in waited almost until it was too late to call back or calling on the way to something so that there would be a set ending to point to phone calls. also as in making excuses not to go out with him.

then two weeks ago i called him back (it had been a week and a half since he had left a message..i know i'm mean) and to my surprise i enjoyed our conversation. and to my bigger surprise i found myself asking him out that weekend. and the biggest surprise: i had a great time.

so now...he doesn't call so much. he doesn't answer when i call and waits days to return said calls.

and with his change of behavior i have found myself becoming a spoiled brat. and on friday i embarrassed myself badly...taking exception and accusing of him being a liar by texting he had just gotten home (from out of town) when in fact he had been home for hours drinkign with one of his buddies. of course this "anger" stemmed from the fact I had been waiting for him to call me back for days...

but still...

i left message today on his voice mail apologizing. he has not returned my call.

of course.

i'm an idiot.

A widow at 29.

First of all, I know you're all on the edge of your seats: he called. Three times, in fact, the last call lasting for over an hour and somehow turning into a [helped along by beer] "RD is fabulous, wonderful, sweet, great and an angel and I wish I were with her instead of just talking to her on the phone" conversation. One that ended with a promise to make up for lost time tonight.

Until he emailed this morning and asked if we could postpone until tomorrow because he wants to take advantage of the nice weather and go out for a round of golf. Though obviously disappointed, especially after being built up so much last night, I acquiesced and told him it was okay. I gave him permission. My permission has, officially, I think, turned me into a golf widow.

My thoughts on this: while I will eventually get to the point where his extreme love of the links will get the best of me, for now, I'm okay with it. Because, and this is really unhealthy, I'm sure, I'd rather him be on the golf course drinking beers with other boys than with other girls. Of course, ultimately, I'd rather he be with me. But I think golf is the lesser of the evils. And, golf vacations for him mean spa days for me, right?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

How hard is it to return a phone call?

Really. Seriously. Come on. Two messages within 36 hours. You can't call me back?

Two messages. That's my limit.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Scheduling Dates Via E-mail: Why I Dislike Feeling Like My Future is Sitting in Someone's Inbox

I am an e-mailer. Though certainly young enough to recall a time when life functioned just fine sans the Internet, I admit to being fully addicted to the Internet and e-communication. But, I think that despite all the many benefits of e-mail, I have one bone to pick with this medium of communication.

As all readers of this blog know, I have been actively online dating since March. Sure there's been a break here and there as an online match became a relationship or at least seemed to have potential to become such. It seems that most of the guys I've encountered like to schedule dates via e-mail. With EE, even after months of dating, most of our plans were made this way. With AG, dates were always originally suggested via e-mail and then plans usually firmed up on the day of the date via phone as we became more comfortable.

HS has also opted for the e-option. Plans for a second date are in the works. We've e-mailed back and forth about venue and timing. My most recent response was sent last night, and I've yet to hear anything back. Things are pretty much firmed up, but I would like a confirmation e-mail. Thus, I'm left with the feeling I frequently have at such times. My future plans are sitting in someone's inbox. Or, at least I hope they are. As a fairly high strung gal, I always worry that somehow, despite the fact that I can see my sent e-mail in my sent mail folder, my message didn't actually make it. That's the thing about e-mail, friends, you cannot see that it's been sent. It's kind of like the Pill. Sure, we know it's 99.9% effective, but can we see it working? No. We just have to trust that it does so.

Whatever happened to making plans via phone? You talk back and forth. All questions are answered. It probably takes less time. It surely would put my little, paranoid mind at ease. Now, with HS, it's still too early in the communication process for such phone planning...so BODS. But, at some point, shouldn't dates be planned in an alternative way? And, is it further evidence of the disfunction of my relationship with EE that I can only think of a handful of times when we utilized the phone to make plans? And, do I really need further evidence of the disfunction of that relationship? Hmmmm....

Friday, November 24, 2006

Giving thanks (albeit a day late).

Along the same vein as Objection's birthday post, I feel, at this [alleged] time of introspection and overinflated emotional indulgence, I should sit down, look at the past year and revel in what I've done and been through.

A year ago today, it had been a little over two months since the end of my relationship with Him. The sad thing is, I didn't know it [Hello, Denial. Meet RD] and still thought that there was "something" there, even if it was only the tiniest smidge of hope. I listened to my therapy themed iPod playlist constantly, relating every song to the situation, thinking it might still could maybe possibly work but knowing, deep down, that songs like this were written for a reason and, really, it was done. If Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne can write angry girl songs about getting over it and move on, I could move on as well. And that broken road Rascal Flatts sings about? Well marked with my footsteps, thank you very much.

Unable to not use Thanksgiving as an excuse to call Him, I did. He had [allegedly] spent Thanksgiving alone; it was His first major holiday after his divorce and He just didn't want to have to deal. I felt bad, thinking crazy thoughts (and verbalizing them) like "I wish you would have told me, you could have come to my family's celebration." Wow, like that would have been a good idea. After Thanksgiving, I did not hear from Him again for a month. And after that, not until St. Patrick's day. The rest, I'm afraid, you already know or have at least gleaned from my ramblings.

