Flash from the past.

After 3 weeks of hanging out with FWB, I received a random phone call this weekend from FBO (flyboy original) who I dated for only two months almost two years ago. We sort of unspokenly cut things off when he moved to another area of the country, and I missed him for a while, probably about as much as one can after knowing someone for two months. He was flying out to where I am also on travel for work, and wanted to meet up. We caught up, over dessert and drinks. He was cuter, and more mature than I remembered him. Most interesting thing in common was that we are both recently out of year-long relationships with significant others who were divorced after decade long marriages with two kids. Turned out we are in basically the same place as far as where we are in our dating careers... if only the geographic situation were different. He was genuinely respectful more than anything, and this struck me – not just outwardly, but he was really interested - in me. Why does this seem strange or unusual? My own personal example of what Objection was talking about, i.e. not knowing what you need or deserve until you have it, or have a taste of it. Often I think that the military sucks as far as stationing you as far away as possible from the ones who inevitably get away. Does the distance make him seem better than he really is? Probably, alas, it's likely that I’ll never know.

Good on Paper, Sucks at Life

About two years ago, I ended a [very] longterm relationship. Okay, so maybe I didn't end it so much as it was ended for me, but whatever. Revisionist history. Anyway, at the conclusion of that relationship, I made the comment that I'd fallen once for love, and the next time around, I was falling for money. After all, the love thing hadn't worked out so well. It just ended up with me getting really hurt.

Fast forward to March-April 2006. I start online dating and meet EE. Now, let me permit the readers to enter my [crazy] mind a bit. You know how girls always play the game of how does his last name sound when combined with my first name? (come on ... we ALL do this). Well, in my new single phase, I started playing a different game. It's called, how will the wedding announcement sound. You see, I'm from the deep south, where the wedding annoucement is key. So, I asked myself, were I to marry EE [for example] how would it sound. The answer? Great. EE went to excellent schools, has an extremely successful and impressive career. Yup, the Junior Leaguers would approve. And, as I continued to be tempted by FWB, I would remind myself that EE was financially successful and that such success certainly translated to stability. It didn't matter that he wouldn't hold my hand in public. It didn't matter that he could not discuss the concept of "us". It didn't matter that the bed games had an almost clinical feel 80% of the time or that I wasn't permitted to look in the refrigerator. Good on paper, literally and figuratively.

Interestingly, we don't always notice what's missing in a relationship, or how important those missing components might be, until we find a subsequent partner who gives us what we need. RD and I discussed this very concept at length yesterday. She too found that part of her attraction to Him was the financial stability. Again, He was good on paper, but he sucked at life.

Enter AG. AG and I have continued to interact and things are going well. This explains my absence from the blog. All those things that were missing with EE, seem to be present in AG. And, because I needed those things and missed them so much in the context of EE, I am tremendously grateful to find them present in AG. Yup. I could be in real trouble here. You know it's trouble when suddenly the three carat Harry Winston doesn't matter any more.

There's that old expression, "you can marry a rich man just as easily as a poor one." Okay, sure you can. But not if that rich man doesn't hold your hand in public. Not if that rich man doesn't let you see the inside of his refrigerator. Not if that rich man is really as cold as the unseen contents of the inside of that same refrigerator. Nope. Not me. Not this girl. I'm on a quest for something more. Wanted: Good on Paper, Great at Life.

My own personal Dr. Ruth(s).

When it comes to discussing s-e-x and intimate issues, this usually talkative and over sharing RD becomes nearly silent. This may stem from being a late bloomer and having to cower as friends suggested a game of "I never," or, even more early on, from being afraid (for some still undiscovered reason) to reveal the name of my crush[es] under the maple tree on the elementary school playground. Just never been comfortable doing it. Ha, guess that has more meaning than I meant it to have.

Thankfully, I have three great go-to gals, all of whom you all (by this point) may know just as well as I do. Each one brings to the situation a different view; I can speak to each about different things. Once I combine all the insight, I have a good, solid take on the situation. This is not to say that I do not call in others from time to time to hash out goings on.

Let's start with Dr. Strangelove. She has known me since I was in that precarious shell, when I would do all it took to avoid contact of any sort with members of the opposite sex. She watched as I went from a very awkward college freshman to the dater I am today. As a medical professional, she gives all the "practical" advice. Thoughts and feelings (psychological and physical) can be discussed, at no cost, at any time. More often than not, I leave conversations with her feeling less like the awkward college freshman I often internally purport myself to be and feeling more like a normal, almost 30 year old woman out in the dating world.

