Perspective

UPDATE: Dinner never occurred. It was to be last Wednesday but both of us had scheduling conflicts...so we moved to Friday. Friday morning I get an email cancelling with a good excuse...but one he should have made prior to the day of...

so my response was that i understood but that since he didn't seem to be interested in having dinner with me and i was starting to feel same...we shouldn't worry with rescheduling.

i got no response to that...

which is probably for the best. i'm sure i'll see him around and unfortunately for me i have much bigger things to worry about...

Overanalysis Part II

It's not so fun you know....and it is really no wonder the ones we don't want are the ones that stick around. I was really silly. I know this I accept it. I am at times a spoiled brat (gasp!) But in all actuality there really isn't much there to analyze and something was made out of nothing and now at the end of today. I'm tired of it all.

and feel beyond stupid.

but it did give me blogging material.

Letting him in.

There comes a time in every relationship when boundaries disappear and your world turns into his and vice versa. I think that time has come with me and RCB.

You all know, by now, that we are pretty much inseparable. Spending every day and night together is great. We are comfortable around each other and have developed a routine. One that includes him having to be buzzed into my building every time he comes "home" because he doesn't have a key.

He doesn't have a key.

Now, here's the interesting thing: my phone, my access to the buzzer that opens the door for him, died an early death yesterday. RIP. I don't feel like going to get a new one. The phone being dead, mind you, obviously does not preclude him from getting upstairs. We're smart kids who aren't entirely incapable of seeing alternatives.

He can call my cell and say he's downstairs. He can throw pebbles at my window or serenade me from the front steps. Or, he can accept a set of keys.

Is it too soon to offer these keys to my kingdom? Does offering them extend to him the idea that this relationship is moving into a new realm? He gladly accepted a parking sticker so that he's not stopped and accosted every time he attempts to drive through the gates. But are keys different?

Overanalysis

My number one way of defeating any relationship or would-be relationship. And I'm about to do it again for the sake of this blog. We have to get this thing rolling...so...

St. Patrick's Day is my holiday...based on my name and eye color I've claimed it to be mine. So this year I planned to do it up in grand style (last year's holiday consisted of really really crappy double date...i was determined to exorcise that experience from my memories)

The "boy" was going to be there as well. The boy didn't really know about my crush. Though I don't think I was that subtle...so here is the background:

Meet months ago by chance. Am on date with lump. We run into them at the store when picking up wine and meet "boy" and his roommate. I note his cuteness.

Lump is now out of picture. Or at least when he comes into my sights I leave the scene.

Friend has party. I can only go to party for a few minutes, note boy is there and again think he is cute.

So next week am having brunch with party friend and I say what is up with boy. I have a crush. (though I usually have a few) She says you should crush him. I say I do. She says he is coming to brunch next Sunday you should come. I say okay.

I show up at brunch. I think he is funny. He likes kickball. So I email him (yes...this was my initiating I patted myself on back for in earlier post) He emails back. I finally send him cute email asking what he likes to do...he tells me...life goes on.

Next Friday I see party friend. She says boy asked what was going on tomorrow night. I say we should go out and suggest karaoke. Saturday comes. I actually don't want to go out...other friend says just go. I go have good time. He pays lots of attention to me. He walks me home (he lives near me) and I feel bad he is walking me home then i find out when he emails me Monday morning that he got lost walking back for two hours.

I email back that I am so sorry but that I appreciate the walk home. No response. Which is fine he is busy.

Wednesday night we go for korean bbq. He and I are first to arrive. He is on phone so I get out of my car and start walking in. He ends call and yells after me "aren't you even going to wait for me? I turn "You were on phone" He says "you are all dressed up." i die a little because OF COURSE i am dressed up because he is going to be there. I lie and say I had a bad day at work so was just trying to shrug it off...We get inside and are seated and he looks at me and says "did you get your hair done" I'm like "do I?" and he's says "no, did you just get your hair done" and I said "No, why, does is look okay?" He says "it's fine"

So now because I am generally not insecure...am now feeling insecure and uncomfortable.

So I throw out at dinner...what is going on this weekend for the holiday. The boy suggests a bar and those of us in town say we will go. I find out at some point he is moving.

So Saturday comes...