I am thankful that, these days, I think of Him rarely, if at all. Ok, fine. At least once a day, but it's better than thinking about Him so much that, as Howie Day said and He reiterated on numerous occasions, He was "scared to know [he's] always on" my mind.

I don't know what I would have done if Objection hadn't moved back to the area--she was a single friend beacon in a sky dark with married/attached [albeit fabulous] girlfriends. As a perpetually single gal, it was always tough for me to be the third (or fifth) wheel. But Objection arrived on the scene and we soon began causing trouble all over the place (or at least making feeble attempts at doing so).

I am thankful that I was reminded that it's fun to go out and do things. Even if the people you are around suck or the situation (ew, New Year's Eve) isn't the most ideal, if you have at least one partner in crime you can have fun and, at the very least, have someone to laugh about it with the next day. I am thankful for friends with whom I can spend time but, mostly, for those of you (and you know who you are) who sit there and listen to my daily dilemmas. If you all were psychologists, you'd make a lot of money treating me.

I am thankful that I had the "guts" to buck my personal thoughts and opinions and join Match.com. While the experience was not the best, I can say that I did it with an open mind and tried, for three months, to meet The One. I didn't even meet anyone close. But I tried. And, I can't say that if my current situation meets a sad demise that I won't try a similar avenue. I'm not making promises, so don't get excited. The thing I am most thankful for with regard to that situation, though, is that it was the impetus of this blog which has become, to me, a source of my greatest comfort. Writing in a journal always seemed so pretentious to me; I found it difficult, oftentimes, to even be honest with myself. This is such a different forum. I tell it like it is and don't care who reads it (except, of course, the not so innocent parties. Yikes!). Thinking that there are people out there who may want to hear about what is going on in my piddly little life allows me to want to record everything. Okay, lbh: it's because I'm selfish and want these records for my own edification later, when I'm old and gray and am trying to recollect how I spent those last turbulent days of my 20s. I'll laugh about it as I read these entries, stopping as RCB puts a glass of lemonade next to my rocking chair.

Hhahaha. And that brings us to RCB. Still a tumultuous situation about which I am one moment over the moon and the next under a bus, I can't help but want to continue with it. Some may think it's a bad idea and unhealthy. Some may say to enjoy it for what it is, that at this point hurt is going to hurt whether it happens now or later. Underlying [personal sabotage worthy] trust issues aside, we have had a great few weeks. We've spent a lot of time together. I'm comfortable to a point where he notices. We talk about everything (except, of course, us, but that conversation scares me, and I'm not ready for it, as we all are well aware).

With RCB, I've been able to come out of my relationship shell. I've put myself out there in a way I never would have thought myself capable, considering what I believed to be my relationship maturity level. I've overlooked things I should have been more adamant about and I've been adamant about things that I should have just let go. In other words, I've had a relationship, possibly the first [almost] real one I've ever had. I'm thankful that I gave him a second chance when he came back in August, that I didn't hold a grudge. I'm thankful that I was honest with him at that point and that I've tried to stick by my guns. I am thankful that I have been able escape from my usual MO and actually voice my opinions, which has enabled me to say and do things I never would have imagined. I am thankful he gives me forehead kisses and entertains my silly ideas.

So, friends, Happy belated Thanksgiving. Despite the [tremendous] ups and downs of this past year, I can sit here on Black Friday and be thankful for all that I have, all that I have "lost" and all that is to come. I hope you can do the same.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Analysis

So, another first date. Analysis? The conversation flowed very well. We had a lot to talk about. We have a similar sense of humor, which is key. The date lasted about three hours, which I take as a good sign. It ended with a comment that it was "nice meeting me," I was given a kiss on the cheek and I got into a cab. But, there was no mention of future dates. Not even an amorphous "we should do this again some time." So, this afternoon I'll send a thank you e-mail (which is more than I did with EE), but I won't count on anything further.

How does this make me feel?

Well, I think it was good to go out and get back on the horse after AG. In the (unlikely) event that HS asks me out again, I'll go. I've decided, however, that I'm not going to push myself here. I'm not going to communicate with guys on the various dating websites just to communicate. I'm not going to go on dates just to give myself something to do. Honestly, I don't feel the need to do it. I think I'm getting tired of trying and that maybe taking some time off might be a good thing.

I came home also to find an e-mail from AG in the old inbox. Sigh.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Here We Go Again

So, as alluded to previously, I have [once again] a first date scheduled for this week. As usual, I'm feeling a little nervous. But, this time there's more to the anxiety than the usual: will he like me? will I do/say things that make me seem stupid? what if I like him and he doesn't like me? will I recognize him when we meet up? Yes, this time I have three big "fears" going into the date.

FEAR 1: It's too soon after AG. Now, I only dated AG for a month. I dated EE for over 5. My first date with AG after the end of EE was only one month after the breakup. This time 'round, I'm going out a little more than a week after the end of the AG relationship. The issue is, however, that while the AG relationship was brief, I became far more "attached" emotionally to AG than I was to EE. For all my jokes about the body not being cold yet, I do have some concerns.