Next comes Romance Junkie. With her, it's no holds barred, tell every last detail. She is one of the only people with whom I can be compeltely honest about all that happened (and, in some cases, didn't). She is a bastion of knowledge on a wide variety of topics and is free with advice, suggestions, encouragement and sometimes even admonishment. She is also a fan of responsibility.

Finally, we have Objection. Poor Objection was first introduced to my dating scenarios in the midst of Him. She must have thought I was relationship illiterate or something. She helped me through that and has been a constant source of encouragement with situations since. She, too, is open and honest. A self-proclaimed expert on several relationship relevant topics, Objection is always ready to listen to the problem and give a practical and honest solution.

Who needs Cosmo advice columns or Dr. Sue Johanson when you've got experts like this in your very midst already?

Sexy, slutty or just plain sassy

Halloween is here...and this year I have put off the whole costume thing until today. I have also found out that any of the assortment of "plans" i may choose to participate in this evening all require costumes. Not because no one will be at the locations not in costume...but for the fact my friends i will attend with all have great costumes. sometimes friends can be the bane of my existence.

So I'm sitting here with my costume box...which has dwindled over the years and mainly consists of colorful feather boas and funny hats thinking I have to actually go buy something.

So now comes the decision...do I go sexy, slutty or just plain sassy?

I'm leaning toward slutty.

In over my head.

Prideless update on my barely a love life: as is obvi from my most recent posts, my “relationship” with etb is ongoing. What started out as what I thought would be my first-ever one night stand has progressed into dinner, drinks, and sex, once or twice a week, accompanied by daily conversations and texting throughout the day. He has taken the initiative to call in advance to make dinner plans once or twice a week, and for the first time on Wednesday, actually blew off guy buddies to see me alone. Great conversation. Long talk over beers after we were done with sushi. He refused to let me pay. Extremely comfortable, like I never have been after knowing someone for only this long. What gives? Is this still fwb? I’m well aware that I’m probably incapable of actually having the true fwb “relationship” no matter how hard I try, because, let’s face it, I just care, and I can’t and don’t want to help it.

Now, before you begin to think (as I admittedly have done more than once over the past few weeks) that surely there is something more there, that maybe this will be in the 0.5% of fwb relationships that turn into something real, let me inform you that I am not etb’s only fwb. There is another girl who in fact works in our same circles, thus complicating things. When he is with me, though, on his own accord, etb goes on and on about how not into other fwb he is, how she has too much baggage, and he cannot ever foresee having anything more than what they currently have with her. He mentions that while he was hurt by a failed marriage, he wants to marry again someday, but is afraid of real commitment now (what boys say these things?). No mention, whatsoever though, of ending things with her or taking things with me further. Does he really want to be with someone who doesn’t care (i.e. her) about him? I am by no means ready to bring this up in conversation, but know that I have to eventually.

As RD eloquently and accurately stated - I do not want to be a decision he makes, I want to be something he knows he wants. But my dilemma is this - I know that if he really is only capable of fwb, he will likely cut things off or scale way back if he knows how I really feel, and because I feel, I am not sure I am ready to lose him yet. In fwb relationships, is it possible to fake it till you make it?

i'm making spaghetti if you want to come eat

the romance in my life has reached spectacular proportions. if i continue to be wooed and courted so extravagantly i will probably perish from the joy of it.

what-ev.

this is how i was last asked out. i didn't go of course. because did i fail to mention...this was via text messaging.

TEXT MESSAGING. i must say i am NOT a fan. is it acceptable to others? i mean he falls about 4 years younger. he probably had a cell phone at 13...

but still one would think that asking a woman out for a 3rd date would at least rate a call. and the text quoted above in the title...puh-leese.

i would love to know others views on this text messaging dating thing. i'm not down with it. but should i be? should i lower standards a bit?

though i hardly think a phone call is too much to ask for...

"If you can attain repose and calm, believe that you have seized happiness."

Because my [fabulous] job gives me the flexibility to work from home, that is what I did today. Unfortunately, my entire night will be spent working from home, as my traditional eight hour workday was spent hanging out with RCB before his departure for the weekend. The first weekend in three weekends we wouldn't see each other.

