Bringing Down the House

Inspired by R.D.'s recent post, I would like to address the "playing house" phenomenon that I have witnessed with so many of my single friends.

Scenario: Boy meets girl, boy and girl become exclusive, boy and girl become inseparable, boy and girl "live together" without living together, including doing each other's laundry, paying each other's bills, taking care of each other's pets and children. You get the point.

As I recall from back in the annals of time when I was dating, this is a very exciting time. Everyday you learn so much about each other and mundane, daily activities have an excitement that was never there before. It is certainly a time to be enjoyed.

(and here comes the big) BUT, I have found that some people revel in the companionship and the "white picket fence" of it all so much, that they choose to overlook the red flags that seem to be popping up all over the place. One GF of mine is engaged to a guy who has a 4 year old son and she has been playing house since two weeks into the relationship. She loves going to the park as a family and "playing mom" to her soon-to-be step-son by dressing him up in lacoste polo shirts and going to his parent/teacher conferences. All the while, she is completely oblivious to the bitter, ugly and exhausting custody battles that have been and will likely continue to rage between her fiancee and his ex-wife for the next 14 years, as well as the emotional toll that it takes on her relationship with her fiancee.

Some people equate playing house with long term commitment and compatibility. Long term commitment is not about playing house. Long term commitment is about staying and working it out when you would rather go back to your own apartment, cool off and watch Sex in the City. Long term commitment is 99% about substance and 1% about form. There is no such thing as "taking a break" from marriage to find out if there is anyone else better out there.

So cherish playing house. Learn from it. Take it for what it is worth. But remember next time you ask him, "wanna come over [and play house]?" not to confuse the thrilling novel game with l-o-v-e.

The games we play.

It’s like when you were little and the little boy from across the street came over to play, and you made him play house. Except now, there’s making out. And real food. And, no one has to go home when the streetlights come on.

In fact, sometimes you never go home at all.

I have been playing house with RCB for the better portion of the last month. He spends at least five nights a week with me. We cook together, we clean together, we watch tv together. We lay on the couch and read together. We go places together. Are you getting the “together” part of all of this?

It’s kind of weird how one can fall into such a comfortable routine. It’s no longer really a question as to if he’s coming over but, more so, when. We have become so used to each other that it’s kind of scary.

But what’s scarier is the fact that we are playing house. While it’s obvious to both of us that we “like like each other,” there is no talk of marriage or, really, “what” we are doing. We are just doing. There is lots of talk about tomorrow and next month and this summer and the nebulous future. But I think the “pretend” aspect of this scenario is keeping up so occupied that nothing else matters.

I feel like I’ve reverted to childhood with this seemingly innocuous game. This time, though, it’s not so harmless and there is an intensity to it that is unequivocal to anything I’ve ever done or felt. But, is it really that intense or do I have blinders on because I like having someone wash the dishes while I put the laundry away? Because I like cuddling on the couch and watching Jeopardy? Because the thought of going to bed alone makes me kind of sad? Do I like playing house or do I like the idea of it? If we switched RCB out with someone else, would I feel the same?

If you had asked me a month ago, I would have said maybe. Ask me right now.

Not a Shred of Romance

Is it so wrong that I bought my husband a paper shredder for Valentine's Day?

I feel like this may come back to haunt me if we ever have a Dr. Phil intervention.

At least I have a comeback though - he bought me a blender.

So much for sexy lingerie, chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne.......

V.D. Free

Yes, I am. How about the rest of you? Did the snow and ice wreck your dinner plans? Please tell me it did...I am here in beautiful weather (though i was told this morning it may "freeze" early Saturday morning *gasp*) and not only did I not have a date (and/or any other sort of loose variation) for Valentines, I am under the weather. Started in the head, woke up with it in the chest...you know the drill.

One week after I started taking regularly a B12 and Vitamin C. Bullshit.

So what happened to the other bloggers? I'm only showing a few...did Objection and Dr. Strangelove, etc fall off face of earth...

Too little, too late...

...but entertaining nevertheless. From the good people at my Google homepage, I found this today:

http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss

Work on your technique, folks. Apparently there is a protocol one must follow when giving tongue. Ew, I hate that term.

Smooch away, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Ready or not, here I come. Maybe.

Let me begin by saying that last night I sat on my couch watching a basketball game sans RCB. Um, who am I and what have I done with RD?

Ok, now down to business. As seems to be happening quite a bit recently (and slightly out of character for me, but maybe I have a new character emerging), a lunchtime conversation I was having with a gal pal turned to the subject of bedroom activities. The impetus of the conversation was actually quite amusing: I was saying how, because I have been watching so many sporting events on television, I have come to realize how prolific the commercials for ED are and how it has become a joke with me and RCB.

Now, I realize it is a drastic segue, but our talk did eventually turn to what happens when one or both parties are unable to culminate the activities, if you will.

You know, if there's no peak...no climax...no pinnacle...no...fine, no orgasm.