FEAR 2: The individual with whom I am going on said first date (hereinafter HS) is very attractive. The thing is, I usually don't date conventionally attractive. I am a huge fan of the loveable dork. Now, HS is a smarty, there's no doubt about it. I don't date dumb. But, he's also hot...as in, makes me nervous hot. It's been years since I've dated makes me nervous hot. Am I complaining? No. But, I have fears that it won't work because I'm outside my comfort zone.

FEAR 3: My past two first dates have led to relationships. They were both success stories. True, with EE I left not really knowing what was up. But, a few days later, he e-mailed and soon we were going out again. With AG, we talked of a future get together that night. So, I've been REALLY fortunate. And, because I've been so fortunate (and because I mentioned how fortunate I've been to friends the other night and they were shocked), I feel that my luck and good karma are about to run out. This could be the bad first date I've somehow avoided.

So there you have it. This is an actual look into a [relatively] young dater's overly organized pre-date thought process. Gulp. Here we go again.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

All You Need is the L-Word

Years and years ago, I had a conversation with "Emily Post" (hereinafter EP)regarding The X. She was explaining all the reasons that our relationship wasn't healthy. "But, I love him," I insisted. "Sometimes, just loving someone isn't enough," she replied. I hated that statement. How could she say such a thing? I loved this guy. And, he loved me. And what more could two people possibly need?

Her statement has stayed with me for years. And, this past week, I've found myself going back to it again and again. As an adult, I now realize EP was right.

In advising others on their relationships, I frequenty reflect on my own experiences. So in providing advice this week, I've started reflecting upon EP's words. Sometimes, no matter how much you like someone and no matter how good things are between you, the relationship itself isn't right. You see in a relationship, there are three parties. There's you, there's him, and there's the concept of "us." Just because you like him and he likes you the logical conclusion that the "us" is a good thing, isn't necessarily correct. Thanks LSAT. Thanks.

I've had four relationships in the past year. Yup. Four. They've ranged from FWB to a BF-like relationship with EE. Of those four, two of those guys really had an impact on me. They would be FWB and AG. I really liked both of them...a lot. I really liked who I was when I was around them, because I found I could be myself completely. But, despite the fact that I liked them and they liked me, the "us" wasn't right. With FWB it was mainly an issue of geography, long distance, and the commitment. With AG, the issue was really that he's not emotionally stable enough to commit to me the way I need him to. Wrong place. Wrong time.

There are some things we cannot control in life and no where is this more evident than in relationships. Even if things are perfect, even if you have love, things like history, geography, and timing can render the relationship unhealthy. And, I'm not maintaining that I had love with either of these two. Because LBH, that's not a term I throw around or use lightly. But, if as EP said, love sometimes isn't enough, then surely mutual like is also not enough.

There's another common theme between these two relationships as well. I've managed to keep both of these guys in my life as friends. True, AG and I have only been attempting that for a week, but FWB and I have done that successfully for a long time. So, I didn't get a BF out of either of them. So the end result was friendship. Was I looking for friendship with either of them? Nope. But, that's what I found. Again, there are worse things in the world.

So, how did I accomplish this? Well, I think it was because I was honest with them and with myself. In each case, the offer of "us" didn't meet the definition of relationship that I require. Surmising that I couldn't get what I wanted, I stepped back, I turned on my heel, and I walked away. But, not without turning around and saying over my shoulder, I still want you in my life, because I value you as a person. Sure, there were tears in my voice each time I said it. Sure, I hated myself for not being able to accept their offers. But, it was the right decision. And, because I didn't settle for less than I want or deserve, I didn't end up hating them or resenting them. And because they were honest about what they could offer and because I had real connections with them, friendship was achieved. Again, not a horrible result.

So, EP (who thankfully does NOT read this blog because LBH, some of these postings would horrify her), you were right. Again. And, the Beatles, well sadly they were incorrect.

The Body Isn't Even Cold Yet

Rigor hasn't even set in. And, Objection has a date scheduled for this week.

Things that are inappropriate to say in mixed company (or at all).

Friend of RD: “Is RD bossy around you, too”
RD’s love interest (LI) at the time: “Only in the bedroom.”

RD to friend: “It’s hot, do you have an extra rubber band so I can put my hair back?”
LI to friend: “Yeah, her hair always gets in the way when she’s doing important things.”

At a nice restaurant, seated at a table with close friends and family members:
RD to LI: “I’m full, do you want the rest of my dessert?”
LI: “Sure. I ate the rest of your dinner. I’m eating the rest of your dessert. What am I going to eat next?”

Objection to LI: I can't be your friend with benefits.
LI: Can you be my benefits without friend.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Flirting 101.

Obeying orders from LC—and let’s not forget that it was Objection’s birthday—I hit the town last night with Objection and our Very Good Friend (VGF). Hard. And I’m happy to say it was a very successful night.