We had a great morning...he worked while I feigned work (lbh, I was discretely watching him work, much more productive and amusing). We chatted off and on. Then we went to lunch. We came home and hung out a little bit before we had to leave for the airport.

When we got there, he said he'd see me in a few days and I promised I wouldn't run away before he came back, insuring him a ride home. Late Sunday night.

On the way home (and several text messages later), I realized that I had seen him more in the past three weeks and done more with him (heads out of the gutter) than I did in the entire seven plus months I knew (it has been downgraded to knowing) Him. That really struck me. During that time, I thought I was so happy. Alas, I was far from it. He who is good on paper is not necessarily good in person (Objection, please concur). He who is good in person, who is a good person, is the one who wins in the end.

So, friends, for the first time in a long time, I am legitimately calm. I have no heart palpitations, nor upset stomach. I'm eating. I know that if he says he'll call, he'll call. This is not to say that I won't have an hour or two when I will have a mini freak out, but those have been few and far between as of late.

Pros and Cons of an FWB (Friends With Benefits) “Relationship”

My Dad taught me to make these lists, if he only knew what I was applying this skill to now...

PROS
1. He/she is (hopefully) hot and the sex is mind-blowing.
2. There is no emotional drama in the “relationship” because you both know it’s not a real relationship.
3. It works for both parties, especially if they have been hurt by relationships past and are not yet willing to risk too much.
5. There a level of comfort in familiarity.
6. There is some level of care for each other’s well beings, hence the friends designation.
7. No jealousy (in theory).
8. #1 deserves repeating - it's fun!

CONS
1. Every time that you “see” him/her the risk of getting sucked in emotionally increases.
2. If you’re not willing to risk that much, then are you really that into each other? The knowledge that you may not be his/her ‘the one’.
3. Potential for heartbreak if emotions inevitably follow anyways.
4. Awkwardness in public when you're not sure how to act.
5. Absence of a real emotional relationship, at least the type that you envision yourself having with ‘the one’.

Some of these carry more weight than others of course, so this is not necessarily an endorsement or statement that pros outweigh cons, please feel free to add any more you can think of.

It's a good feeling when...

1. You walk into the bathroom and see his toothbrush in your toothbrush holder...and it doesn't bother you that it's too big and doesn't really fit.
2. You turn on the tv after he leaves and it's set to ESPN. And you keep it on in the background, as you do work, just because.
3. You have lunch with a girl friend the afternoon after and you can't stop smiling as you talk about all the cute things that he did and said the night before.
4. You can feel him smiling as he kisses the top of your head.
5. You wake up in the middle of the night and shift positions and he shifts with you because he can't stop holding you.
6. He brings you not flowers or candy but a gift so unique to you and so endearing that you don't even know what to say.
7. Your friends ask you what your plans with him are for the weekend, assuming there are plans.
8. You start missing him mere seconds after he leaves.

Regulators, mount up.

You know RCB and I are on a seemingly good path these days. We're talking, we're hanging out and we're "hanging out." So yesterday, because I shouldn't be thinking "should I or shouldn't I," I emailed him a short and cute note. You know, to start his day off well (okay, fine, he wasn't on IM and I was having some withdrawal issues).

So I wait. And wait. And wait and wait and wait. No response.

"He must be busy," I think. But, lbh, who's too busy to send a quick "Hey, I'm busy" email? Certainly not this Reluctant Dater. And, if I were, I'd make time.

But I digress.

I think, "Hey, he has a happy hour tonight [near my house]. Maybe he'll call on his way there or, even better, on his way home." No calls.

I go to bed with a knot in my stomach, after texting LC and letting her know there was still no word.

This morning, I go through all the scenarios in my head. I've already convinced myself it's over, that he's changed his mind, that things went too far too fast. I'm self sabotaging but I can't help it. I contemplate my contingency plan: do I call him? Text him? Email him? Ignore him? Note that we have plans tomorrow that have not been confirmed. What's a girl to do?

I decide to call. My call time slowly backs itself up to right after lunch. I am dying inside, sending emails and IMs to those who will listen, begging for advice. "RD," said one good friend, "you really need to regulate your moods."

He called. And in less time than it takes to spell k-i-s-s-i-n-g, my mood had been altered. Dramatically.

So, I totally need to regulate. And I need to remember, as Objection keeps reminding me, boys don't do things they don't want to do and this one has given me no reason to think that he's in it just to be in it. So deal.