Sometimes, things happen. But, what if it's perpetual on one or both sides? Do you talk about it? If so, how do you bring it up? Is that an obvious indication that the sex is bad, or is it just a force of nature? If you're the girl, do you take lessons learned from Meg Ryan and fake it, hoping he doesn't realize it? What if he calls you on it--how can you justify this blatant insult on his manhood? (I recognize, through my extensive magazine related research, that emulating Sally may not be the best idea because 1. you are accepting less than what you want/need, and 2. it doesn't help to make anything better. How can you and he work to achieve "the big o" if you don't address it? - or so says the magazines.) If he's the one who is having trouble, do you acknowledge it or do you roll over and go to bed?

More importantly, what happens if this evasion of pleasure becomes a common occurence? Are there underlying issues that are causing this? Are either one of both of you just not that into it any more? Is it grounds for a break-up? Are sex and its benefits more important than the friendship and companionship that also make up the relationship?

I realize that in an open and honest relationship, these are all things that can and should be discussed in an easy manner and that should be worked on together with your partner. However, I also realize the sensitive nature of this subject and the various implications that come with it. It's hard to soften the blow when you're the girl and it is he who is having the performance issues. Interestingly enough, it's probably easier for the girl to talk about it if she's the one with the issue. But, conversely, it's probably difficult for the man to hear that his woman isn't pleased, that she's not enjoying the interaction to its greatest capacity. Is it an ego thing? Does that make it harder (or not, whatever the case may be)?

Seems to be a sticky subject.

My Boy (reference to the TBS show)

There’s a guy, a fellow doctor, with whom I’ve become good friends through work. From the minute I first met him over this past summer I was attracted to him and for the past 7 months we have spent almost every weekend that we’ve both been in town for together, and some days during the week, along with our core group of 2-3 other friends. What has happened since has been the development of a close friendship while he’s continued to casually date (never seeing more than two or three times because he breaks up with them) women he meets online (and I've casually dated as well). He is concerned about major events in my life and always calls me to see how I am doing when I am away on business trips. None of my other guy friends and I do this – hey, we’ll be having beers in a week. I have dated no one seriously both since we met and since my break-up with Flyboy last June (sad, I know, but I’m scared!) And while I believe there’s a definite mutual chemistry that’s evolved between the two of us, he has never taken the initiative to spend time with me alone.

Yesterday this guy expressed to me in conversation the fact that he’s incredibly insecure, and afraid of pursuing a real relationship because he fears a woman he’s extremely into will ultimately reject him, implying that he toys around with online dating in order to feel like he’s really in the dating game when the truth is he’s not at all secure enough to be. I'm not at all cocky, but as we talked about this stuff, he made eye contact the whole time, blushed, and touched me, all indications that he might be slightly more into me. My question to you readers is – how do I broach this subject, and, more importantly, do I broach it?

From our friendship, I know there are many reasons why we would make a good couple (we have a ton in common both value and personality wise, right down to our deep seated insecurities and history of having been late bloomers in dating). I feel a physical attraction. My rational mind (which has read HJNTIY) tells me if he were into me, he would have made a move by now as he’s a guy and clearly capable of doing so, that I’ve simply been put in that 'just friends' category. The truth is that, on occasion, I’ve become slightly angry at him for not having acted sooner, and probably acted colder than I’ve wanted to towards him, as a result, perhaps driving him away? My less rational (i.e. emotional) mind says this guy and I could be very good for each other, we have great conversations, he eases the stress of my normally taxing workday, I think I do the same for him, and we connect emotionally (and physically, well, in my fantasies, at least).

If you’ve read my past posts that involve fwb, he does NOT know about him - fwb has since left the area, gone overseas, in fact. Also things with my male friend (see December 19th post) who I was seeing over the holidays never sizzled, mostly due to my lack of attraction, so that issue is a non-issue as well…

The more I think about it, the more I just freeze… What’s a girl to do (if anything)? Relationships are hard enough, but potentially putting a friendship on the line is even harder.

Oh, Stupid Cupid.

So, things with RCB are still progressing. But so, unfortunately, is time. Which means that the up until this year dreaded February 14 is right around the corner.

Who am I kidding? I am dreading it this year with more angst than usual. Typically, I pretend the "holiday" doesn't even exist, choosing, instead, to celebrate Singles' Awareness Day. In the past this has included treating myself to myriad personal treats to include, but not be limited to, a nice dinner out, some new threads, a red Kitchenaid mixer...whatever.

This year I actually have a--dare I say it--boyfriend. And an unrealistic fear of the holiday that is all hearts and arrows, candy and flowers. Why do I find it so difficult to say, "Hey, RCB, what are we going to do next Wednesday?" We talk about things much more important and intimate than that. So what's the deal?

More importantly, what if we do not talk about it? Do I buy secret gifts just in case he does (in case you're reading, the red Nano is screaming my name) and give them only if I get something? As one not versed in these romantic games and gestures, I am virtually clueless.

Why do I feel this pressure? Isn't it just another Wednesday in the neighborhood?