Nothing really happens early. Hanging with friends. Confirm his moving with party friend. So I say well I'm not going to attach to a mover so I'll just flirt and be breezy, plus I'm not really sure he's in interested.

Boy has a habit of using my words back against me. Not in a mean way, actually it is usually funny and in a teasing context. But it sends me a little off kilter...as my crush gets a little stronger. But I call him on it. I turn to him after one of the occasions and say "Jeez. Do you remember everything I say?" and he looks me in the eye and says "Yeah. I sort of do. I sort of do it on purpose." So now I'm really flustered.

Night goes on.

Then I'm standing there in a group with him and some friends and he tells my work friend standing next to him that she's really hot. I am poleaxed. So I remove myself from situation and walk away. I'm not going to stand there and listen. And while I'm not devastated...I'm still a little bruised. Mostly ego speaking...but nonetheless...it took the wind out of my party sails.

Apparently she gave him a little hell for it but he doesn't really care and while she didn't relate it to me I"m thinking he probably said he wasn't interested in me.

Fast forward. It ends up that him, I, his roommate and my work friend all go home together to the boys place. work friend and roommate have hit it off and are hanging together (ha. take that boy!) so boy is all about asking me on the walk what is wrong and i am like you told work friend in front of me how hot she was. and he's like so. and i'm like you could have at least done it when i wasn't around.

we get back to place. he cooks breakfast for himself and work friend. i am not hungry. i am in knots. work friend and roommate are hanging so I am stuck. He is getting irritable and talkign under his breath (which secretly was kind of cute).

Then he pulls me into his room. And we talk. And I get some story about how he doesn't care about things or anything or having sex with me. And I'm like a. that wasn't really planned and b. never ever say that to a girl you want to sleep with. he changes his tune a little at this point and says it's not that he doesn't want to sleep with me but he doesn't care whether it happens. it doesn't. nothing happens. not even kissing. we both just go to sleep.

wake up. first thing he says is work friend is really hot. i'm like you are just mean. he says yes i am. i'm like you said it enough last night i don't need to hear it in morning. he says come on it is funny. i say not really. he says i even at one point pulled her to the side and started telling her how beautiful she was. i'm like i really don't need to hear this and i could have gone without hearing that altogether.

we wake up. work friend and roommate get up. we start teasing him about not putting out. i tell him he still has to cook me dinner on wednesday. becomes big joke about dinner and sex being on my calendar for wednesday. both of us girls are really sarcastic. i tell him my crush is over. and it is. because it has to be. i think it is pretty apparent at this point he doesn't care about anything happening he was just sort of stuck with me the night before.

then i get a call yesterday afternoon that he just drove by a local hot spot and saw me sitting outside. what?

Meet the parents.

And the older brother. And the sister-in-law. In another state, travel to which requires an airplane. For five days.

Yes, folks, the time has come to meet RCB's parents. In three weeks I will be boarding an airplane and joining RCB on a trip up the coast to spend a long weekend with HIS ENTIRE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.

At least they know about me, right?

Yikes.

And don't even get me started on sleeping arrangements. And how my own mother said these exact words: "You really should plan on not sharing a room with him if his parents are there. You don't want to look bad."

Ha.

Leave me breathless.

Warning: this is going to be an "oh no, she's really gone over the deep end" post.

Deal.

This past weekend, I went and visited my bff (we'll call her K) in the new (and exciting) city to which she just moved. My other bff (we'll call her M) came, too, and for four days we did what every girl loves to do--but which, sometimes, boys provide an obstacle to doing. We watched MTv in our pajamas (note to Heidi: dump Spencer/Skeletor), we watched girly movies, we had six hours of spa treatments, we went shopping, we listened to awesome music, we talked, we read...

But I digress. The point of this story is that I was away for four days. This is three days longer than any separation RCB and I have had since Round Three began in January. While I had a great time with my bffs and would have stayed days longer if I didn't have this pesky job thing, I did find myself missing RCB. A lot. And he me, as evidenced by the phone calls and texts while I was away.

I didn't realize how much, though, until I landed back in my own stomping grounds. I called him to let him know I had arrived and that I'd call once I got to the gate so he'd know where to get me. He was already at the baggage claim. As I anxiously and unpatiently waited to deboard, I began becoming more and more excited.