My Fun v. His Feelings

So I'm leaning towards my fun.

For years it has been his fun v. my feelings..."his" being any man i've dated in the past 15 years for the most part (there were a few exceptions). I know that I have a penchant for dating jerks that are either not truly interested in me and/or are just generally emotionally unavailable. There is safety in this sort of dating but feelings are also genuinely hurt upon occasion.

Anyways, right now things (i think) have become reversed. He seems to like me, calls all the time, etc. But he's been on vacation all week and I'm sort of over him...don't really think I was interested in the first place. So I have been advised by some to just have fun with it, it doesn't have to go anywhere. But now I keep thinking what if I hurt his feelings...as I have been in his position more times than I would like to count.

I don't want to pity date, nothing is more uncomfortable than that...especially if the other party tries to instigate intimate situations.

but i do have a good time with him...but let's be honest i don't care if i ever kiss him again. so is that pity dating? and should i even care?

am I making a deal out of nothing?

who knows.

Falling...

...into the trap. Of not writing about my relationships when they are going well.

And, friends, I think I finally have one. A relationship, that is. This is the first time I don't have to say "relationship." Wow. It makes me feel pretentious to say it, like I've turned into that girl, the one who makes things out to be more than they actually are.

I don't want to give details just yet, so as not to jinx it (whatever it may be or become). But, in case you're interested, things with RCB are going well. Very well. I hope that it continues. Thanks to my self-proclaimed (and since adopted as such) life coach...ie the friend who didn't let me sit down and watch this opportunity pass me by; "if you want something, go after it," she said again and again.

So I did. Open mind, open heart, open communication. Closed cynicism switch. Trust.

And a lot of smooching.

Objection's Week In Review

A few bits of excitement from the past few days:

1. I received an e-mail from a kid on one of my Internet dating services of choice. In the first e-mail he asked for my phone number. Uncomfortable with this, I responded avoiding the request. He wrote back and again asked for my number. So, after consulting with RD, I wrote back explaining that I was a bit of an old fashioned on-line dater and liked to e-mail a bit before exchanging numbers. His response? He closed out the match. Truth be told, I wasn't that into it anyway (or else I would have given out the number). The reason I wasn't into it? Well, for one I didn't feel the chemistry and two...well see number 2 below.

2. Second date with AG was a success. Looks like a third date may occur in the near future. Yay! Of course, I'm a little concerned. Due to some technical difficulties, I am not positive my most recent e-mail to him actually sent. I mean, it's in my "sent" mail and there's a flag next to his most recent e-mail indicating that I replied to it, so I'm assuming that it did in fact send. But, I will continue to nervously monitor this until I receive a reply. And, I fear being OTT and thus will not re-send said e-mail. Dear me.

3. FWB returns. That's right. After almost a month of being MIA (a record lack of communication for us), he popped up in my inbox yesterday. In someways, I wonder if the period of MIA was a good thing. Had he been available right after the EE breakup, well we all know what would have transpired...and this would have precluded me from following other leads (aka AG). I haven't responded to FWB yet. I'll give it a day or so. Let's face it, I want to maintain the friendship even sans the benefits, but I need to make him wait at least a day in the old inbox.

That's all from Objection. Never a dull moment.

Why, Oh Why! Are they are ALWAYS married???

I saw him once. He was walking out the door and I just happened to look up as he looked at me. Our eyes met and both time and my heart stopped all at once. But as soon as it began it was over and he was gone. That was over a month ago...

But I saw him tonight. I was moving through a crowd and I looked up to say excuse me as a skirted past a man. Of course it was HIM. And of course, it took me a minute to move my eyes up his chest to his gorgeous blue eyes which recognized me as well.

Then, again, the moment passed and I moved on...only to look back and note that he was part of a foursome and there was a woman latched to his side.

I'm shameless. I knew he had to be married. How could this man still be single?

And there she was a tiny, tiny blonde. The bane of my existence.

Someday I will get over the men who marry petite blondes with pinched faces...someday.