Those of you who actually know the girl known as Reluctant Dater know that I’m not much of a flirt. Especially with strangers (Stranger! Danger!). But, based on my recent melancholy stemming from low self-esteem and insecurity (thanks a lot, RCB), and after a lunchtime joint therapy session with LC and Objection, it was ascertained (ie mandated) that I needed to boost my self confidence and get out there. I was given the task of initiating conversation with at least one “strange” man. Yikes.

No one was telling me to forge a new relationship or forget about the one I have. I was just tasked with getting out there and being the nice, fun, sassy, friendly girl that I am. So, armed with a commitment to have fun and with the fear of disobeying LC, Objection and I arrived early at our dinner venue and headed straight for the bar.

Objection asked for a wine menu, I for a drink menu. She was handed a tome detailing the restaurants vino selections. Placed in front of me was a nicely chilled martini glass and a shaker. “Try this,” the kind of cute bartender said. And so it began.

Strange man putting a drink in front of me. What’s a girl to do but drink it? Delicious. Soon, bartender Joe and I were chatting away. I told him it was Objection’s birthday and immediately pulled the “guess how old she is” question out of my bag of tricks. He guessed 24! Score for Objection!

We continued to gab and imbibe until VGF arrived. She, too, ordered a glass of wine. We soon became those girls, you know, the ones who have an 8:00 reservation but don’t sit down until quarter to nine. I decided (as I am the bossy one) that we should go to our table. I asked Joe for the tab and he said, “It’s on me, enjoy your dinner.”

Sweet.

Now, for those of you who don’t know, Objection is a master flirter. I could take some lessons. In fact, we all could. I told her that it was all her doing that we got the drinks comped—the eye batting, the birthday, the whole nine yards. I refused to believe her when she said all the attention had been on me and that she had nothing to do with it; that, in fact, she had been so not playing her A game that it wasn’t even funny. Damn. I'd hate to see that A game.

We proceeded to have a Top Five meal. After dinner we headed back to our place at the bar. Bartender Joe was happy to see us. We talked and joked and drank until last call. A good ten [top shelf] drinks later, we were the last ones to leave the restaurant. With no bar tab of which to speak.

Clearly not evidenced by my [progressive hangover affected] rambling, I learned some lessons last night. I learned that I am not as bad as flirting and talking to strangers as I thought. I learned that there are many ways to flirt; my MO is “passive aggressive flirting,” as artfully coined by Objection. I learned, too, that I can have fun wherever I am, whenever I want, if in the company of people whose attention I appreciate but do not have to covet. And that it’s okay to talk to strangers and be coy and mysterious while simultaneously being cute and sassy. Boys dig it.

But, most importantly, I learned that when you have tasteful cleavage, you need no other accessories.

The Third Decade Begins

Roundtrip Metro ticket -- $2.70

Dinner at an excellent restaurant (rated a 23) -- ? (a gift from amazing friends)

Cab ride home from Metro station (hey it was cold!) -- $5.00

Asking the bartender how old you look, only to have him respond 24 -- Priceless

Apathy.

Well, bloggers, I have been absent from the blogging world for a while - absent from blogging about my dating life, because, well, right now there isn’t one to blog about. But maybe that is for the best. For time alone is the time when one is able to think, to read, build esteem, and figure out what one wants from life in general and relationships, right?...

It's been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy.

I’ve been thinking about this word a lot lately. Every guy I’ve encountered as of late it seems who I am interested in at first, but ends up not worth dating, has been apathetic. Apathetic about not just me, but seemingly about life - definitely not a good mix for a relationship. This happened with ETB, my FWB who seemed for a while to want more, a couple of weeks ago. He converted our virtually dating relationship to occasional text message sending to keep things cordial (we work together) but no making of future plans. I’m pretty sure it means he’s not that into me. It happened with CDWP (cute doctor with potential), who asked me if I wanted to get together yesterday morning, then called and said I could come bring him take-out, and watch a movie at his house, which is a half an hour away, but that he wasn’t willing to leave his living room. He didn’t have a long day at work, or an ailing mother at home he attends to, he just didn’t feel like leaving his house, even if I drove a half an hour to pick him up. I backed out, saying I just felt like staying in after all.

What is this? Have women (including myself) lowered their standards so much that guys no longer feel a need to make an effort, because they can just turn around and call another fwb, who is willing to show up on their doorstep, no strings attached? Is this God’s revenge for me having one fling in attempt to get over my last relationship (Catholic guilt speaking)? Seriously, what’s with the apathy? My therapist would probably say it’s because I have a need to save (like patients?) depressed guys with emotional baggage who aren’t really emotionally available, and that my sometimes less than superb self-esteem makes me think at the time that these guys are reasonable choices. Has anyone else noticed a theme of apathy out there in the dating world?

Friday, November 17, 2006

A New Decade for Objection

Objection here, in the last hour and a half of my twenties. One of the many "benefits" of aging for me has been my inability to sleep in sans the assistance of Simply Sleep. Thus, despite the fact that I decided to take today off, I'm awake and blogging at 7:30 a.m. But, I digress.