As I approached the baggage claim area and saw him, my stomach and heart both dropped. In a good way. I realized then what the phrase "take my breath away" means. There have been occasions in the past when he would lean over to kiss me and I'd find myself out of breath. Odd, I'd think. I'm not tremendously out of shape, and the kissing has just started. Why am I feeling like this?

It's because, at the risk of sounding cheesy, he takes me breath away. Literally. Figuratively. And all that falls in between.

I was going to post about my year and all the ups and downs but realized none of them involved relationships...especially those with men. I have seemed to unwittingly spent the past six months in a sort of datingl coma. Sure I've partied and have been social...but I haven't really invested much in anyone at any time. In fact, at one point I went out with a guy at the urging of my friends even though I knew I didn't want to and wasn't attracted to him. And he was the one that looked stupid in the end. So in hopes of shedding off my past year and entering one which (hopefully!) will include many highs and lows in the dating realm and, in turn provide me with insane amounts of blog material, here are some new rules, and the first steps I have takend to begin implementing them in my life:

1. I will take better care of myself.

I am hitting the gym (fairly regularly) and getting pedicures bi-weekly. Soon I hope to add in facials...massages...yoga...sky's the limit. Oh and I actually finally got a fun rockstar hairdo...much more indicative of my personality than the all one lenght blunt cut.

2. I will join groups which do fun things.

I have recently joined a weekly kickball team and next week am joining flag football (which will be very interesting because I'm not that athletic but I've realized I like men that are...so go where they go)

3. I will have lots of crushes and I will be vocal about them.

In the past, I have never said I like someone or am attracted to someone out of fear that they may not feel the same about me...i know, it is shocking. How could someone not realize how absolutely amazing I am.

So recently, I've been vocal about my crushes. A few months ago I met a guy when I was out on a date with the lump I mentioned above...we ran into him in a store and the lump never introduced me. About three weeks ago, he was at a party I attended...and so the next weekend at brunch I asked that party's hostess...who is that guy I have a crush? She told me to keep having a crush and invited him last weekend...

so what did I do??? I emailed him (AGAIN another out of the norm action taken by me)

so we've now been emailing...talked about getting lunch...and he invited me to dinner with friends next week.

so my final rule this year (at least for right now)

4. I will initiate contact with men.

Missed anniversaries.

In an effort to gather thoughts and experiences so that I would have blog fodder (I'm assuming my fellow blogettes (AHEM) are doing the same...) I completely missed the one year anniversary of PWM.

Oh how far we've come. Or at least how far I've come.

In a little over a month, I will be celebrating the anniversary of my first (of only two) online dates. Before that, as you know, my dating prospects had been brought to me by family, friends and my place of work. The internet did not bode any better, but I stuck it out through six long months of membership.

In this past year, perhaps among the most eventful of my life, so much has transpired. I signed up for online dating, despite my extreme vehemence to do so. I exchanged emails and winks and flirty banter with strangers. I went on two dates and accepted the fact that email personalities and real life ones are often drastically different. I mastered the art of e-flirting. I helped coordinate awesome sounding dates that never came to be and accepted that, sometimes, people just fall off the face of the earth. And that's okay.

I started a dating blog, which isn't as anonymous as I first anticipated it to be. I defended myself against commenters who knew not me nor my situation but still felt the need to comment on my life. I re-entered the real life dating world, albeit with a former participant. I dated. I learned to let people in. I learned how to deal when those who were let in decided they wanted out. And how to accept them back into my life.

I learned how to communicate better, with friends and beaus. I learned how to sit back and enjoy things for what they were. I tried to learn how to not overanalyze and not try to extract meaning from every word and deed. I learned that it is very easy to convince yourself you are in a good and healthy relationship but it takes actually being in one to grasp the fact that, all those other times, you were deluding yourself.

I learned when it was appropriate to share the goings on in my love life and when it was better to keep things to myself. I learned that true friends love you no matter what and will support you through most of your tribulations but oftentimes have a harder time forgiving and forgetting than you do--but that, eventually, they will come around.

I learned and fully understand that relationships take work--a lot of it--and those who say they don't or they shouldn't are fooling themselves. But I also learned that the work you put in, when it pays off, is worth all the trouble and heartache it took you to get to that point.

Happy belated anniversary, PWM.