Were Emily Post Still Alive

For those of you not familiar with E-Harmony and the process of closing out a match, allow me to advise. When you decide that you no longer want to correspond with an E-Harmony match, you click on the "close match" button. You are then redirected to a screen where you are asked to check off the box (or boxes) indicating your reason for closing the match. I always find this a bit awkward. Sometimes it's easy. If you listed Jesus or Church as one of the "5 Things You Could Not Live Without," I simply check the box indicating that our values do not mesh. If I do not find you attractive, I check the "other" box. Unfortunately, there's no check box for "I Dated You Previously, You Lied to Me About Not Wanting a Committed Relationship and Now I Never Want to Talk to You Again You Swine." Thus, the rub. I want to close the match to EE. And, part of me (the evil part) wants to "hurt" him in the process. Sure, I would like to check "I'm pursuing other relationships on E-Harmony. It wouldn't be a total lie (second date scheduled for tonight with AG BTW, and I am SO nervous/excited). But, I fear this would ensure bad karma. So, he sits in my inbox. He taunts me. He reminds me of his existence, even though I've pretty much put him out of my mind otherwise. What would Emily Post advise? Never could she have anticipated such a dilemma.

Is that a hickey?

Yes, it is. Apparently my attempt at a casual tryst Saturday night left me with a mark that lasted longer than just one night. This is my first hickey, at nearly 30 years old. I thought I was doing a great job with traditional therapies including the initial icing followed by careful coverup and hair placement until a coworker looked at me and laughed today. Great. Tell me, who's going to respect a doctor with a hickey? The latest on ETB is this - 9 texts today, all incredibly flirty, I'm just not sure I want to subject myself to the damage to my neck - and possibly, my heart, again, not yet anyways...

i'm so being psuedo long distance girlfriended

so i am going through my not-the-most-pleasant-person time of the month (i think AND hope) and i'm trying not to be annoyed...but PLEASE...

we went one one date (last tuesday). i offered to pay for my meal. you had me pay for it. you got my movie ticket but looked at me like i was crazy when i made you buy my drink.

then friday. you text at 9:45ish and say you are coming over to watch movie. you show up at 11:45. you grope me in what i'm sure you thought was sexy but was the exact opposite and when i finally got you to stop you proceeded to pass out on my couch.

now honestly.

why do you think it is okay to call me EVERYDAY? and today when i got your voicemail and didn't return you call, why did you think it was okay to text me "goodnight" later tonight?

and on top of this behavior you don't ask me out or to do anything.

it's not that i don't think you are semi-cute. but let's face it, you haven't exactly swept me off my feet nor do your actions warrant me waiting expectantly for your calls.

grow a pair.

Downward spiral.

On a day when I had serious anxiety and doubts running through my head and heart regarding RCB and our non-situation, I did not need to see a long forgotten phone number flash across my cell phone screen in the middle of the workday.

It was Him.

And because I was sad and upset about RCB and what my imagination was telling me he was doing and who he was doing it with, I answered the phone.

I found myself agreeing it was okay for Him to stop by my office (he was "in the area") and to proceed to go out for coffee (our typical afternoon "date"). He walked into my office and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, commenting that I looked fantastic. Of course I do, Asshole.

We chatted a bit before we left for our usual haunt. He drove. With the top down and the wind blowing through my hair, the sun shining on our faces and Him sitting beside me, I thought, for one effing millisecond, that it was a nice feeling.

We got there and He ordered for me--something, of course, He thought I should try. Fine, whatever. It's coffee, not tequila. We sat and made small talk. I held my cards close, not telling Him anything of any substance or importance. It was not a bad experience, but it was not good.

The worst part of it all was that I sat there and just looked at Him. I looked at Him objectively, without the rush of adrenaline and the excitement of lust. I looked at Him as the man who I spent nine months mooning over, the man who, when asked to define what was going on between us, took the low road and said He couldn't. He could, I know. He just wouldn't.

It made me sad. Not sad enough to shed tears (at least at that moment), but sad. I looked across the table at Him and realized that, just over a year ago, I couldn't imagine living a day without talking to Him. I remembered how happy I would be to see Him or talk to Him or to even just think about him. And then I took stock of my feelings at that moment and realized how disparate they were from those of a year ago. And that is what made me sad. How one could go from having such intense feelings for someone and to have those feelings seemingly reciprocated to this: ambivalence.

When did THAT happen?

BFF and I were at the mall on Saturday going up the escalator. Going down the escalator immediately next to us was an attractive man. A very attractive man. After noticing his piercing blue eyes my own eyes went immediately to his left hand. And I started laughing.

"BFF," I said, "when did looking at the left hand become second nature?"
"I know," she said, "It's not as though, if they don't have a wedding ring, we're going to saunter up to them, bat our eyelashes and ask them out."