I can't help but think back over the past ten years. For purposes of this blog, I'll consider my twenties to be the beginning of my adult dating life. Ten years ago today, I was completely infatuated with college friend without benefits. Despite an intense emotional connection and despite the fact that everyone thought we were sleeping together, our relationship remained plutonic. I rung in 21 with "he who shall not be named" (hereinafter "The X"). On my 22nd, I learned the value of retail therapy after The X broke up with me eleven days before my birthday. I think he was trying to avoid giving me a present. 23 - 27 were spent with The X. Yes, that's right. We got back together, as in ivory Italian satin dress back together. Birthdays were always a huge ordeal in an attempt to make up for the disaster of 22. 28 I was solo, really and truly solo for the first time in years.

But the 28 and eleven months to 30 year has been pretty eventful. Yes, we saw the introduction of FWB in October of last year. This continued well into February '06, with continued flirtation and temptation as recently as this summer. Now, I think we're just friends, but that only works as long as we are separated by geography. Mid-February saw the introduction of "The WB" (that's Work Buddy). This short "relationship" came to an abrupt conclusion the week of St. Patrick's Day. In its aftermath, I was left (and continue to be left) with no ability to interact with this "gentleman" (enter sarcasm) with comfort. A few weeks ago, we rode the elevator together, just the two of us, and didn't say a single word. Comfortable. From the end of March until the beginning of September, we saw the poorly defined, sometimes fun, but in retrospect clinical relationship with EE. Obviously, I wasn't that attached as I quickly replaced him with the lovely, but (very sadly) emotionally unavailable AG, with whom I think I have established a post "relationship" friendship.

So, my friends, it's been a busy 10 years. Entering into this new decade is a little scary. But, I enter it with a wealth of experience. I enter it with so many wonderful memories. I enter it with some not so wonderful memories as well. Yet, I (perhaps surprisingly) have no regrets. If I can say the same 10 years from now, I will be a very lucky gal. That's all from this blogger. One hour and twenty six minutes of my 20s remaining. I should go do something crazy. Eh, maybe I'll go watch last night's episode of The Office.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The annoying girl.

That's what I'm going to be right now. I've given you fair warning.

So, RCB is gone for four days (and five nights) visiting his family. He left yesterday. Prior to his departure, we had spent four days (and three nights) together; we went to a party, spent Sunday putzing around, went to the movies, and generally just enjoyed each others' company.

When we said goodbye yesterday, after a too leisurely for a workday lunch at home, he gave me a kiss and told me to "have a good week." Immediately, I was thrust into Objection's dilemma of last week. A good week? You practically live at my house and you're implying you're not going to talk to me until you get back? He also said, when I said (eek, that girl) "I won't see you for a long time" that "I'll see you next week." I know we will see each other, as he left a suit and all its accessories in my closet. But, I digress.

He also said he'd call me from the road. Bored at work and awaiting Happy Hour yesterday afternoon, I called him. He didn't answer. Despite the five hour drive I knew he had, with lots of time to do so, he never called me back.

So, I texted him this morning, saying I hoped he'd had a good drive and could get out on the golf course today. He responded with something to the effect of the weather being bad yesterday but better today. And ended with "have a good day."

Blow off? Is he telling me to stop bothering him, that he'll talk to me when he's ready? Surely I cannot call him or text him again, as I'm obviously cramping his family style (he is weird around/about them, this I know). Am I over-reacting? Do I need to grow up about 10 years and just go with the flow?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Blessing or a Curse

Much like the characters of the NBC drama Heroes, I have a special talent. Yes, my friends, it's true. I realized yesterday that I can spot a wedding ring from unbelievable distances. This is pretty impressive. My eyesight isn't what it once was. After years and years and years of school, I find myself constantly clad in (uber cute) German-intellectual-style glasses. Yet, for some reason I am able to spot the big stop sign on the left hand with amazing accuracy. My day to day routine at work requires that I walk between two buildings several times per day. Yesterday, I caught myself checking out the hand of every man I passed. Okay. Not every man. But, every man between the ages of 26 and 45. It didn't hurt that most of them were wearing nice suits. So, am I alone in this talent? Is this a trait that we acquire with age? (BTW, I'm turning the big 20-10 this week)? And, most importantly, do men do this as well. Somehow, I think not. But, I shall defer to our male readers for an answer.

Monday, November 13, 2006

back and ready for

nothing. which is crazily true. the last month or two i have battled with the fact that while i meet men consistently and go out on (what I consider) plenty of dates...nothing stirs any excitement within me. sometimes i'm even annoyed with the fact i have a date. the thought of getting "pretty" and making small talk or even feigning concern over their lives seems like too much effort. i remember the days of moving heaven and earth to open my schedule in the hopes that just maybe a boy would call...i miss those days.

so three theories have been flying through my head:

1. i haven't met anyone who makes me feel giddy or takes over my thoughts.
2. i have met people who would/should make me feel something but i'm so jaded and damaged i refuse to allow myself to feel anything.
3. i have so much going on with myself, and feel completely unsettled and at times out of control with the path my life is taking that i have no urge or inclination to be bothered caring for anyone in a romantic sense or complicating my life with that drivel.

To have and have not.