When did this happen? When did we start going straight for the hand? Does this mean we're old?

In speaking to another friend about this she, too, was unable to pinpoint when this began occurring but confirmed, in fact, it did. She also added another interesting point--that these ring wearing gentlemen are even more attractive because "isn't it sweet that they love someone enough and are sweet enough to commit to someone?"

Wow. What kind of world do we live in? Objection would say that it's the same world in which we say things like, "we hooked up and we weren't even drunk" because that is something that is important to make note of. Obvi.

With ease comes complexity.

I can’t stop thinking about him. And it’s bad. I know it’s really bad.

Last week I spent time with RCB on three different occasions. This is unprecedented. As you know, he met me and BFF out for drinks. Thursday, he sat with us while we ate lunch—for an hour, just chatting and hanging out. Friday night he came over for dinner and a movie, despite the fact that work, that day, had him no where near my home (usually, his office is a mere 15 minutes away). He, of course, stayed over. We, of course, had a fantastic time.

And, thus, the rub.

I like spending time with him. I like talking to him as I cook dinner. I like answering his phone calls when he’s on his way to my house, just letting me know he’s running a little late. I like talking with him over a bottle of wine and debating over which movie to watch. I like horizontally sharing the couch and actually watching the movie, with his fingers running through my hair, his chin resting on the top of my head. I like hearing him brushing his teeth as I put on my pajamas. I like laying in bed with his arms around me, listening to our breathing come into synch.

I do not like not knowing “what” is going on between us, where it is going, who he is seeing and what he is doing when he’s not with me, what he wants from me…how he sees us. If he sees an “us” and not just an us. I do not like the fact that I am afraid to ask him.

I know this fear is a sign of something many will say is unhealthy—that if we had a good relationship, I wouldn’t be afraid to tell him what’s on my mind. I contend it’s not fear…I really and truly feel like it’s just not the right time, that the right time is going to present itself in the near future. I think it’s too soon. I hope that is the case, because if not, I’m going to have to think back to that time a month ago when I had the courage to defend myself and my feelings and tell him what was on my mind. I will remember how good it felt to tell him and have him understand.

One Month Later

Almost a month to the day of my breakup with EE, I got back on the horse and had my first date with AG. The date went very well. I found that I was far more comfortable than I generally am on first dates. LBH, I can talk to basically anyone about anything, but there's a real difference between nervous prattle and/or FB and real, honest, open conversation. And, unlike my first date with EE, I was even conscious of AG's eye color at the end of the evening. The date ended with promises to exchange real contact info (as opposed to just corresponding through our online dating service's e-mail), discussion of getting together again, and a brief hug. I like him. That's a simultaneously thrilling and scary reality. Having sent my contact info already and having heard nothing in response as of yet, I'm afraid maybe I sent said contact information too soon. Ah, the world of dating. So. Much. Effing. Fun.

Eat My Words

Maybe it’s not that simple. To always be so serious in one’s pursuit of the one…

After a painful fairly recent end to my long-standing relationship with FB (flyboy) and a somewhat proud history of never having had a one night stand, a long work-related flirting history that had escalated exponentially over the past couple of weeks culminated in us finally ending up back at my place last night. No longer can I make firm declarations that standards must always be maintained. I have learned that there definitely is room for fun in there too. I think that Kerner (author of BHYNTIHE) had it right when he said there is a place for casual sexual relationships but preferably only when they are earth-shattering, or near-earth-shattering. And this one was, I think, partially, because we both mutually care for each other, at least within the confines of our professional relationship.
For multiple, complicated reasons, I do not expect that this will turn into actual dating (and, I think this is mutual). I do worry though that the feared, possibly inevitable, emotional attachment is just lurking around the corner waiting for me. But, being breezy, fun, and single now, this might prove to be the ultimate FWB relationship, serving nicely to help me get over FB in due time. And what’s wrong with that?

I went into last night thinking it was going to be just this one time, but ETB (exam table boy) is already wondering if I will visit him while he is “on call” tonight. Grey’s Anatomy? Not exactly McDreamy, but close...

Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.

A fine kindergarten lesson, no? Or, in the world of dating, definitely a good rule of thumb.

Yes, friends, today we are going to collectively discuss a topic that, until now, might have been thought taboo on this blog. But, since we all talk about it anyway, we thought we’d share our great insights and horror stories, opinions and gripes.

I’m talking about what Katie Couric so aptly termed “the new third base.”

So. Much. To. Say.

Unfortunately, not much time to say it. So, this entry may come in daily, weekly, or monthly installments. Here's the first.

Let’s start with the age old debate of “this is way more intimate than sex, why can’t we just have sex?” Men tend to say it and women, in our experience, are often great defenders of the opposite opinion. Many believe that, while tangibly and physically more intimate, the new third base is not, in the least, more emotionally intimate. In our experience, men have a difficult time accepting this argument. Some of us have had many a conversation (during inopportune times, mind you) regarding this topic. Women cling to the emotional components of these encounters. This act contributes to far less “baggage” than the other. Trust us.

Why the difference in opinion? Some of us hold out on the actual s-e-x and partake in everything but (EB) because, for us, it means less. Some of us have been “complimented” on our willpower (*ahem* stubbornness). There are many reasons why it’s different, the least of which is not that IT JUST IS.

This is not to say that the act isn’t equally, or almost as equally, emotionally tying as sex, just not more. While we may think it carries less “baggage” than sex, we also, perhaps paradoxically, believe it can tie you emotionally to a person who you might not have been all that into in the first place. Therefore, one could argue that this act should only be undertaken in a relationship where you are monogamous or, at least, comfortable and where you know someone’s disease potential (scary but true, says the sex ed instructor), but where you are still scared, nevertheless.

This is not an endorsement of the idea that sometimes ‘the new third base’ is less scary than sex with a new partner, that it should be undertaken casually, or in the back of school buses.


Some of us, however, are of the opposite opinion. Rounding third base does not bond us to the lucky man in any way, shape or form and does not cause emotional attachment. However, once we have become emotionally attached to our partner, we become far more willing to initiate this.

Then there are others of us who find oral sex to be more intimate...especially if performed on them. Because you feel more exposed and all the attention is being focused on you and your happiness, on what you want, it allows for greater intimacy. This, of course, is all relative to the act of actual sex, which is—at least sometimes—a mutually beneficial experience.

Of course, there are some out there who don’t differentiate between the two. If you’re willing to do one, you’re willing to do another.

There you go. But we'll leave you with this (unrelated) thought: men, do not casually mention in conversation the fact that you saw a great t-shirt the other day that said “Spitters are Quitters.” This sighting is not at all appropriate to tell the girl you are dating, especially if you are just getting to know each other. Girls remember the things you tell them. And that is something that will definitely stick (haha). We have all heard of this shirt, and it makes us want to gag.

girlfriending.

I don't understand this phenomenon...it was more understandable in my college days I guess but as a girl working on her 30th year! Why???!!!!

i know you all know what girlfriending is...that tendency for a man to take you out, make you his girlfriend immediately, call incessantly, pay lavish attention to you...then three months later...nothing. nada. zilch. you become a nag when you innocently ask "what did you end up doing last weekend?"

i have been victim of this more times than i would actually admit (which darlings...means never, of course) and i am now the wiser...i hold myself back a bit...to make it clear that i am not girlfriending material...girlfriend maybe...but you don't get to girlfriend me for awhile...

so why do i mention this now that i am so above this behavior??? because dear readers...now my FRIENDS ask me why I do this...and think i'm being silly and unspontaneous.

Um.

The RCB Paradox.

So, my bff from college is visiting me this week. After an ordeal consisting of lost luggage, bad directions and the worst rental car ever, she arrived at my office ready to have drinks. With me. And RCB.

How I got him to agree to come with us, I do not know. What boy wants to spend an hour or two with two girl friends who hadn't seen each other in months? Ok, so maybe I said something like "we see each other all the time, you won't be intruding" in response to [his obvious] "I don't want to interrupt girl time."

So he came and the three of us had drinks and talked and laughed. It was fun. A lot of fun. BFF, once RCB left, said, "RD, I really like him. He's nice and cute and funny and engaging...but then I remember all we know. And I get really confused. WTF is his deal? I just don't get him. He's so weird."

Yes, BFF, neither do I. Neither do I.

BFF also said she woke up in the middle of the night with the revelation: "RCB is just immature!" Ah, but we knew this and, in fact, he has admitted it to me himself. (Hoist that flag!)

Lately I've thought that maybe it's not worth the effort of trying to understand him, that I should cut my losses. Especially since I suspect that I'm not the only girl who is gazing into his amazing blue eyes. Which, as my sage mother said, I can't hold against him because he doesn't owe me anything at this point.