DTR has been a big topic of conversation lately, both in the real world and in the blogosphere (namely here). We all know that Objection had the DTR this week and what the results of that were. My Work Friend (WF) also bit the bullet and had a DTR this weekend, too, with a guy she'd been dating (yikes, the dreaded past tense) for two years. That relationship, too, met the same fate as Objection's. So, now, I am thinking that the DTR does not need to happen in my relationship just yet.

After speaking to two other friends (wow, I can't make decisions on my own), I realized that I should enjoy what's going on, that dreading the conversation and bringing up the conversation were going to put a damper on my time with RCB. I think Richmond Friend (RF) said it best:

"i am a believer in actions speaking louder than words. (that's my caveat). thus, i think that it's less important for him to tell you he is your bf than it is for him to ACT like he is, which is how he is acting. my aunt subscribes to the theory that there are 5 love languages (we may have discussed this before):
1. touch
2. gifts
3. acts of service
4. quality time
5. words of affirmation"


As far as RD/RCB part II, I'm getting all of the above. We spent the entire weekend together, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I left him at home, again, this morning (for hours this time) when I went to work. He was very affectionate in front of many of my oldest friends and family members this weekend. He brings me little gifts every now and then. He also spends time helping me to do things. And, when intoxicated (ha, red flag, I know) he said some pretty amazing things the other night. So, we're speaking in all of the love languages (but I'll take a big fat pause before I actually use that word).

So, if I'm seemingly communicating in these ways and if his actions are speaking for himself (and considering the young age of this relationship), I'm beginning to think the DTR can wait a little longer...

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Donezo

Well, it's over. And, I think it's for the best. This gal just can't share. This gal never wants to be a decision among many -- she wants to be the one. I think there's a chance AG and I may maintain a friendship of sorts. And, who knows...in the words of Ben Harper "further along, we just may." But, timing is everything. The chance that we'll be at the same place at the same time in the future, LBH, is slim to none. So I start the week as 100% single, again. I'm a little sad. I'm a little disappointed. I'm pretty frustrated. But, at the end of the day, I stood up for me. I didn't go along with a crazy scheme that would have only resulted in lots of anxiety and concerns. In the words of Kelly Taylor, "I chose me." This is a pretty big step, and I'm proud of myself. Back to the drawing board ladies. And, can I just address the fact that I just quoted Ben Harper and Kelly Taylor in a single blog entry. Wow. I am a Renaissance woman.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Survey Says?

Welcome to our new interactive blog. That's right. Now, much like the "Pick a Path" books of childhood days past, the readers can actually decide the fate of the bloggers on this site. Yup. First up, Objection.

Let's set the scene, shall we? On Friday/Saturday of this week, Objection had an 18 hour date with AG. Things were excellent. Really excellent.

On Saturday afternoon, just as Objection thought the date was going to wrap up, AG decides to start up the DTR conversation. Now, this isn't unreasonable. Afterall, it's date 7 (not that anyone is counting of course).

Here's the tricky part though. Bottom line, AG and Objection like each other a lot. AG, however, isn't ready to commit. He likes things status quo. Objection is fine with status quo (for now). With a demanding job etc, the one date per night talk every day thing is working. So, status quo doesn't bother her, as long as it doesn't become permanent.

The concerning part of the conversation was when AG stated he wasn't ready to put the blinders on. And while he maintains firmly that he can't be in a relationship with multiple people at once, he also said that were he to meet a young lady that he was interested in, he didn't want to feel like he couldn't take her out on a date. He also stressed that he would not hook up with multiple people at once. And, in the interest of full disclosure, apparently back during the first few dates, he was also going out with a few other girls. However, when things stepped up with Objection, he backed off those interactions.

So, what to do?

BFF feels this is grounds for dismissal. BFF is always right about such things. If Objection listened to BFF, Objection would cry much less frequently.

RD hasn't really had a chance to weigh in fully. Once she does, we'll update.

Emily Post (aka Mom)advises as follows. She maintains that Objection should not close off the "relationship" with AG yet because there does seem to be a very good connection. She believes Objection should give it a little while and at the same time encourages Objection to also date around a bit. Of course, Objection is not good at this -- has never done this successfully in the past. Also too, Objection knows only too well that she's going to wonder constantly who else is occupying AG's time. Emily Post also encouraged the contacting of FWB (who she for some reason hearts despite having never met him). But, I digress.

Objection is completely unable to act/think on her own. She is tired of dating. She is tired of heart break. She is tired of analyzing, making mistakes, and the rollar coaster in general. So, she's decided to ask the readers their opinions. How should she proceed? You be the judge.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Hiatus

In between

a. planning Thanksgiving at MY HOUSE this weekend
b. planning and attending (yay!) a friend's 30th birthday party this weekend
and..
c. the charge plug thingie breaking off in my laptop and the mac store being out of replacements and one will have to be ordered onling

...my blogging...and lbh my dating life...are on standstill...

i'll be back next week sometime.

The dreaded DTR.

As a graduated English major, I have always been one to read into things--I learned by and from the best of them to analyze every thought and word on the thousands of pages of words in front of me. Unfortunately, my education has brought to me more harm than good. I am now--and am afraid I will forever be--the persistent analyst. Often, the things I am analyzing need not be subjected to such intense thought.

I think about every word. I think about every action. I always wonder about greater meaning, underlying significance. It's no wonder, then, that I would like to know, in words, the status of my relationship with RCB. It is causing me great anxiety not to know. Fear is not always a great motivator; in this case, I think it's causing me to be stagnant.

Everything is going very well, I'd say. Despite the easygoing nature of the relationship and the comfort level we have [too quickly??] attained, I am still uncertain about where we stand. I know he won't bring it up. Status quo is probably a-ok with him. But it's not with me.

I know I need to know because I'm beginning to do crazy girl things. Aside from the bouts of insecurity (does he really like me? or does he just like having someone to hook up with and eat dinner with?), I am beginning to do things like associate physical affection with his level of overall affection toward me; in other words, if our routine strays in even the most miniscule way from that to which I have become accustomed, my inner monologue immediately goes asunder and I begin to think something is awry. When, in reality, maybe he is just tired as he says he is. I am beginning to think that if I know we are exclusive and there isn't the even remote possibility of anyone on the sidelines (I've been watching a lot of football lately) then maybe my anxiety will be assuaged. Ha, we can always hope for such things, right?

So, I'm wondering: when is it appropriate to have the conversation that defines the relationship? Is this something that should occur naturally or must it be forced? What does one who initiates such a conversation say to the other person? Wants? Needs? Desires? Do men prefer just to let things evolve naturally or do they want to talk about these things? Will it scare him away if it happens too early? Does it need to happen at all?

Monday, November 06, 2006

A matter of trust.

Relationships that start out in the red as far as trust is concerned are hard. Really hard. Especially when the person who is untrusting has a vivid imagination. Very vivid.

Now, looking back, Mr. RCB didn’t ever really do anything for me to not trust him. RCB/RD Round 1, as I like to call it, was nothing more than a few random hookups and a few months of lunches. He was never my boyfriend, we were never dating (though this is not to say I didn’t want that to happen). Certain things were eventually brought to my attention that caused the bell to ring on Round 1 (notwithstanding the fact that he pretty much disappeared off the face of the Earth). Because of the nature of our hanging out, it was relatively easy to get over the situation and move on.

Round 2 has been a completely different story. Despite the opinions of some that people are not capable of changing, I will contend that, three years later, he is a different person. We are at a relationship point where, honestly, I can’t say I’ve ever been before. And I like it. However, it is very hard for me to give myself fully to this fight, to punch and kick with all my might to make this work. I am trying very hard to trust and be open and to be trustworthy, myself. I have my good days but I definitely have my bad ones.

Last week, RCB told me something that proved to me that he does, in fact, trust me. A lot. And I did all that I could to take that information for what it was, to revel in the fact he was able to tell it to me, and to enjoy that. But there was still that little part of me that can’t let go.

So today I tried to reciprocate, to let him know that I, too, was ready to be trusting. As a responsible individual, I decided that I had to be at work on time today. He had a late meeting. When the alarm went off, I told him to go back to sleep…I also let him know that he could sleep in as late as he wanted. I was leaving him in my house, alone. Now, I know men are not like women. He probably did not get up as soon as I left to rifle through my drawers looking for stuff.

(He wouldn’t have found anything of interest, anyway, as I am a forward thinker and anything that could be construed as suspicious was skillfully put away.)

My question is this: am I just going to have to take a blind leap of faith into this and not suspect the worst all the time? He has given me no reason not to trust him. At all. Do I just enjoy the anxiety? Is trusting someone something that comes with time? Does this bode poorly for Round 2?

I would like to hope that this is all normal, that soon I will wonder why I ever felt anxious or insecure. That I will be able to 100% trust him, that I won’t even have to think about it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?

I find it interesting that after I break up with someone, or after they break up with me (their loss), I am suddenly able to identify many odd personality quarks that I somehow manage to overlook during the relationship. In the aftermath of EE, there's been no shortage of such discoveries. Recently, however, I recalled something about EE that I find to be so odd, that I felt it worthy of a blog entry.

No, I'm not going to blog yet again about his refusal to allow me to look in the refrigerator. This goes back a little further in our relationship. For those of you not familiar with Match, when creating your profile one aspect of personal information which is revealed is your zodiac sign. But, there's the option, if you so desire, to not display your sign in your profile. So, yup, you guessed it. EE opted to not display his sign.

Now, I've given a lot of thought to why someone would decide to do this. And, I'm a bit stumped. I mean, what was he trying to do? Perhaps he thought he could preclude me from trying to figure out whether our signs were compatible? Maybe he didn't want me reading up on his horoscope in Cosmo? I haven't a clue. The annoying thing about this was that because I didn't know his sign, I had no clue as to the time of year of his birthday. Now, okay. Yes, I could have just asked him when his birthday was. But, for some reason, I didn't for months. But, I digress. My real question to you, dear readers is as follows: What possible reason would someone have for not displaying their sign?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

My name is Reluctant Dater.