But then he gets up to leave and touches my arm and tells me he'll talk to me the next day. And serious electricity courses through my body.

Am I just naive?

One of my coworkers and male friends just informed me that he was changing his entire approach to women. Previously this was a guy who, while we had no chemistry together, I would have quickly recommended to a female friend. He now is "no longer looking to meet women for marriage". What the heck does that mean? Do guys really go into 'casual dating (i.e. sex) only' mode? I know many people do this some of the time, but isn't it strange to block out the possibility of meeting someone with whom you might form a lasting connection? I like to think that everyone, even if it's really deep down, secretly wants to meet 'the one'. Are these guys telling the women they're dating of their expectations (or lack of)? I bet not. To me this is further evidence why we women need to maintain our (hopefully high but reasonable) standards at all costs. Thoughts?

Were You Lying Then...

or are you lying now?

That's the question EE.

Last night, I came home and checked my e-mail. I was getting ready to compose a message to AG (guy with whom I've communicating on one of the on-line sites and who just asked me out ...yay!). I noted that I had a new match on e-Harmony. The new match's name is Steve, and Steve resides in my same city of residence. Interesting. I click on Steve's profile and you can imagine my surprise when I realize that Steve is none other than...that's right, EE.

For those of you who don't know, E-harmony does not give you the ability to search for your matches. Apparently, the folks at E-harmony decided EE and I would make a great couple (based on our compatability profiles) and thus matched us up. The chances of this happening? I have no idea. But, it seems just unbelievable.

Shaking, I started to read his profile. First, I noted that he "wants kids." Hmmm, interesting. Not the tune EE was singing three weeks ago.

I thought about calling him. I actually dialed the number. But, I couldn't do it. Nope. Emily Post, aka "mom", concurs.

Thus, I'll just let this go. Oh, how I would love to be there to see his expression when he opens his inbox and finds my profile waiting for him. He never in a million years thought he'd get "caught." Ooops. Now, the question is, do I "close" the match before he gets a chance to do so, or do I wait to see how he proceeds?

Moving on with haste...

Oh Wonderful Day!

RJ has both an interview AND a date tomorrow. And the date destination is a SURPRISE...a favorite happenstance...

My first

Hello readers. At RD’s not-quite incessant prompting, I have finally entered the world of blogging. To start, I will give you a little introduction to myself – the name says a lot, actually. I am a physician in the military, therefore, by the nature of the job, I am surrounded by men on a daily basis and probably have some extra perspective on dating since I’m constantly listening to these men’s takes on women and relationships. Does this improve my dating success? Not a chance - I have floundered as much as anyone else who is single, yet believe I have some useful insight into both men and dating that has been gained 1) professionally, 2) through social interactions with my coworkers and friends, and 3) from a tiny bit of therapy following my last break-up. My dating background is this - my last significant interlude in the world of dating culminated in, not a break-up on a post-it, but equally as bad in my eyes after a year-long “relationship” - a break-up over email. FB and I had intimately gotten to know each other’s families and even been deployed overseas together for many months. I drift back and forth between the ideas that FB’s decision to break up with me was because of his own issues (he was divorced after an 11 year marriage in the not too distant past – yipes, first HUGE red flag) or because he possessed narcissistic traits not all that different from RD’s Him and was using me as a mere convenience or tool to get over his marriage (on my more cynical days). Likely, I believe, the truth lies somewhere in between. But, this blog is about new adventures in dating, and becoming infected with the optimism that seems to be contagious, so I believe I am a perfect addition to this blog as I slowly and admittedly, cautiously, reenter the dating world. Thanks for having me, Match Strikers!

And then there were four.

After much cajoling, I have finally convinced Dr. Strangelove to take the plunge and join Objection, Romance Junkie and me in the great endeavor we like to call “Playing With Matches.”

Our new writer hails to us from the Tar Heel State, by way of good old Virginia (with a lot of cool and interesting places in between). A friend of mine from college, she holds the title of being the only guest blogger we have had. So far.

And now she will become a regular. With much trepidation and a heck of a lot of spunk, I know she’s going to be a great contribution to all that you see and read here. Together, we’ve fumbled through relationships and “relationships,” always surmising, at the end, that we still haven’t learned a thing.

Here’s to the continuation of such realizations and the perpetuation of such mistakes. Welcome, friend.