In talking to a friend of mine today about possible blog topics, she mentioned something that piqued my interest. What if I wrote about what would happen if someone (ie me) put together a list, a la My Name is Earl about all their (ha, my) wrongdoings? Not life wrongdoings (because, lbh, RD is an angel who never does a wrong thing—an asset to humanity, for sure), necessarily, but, rather, relationship wrongdoings.

What have I done to cause the end and/or stagnation and/or failure to launch of my relationships past. Sadly, a lot.

Wrongdoing #1: the demise of many relationships (and something I find to be lurking on the horizon with my most recent) has been an inherent need to overanalyze. Every sentence, every word, every action. Every unspoken word, every unfulfilled request, every unrealized demand. Every kiss, every fight, every glance across the room. Perhaps face value is sometimes all there is to a situation.

Wrongdoing #2: I have a hard time trusting, whether the person with whom I am engaging in a relationship has “wronged” me or not. Where this distrust comes from, I do not know. Looking back, I lived a charmed—albeit sheltered—life. Honesty was always the best policy. If you lied, you got caught, plain and simple. Perhaps I fear the repercussions of dishonesty and distrust more so than I fear the actions and words leading up to them.

Wrongdoing #3: taking what other people say and think about my relationship and those involved (ie me and the boy) too much to heart. As LC keeps telling me, “It doesn’t matter what other people think. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” She is right. Lately, based on RCB Part I, I have felt the need to keep certain pieces of information from friends, thinking that what I tell them will sully their view of RCB and our Part II. But, you all know me and my inability to keep anything to myself. So it all gets put out there, for the world to know. Perhaps I should just live my life as it comes along, doing and saying and feeling what I want without wondering what Objection or my mother or my cousin Susie or the kid next door will think.

Wrongdoing #4: not realizing what I’ve got til it’s gone. Cliché, yes. But true. Who knows how many relationships I’ve passed up because, at the time, I was either scared or wrongfully uninterested? There are probably hundreds (okay, not that many, but accept the hyperbole and move on) of men out there who tried to get my attention at one point or another and who I, in a state of confusion and/or stupidity and/or fear shooed away. Perhaps this RD could have been married with children by now if she had thrown caution to the wind and relaxed.

Wrongdoing #4.5: focusing on the wrong guys. Perhaps, in many case, this was probably the impetus for the behavior in wrongdoing #4.

Wrongdoing #5: being afraid of the real thing. The attraction to friends, to unavailable men, to those who are unable to commit—it all comes down to the fact that I know I can’t have them, so there’s nothing to lose. Perhaps being afraid of the real thing is compounded by a fear of being hurt, which ultimately comes from insecurity.

This is not to say that I am holding myself fully responsible for every failed (or unitiated)relationship of my past. Luckily (and quite possibly as a defense mechanism), I am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason and every experience, whether good or bad, leads to the next.

And the next from the last (in other words, my present) ain’t so bad.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Enjoy the Rest of Your Week

The phrase is innocuous enough. So, why am I pondering its meaning? Well, in part because I'm a girl and in part because I'm crazy. But, I digress. Allow me to provide some context.

AG and I have another date scheduled in the very near future. He is currently on business travel in New England. When out of town, he's quite good at keeping in touch via e-mail. This is of course a pleasant change from EE who never e-mailed when out of town (or even when at home) and who did not own a cell phone, but I digress again. Early this week, I received an e-mail from AG. He seemed excited about our upcoming date etc. Yes, all seemed well. And then, I read the second to last line of the e-mail "Enjoy the rest of your week." Um, it's the beginning of the week. Does this mean you'll be out of contact for the remainder of the week? And, if so, does this make our pending date a mercy date...one made back when you still liked me (last week) and which you feel obligated to keep, but you've decided you're "just not that into me." (Thanks Greg).

So, ever the seeker of advice I poled a few friends. RD maintains I should not worry. AG is very busy and thus is to be given BODS. Having read the full text of the e-mail, she found no cause for concern. Work friend concurred, though she had a different outlook. She maintained the phrase was just a creative way of signing off and again said I had nothing to worry about. So why am I worried?

Because nothing is more fascinating than my life, I turn to you dear readers. What do we think about this? Am I over-reacting? If I don't hear from AG until the end of the week as our date nears, should I be concerned? Is he entitled to BODS (that's benefit of the doubt status for those of you who may be new readers)?

Are we looking at a mercy date situation here? I await your input with bated breath.

the good ones never call.

i'm not sure this is true but this phrase is often batted about my group of single girls. i think it's more the ones we hoped were good ones never call.

you all know this scenario. you are out and about. you meet a man. he's charming. he acts interested. he insists on buying your drinks. he asks for your number. maybe even throws out ideas of potential dates. you get home and smile to yourself because he will be calling you.

then he never calls.

(and then of course the ones that you don't like and feel trapped into giving them your number OR a friend gives them your number ALWAYS call)

this, my friends, is a summary of my saturday evening. he was great. i even had a guy friend of mine comment on how the guy was working and "you never see guys put effort like that into it anymore."

*sigh*

i don't get it.